Saturday, 6 June 2015

Fish Undergoes Sex Change in Biologically Encoded Process

The world was left reeling last week when the clownfish Marlin, of Finding Nemo fame, revealed that he transitioned to a female following the tragic death of mating partner Coral, as is entirely normal and natural for members of the Amphiprion ocellaris species.

Marlin debuted as Marilyn on the cover of the July edition of Manatee Fair, propelling the concept of transgender fish into the public eye. Expressing a desire to be referred to by female fish pronouns and talking about how she was finally able to “be herself”, she said: “Once Coral died, I needed to spend some time to really find out who I was. Turns out I was the most aggressive male left in my group and needed to become female to establish my dominance over the others to enhance my reproductive success.”

“I suppose I always knew that to be true,” she added.

Marilyn, who now produces eggs instead of sperm clouds, has also hit out at the studio behind the film that shot her into the limelight back in 2003, Finding Nemo, while her possible role in the upcoming Finding Dory sequel hangs in the balance amid accusations of transphobia.

Equality rights campaigner
Chris Brown hailed Marilyn
as "courageous".
“Finding Nemo was supposed to be a documentary about the struggles my family endured following most of my offspring being eaten, including my sex change,” explains Marilyn. “Instead, Pixar glossed over my transition entirely and focussed on the search for my son, which again was presented in a way that the anthronormative audience would be comfortable viewing.”

“I only wanted to find him because he was the last viable mate left in my reproductive social hierarchy.”

Marilyn, who still enjoys curling up on Saturday nights in the comfort of her anemone watching plankton become stung and ensnared by cnidocytes, is also famous for holding the world record for longest distance travelled by a lightweight clownfish, earning her gold in the early 2000s.

However, a controversial petition has started on requesting that her gold be rescinded, stating: “We must ask whether it is proper that Marilyn retains her gold, given that at the time of competing she was a hermaphroditic fish, putting her in an unfair playing ocean with her competitors. #givebackthegoldfish”. The Oceanic Olympic Committee is yet to comment.

In related news, former athlete Bruce Jenner has transitioned to become the woman Caitlyn Jenner for reasons seemingly unrelated to social dominance, reproduction or the ingestion of the Kardashian family by a large barracuda.


Saturday, 8 November 2014

Local Teenager Totally has a Subatomic Girlfriend, Trust Us

Local boy Sam Smith, 17, was heard in the playground loudly claiming that he ‘so does have a girlfriend’ and that she’s ‘well fit and up for it, all the time'. When asked why none of the other students had ever seen her, Mr. Smith was heard to reply ‘…you can’t observe her because she might collapse into a less sexy state.  Did I mention she’s very sexy?  Because she is.’

The revelation that his girlfriend was a quantum object, as opposed to the much more common phenomenon of a girlfriend continuum, prompted additional questions.

Susie, 16, asked Smith ‘can she be described by the Copenhagen Interpretation?’ to which he retorted 'I don’t know anything about God playing dice, but we play dice all the time.  Those sex dice where you decide what sex things to do to each other when you sex.  Sex.'  Unfortunately Smith was unable to provide further details about the sex since at the edge of his girlfriend’s genitals there is an 'event-horizon' which, much to the obvious disappointment of Smith, no information can escape.
Snapchat conversations have
proved difficult.

When prompted for photographic evidence by a BuzzFeed ‘journalist’ hoping to finish their recent ‘article’ about ‘Things only a 17 year old understands’ Mr. Smith was uncharacteristically defensive. He stated that he ‘wished’ he was able to provide a photograph but unfortunately his girlfriends ‘massive titties’ are so large that they actually cause light to bend making conventional photography impossible.

Meeting her in person is also unlikely as she does not live in the same town as Smith. Further, her exact location is very difficult to pin down because it is impossible to know too much about her body and location at the same time, with Smith claiming he already knows ‘a lot about her body, trust me a lot.’

Smith understands that it may be difficult for other people to come to terms with a girlfriend who cannot be described by Newtonian physics and tweeted that ‘It’s like Schrödinger's cat except I’d use another word for cat #loadsofsex #lad #doingIT #tokenFourthHastag #nofilter #Ebola’.


Monday, 22 September 2014

Scots Fail to Become New Species as British Breeding Capability Remains

Disappointment rippled across the world of taxonomy today as it was revealed that the first organism to emerge in thousands of years with the potential to be a new hominid failed to meet the criteria required to be classified as a separate species. The results of the analysis, published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology early on Friday morning, showed that at least 55% of the geographically distinct subspecies Homo sapiens scotia were still capable of mating with the closely related subspecies known as ‘the British’, thus failing to reach the benchmark required to be reclassified.

Allopatric speciation, the process by which geographical isolation can cause a species to diverge down two separate evolutionary paths, is often seen in nature, with clear examples being observed in Darwin’s finches. However, it is a rare process to observe in humans due to extensive interbreeding between populations. Taxonomists have long believed that Scotland may hold the key to proving that the process is possible in humans given the extreme differences observed between its inhabitants and other residents of the British Isles, in particular in culture, morphological appearance and language. Hadrian’s Wall forms a natural barrier preventing interbreeding between populations.

The Scots’ current status as a subspecies is unquestioned, given that they are incapable of producing offspring with certain British subpopulations. Professor Tamara Mayhew of the University of Bristol argues that this observation is primarily due to cultural, not biological, differences. These can include characteristic Scottish mating rituals, such as aggressive displays between males or heroin and alcohol abuse on a Saturday night in Glasgow: “Scots seem to be capable of producing fertile offspring with English who share some of their customs, often collectively known as ‘Northerners’, who in turn can breed with those from southern England. But the idea of Scots breeding with, say, Londoners is simply laughable.”

Prior to the results of the analysis being available, many in the scientific community were predicting that this could cause a knock-on effect encouraging other similar speciation events. Dr. Marc Cable of University College London disagrees, claiming that only Scotland had the opportunity. “The Welsh, for example, rely too much on surrounding populations to break away as their own species. Given their lack of natural resources, they must intermingle with other Brits significantly, allowing access to oil, gas, exotic foodstuffs and vowels.”

Many believe Scottish leaders Salmond
and Sturgeon would have left Scotland
Dr. Cable further states that the possibility of the Scots becoming a species in their own right still exists, but the question of whether they would thrive remains. “Sure they have oil reserves, but they also have a taste for deep-fried goods. Could they use that oil responsibly and sustainably?”

“As for currency, they’ve been reliant on foreign coinage for centuries,” Cable continued. “Speciation would leave them with no established currency, ultimately requiring trade in common local commodities, such as Irn Bru, Susan Boyle’s voice and disappointing job prospects.”

Some in England were looking forward getting away Scot-free due to the increased life expectancy and drop in binge drinking that the departure of Scots would have resulted in, although many are celebrating the continued existence of the unified species. However, anxiety remains over British prospects in next year’s Eurovision Song Contest where an extra 12 points could have made all the difference.