Sunday, 23 February 2014

Russia's Olympic Closing Ceremony Springboards Weather Change Plan

Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by revealing their most recent scientific endeavour.  Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.

While previous weather control attempts have sought to regulate the atmospheric conditions through more conventional means such as cloud seeding, the control of homosexuals leads to indirect weather control by manipulating the power of God, a well-known and vocal homophobe. Extinguishing a particular population for the good of one country has of course been tried before though: Germany is the most recent example, also using an Olympic games to demonstrate their success. Germany had the aim of improving their sense of humour and the results speak for themselves – something Russia is now trying to emulate.

“Russia has nothing but ice,” Russian president Vladimir Putin explained, while standing on the head of a child. “We need good weather to fulfil our goal of being a popular tourist destination, like the south of France, Florida or Brighton. Except not Brighton; too many gays.”
Russia in 50 years. Minus the gays.

“For too long we have had awful weather. I think it started with that t.A.T.u song; if you watch the music video, it’s raining there too,” said the ex-KGB member, who in his spare time enjoys hunting, fishing, ignoring the west and paying off international authorities.

Asked how he expected to regulate the homosexual population, he elaborated: “It is easy. Once you have lured them in, such as with a rainbow, it is like shooting fish in a barrel. Except in Russia there are no fish. And no barrel. Just ice.”

The Sochi 2014 Olympic Organizing Committee has begun investigations into some of the athletes already regarding alleged homosexual activity. “Naturally, all male figure skaters have already been removed from competition,” states Alexander Zhukov, chair of the Committee.

“We’re also looking into Team GB’s Lizzy Yarnold. We expect that she has some skeletons in her closet.”

Currently, only UKIP in the UK have caught on to Russia’s plan with Councillor David Silvester recently blaming the UK’s winter flooding on gays, while Ellen DeGeneres going on holiday to New York is believed to be the cause of the US’s recent polar vortex.

There has been a rapid response from the international community, both in favour and against Russia’s plans.

Silvio Berlusconi has immediately backed Russia, stating he was devastated he had not thought of the plan himself. “First you control the gays, then you control the weather, then you get the women,” said the former Italian Prime Minister, draped in 3 prostitutes and elaborate tax evasion plans.

Scarlett Johansson, fresh from a visit to a SodaStream factory in the West Bank, is hoping to use the new scientific findings to re-establish her role as an Oxfam ambassador.  At present, she is drawing up plans to parachute in a “considerable” amount of homosexuals into sub-Saharan Africa in a bid to end the arid conditions there.

However, some critics have pointed out that decimating the homosexuals will surely exacerbate climate change, to which Russian authorities replied that was “the entire idea”. Objections have arisen from within the country too, where protesters contained within the designated protest zone in Chernobyl have given Putin’s plan “3 thumbs down”.

While Russia appears content to let campaigners protest, Putin himself is well known for his harsh stance on dissent, with numerous conspiracy theories suggesting that he has been involved in the assassination of anyone who speaks out against hi--------

This editor regrets to inform Cause and Effect readers that Ryan, writer of this article, has been found dead in his house, due to suspected polonium-210 poisoning. The above form of this article was found on his laptop. We offer our greatest condolences to anyone who knew him.

His widow Liam survives him.

Friday, 7 February 2014

Science Solved, Academics Struggle to Adjust

Science was finally solved last Wednesday at around 10 am (Central European Time) by Sir Paul Nurse (Nobel Laureate, President of the Royal Society, Heat magazine’s ‘Sexiest Fission Yeast Biologist’).  Sir Paul (Sir, to his friends) was visiting the CERN facility near Geneva where he is reported to have ‘snorted the [still radioactive] ashes of Marie Curie before falling into a beam of protons being accelerated by the Large Hadron Collider’.  He stumbled out saying repeatedly ‘I’ve done it’ and then wrote a single equation onto a chalkboard without mentioning the number ’42’ once.

The finding has been met with mixed reactions from the scientific and non-scientific communities.  Sir Peter Bazalgette, Chair of the Arts Council of England, has welcomed the news saying that with science finished they “might actually get some fucking money”.  Harry Spencer, a psychologist at Harvard University, was equally happy suggesting that the ‘ball was in [psychology’s] court now’, though it is expected that the world will continue to ignore the fields of sociology and political science.
Once commonplace around Fine Arts
colleges, signs such as this are thought
to now be a thing of the past

In contrast, the science community is largely despondent at the news. The now ex-scholars are seeking employment and purpose in the ‘real’ world. 

Susan Page, previously a molecular biologist from the University of Bath, was able to find work at an employment agency.  She was fired after two weeks for repeatedly trying to separate applicants for the various jobs on offer by, according to the official summary of her dismissal, ‘centrifugation… [and], failing that, agarose gel’.  Interviewed soon after, she was heard to exclaim “but this is all I know how to do”.

Neuroscientists have also been reported as struggling with their new roles in society; many have found work in veterinary practices due to their animal handling experience. However, they appear to be encountering problems with their insistence on “investigating the real source of the problem” when confronted with animals behaving unusually.

Henrietta Hodgkin, head of funding for Cancer Research UK, thought her expertise in handling money and spending it on important things would be of use to the UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gideon Osborne.  A letter from the Prime Minister, David Cameron, deflated these hopes informing her that her ‘financial expertise’ would be of ‘no use to this, or any future, Conservative Government’.

Greg Lemaître, a theoretical physicist at Oxford, was able to find work in the theological studies department.  While his logic has been of “little use” to the department, his experience of doing work with almost zero practical application has been “invaluable”. Other theoretical physicists have been hit harder, with some found hanging around the University of Manchester, hoping Brian Cox might recruit them for a documentary. One physicist, identified only as Dr. Destruction, is hoping to make use of CERN to create “one of those black holes everyone was so worried about” and hold the world to ransom.

It is not all bad news for scientists.  PhD students, able to work long hours for little pay, even less appreciation and high levels of verbal abuse, have been able to find work in the sweat shops that are dotted throughout southeast Asia.  Physicists in the USA have found their expertise in handling ‘infinitesimally small amounts of matter’ has made them ideal for dealing with the average nutritional value of meals served by chains in the fast-food sector. Tenured professors, who for years have produced nothing novel, whilst coasting off previous successes, have been hired in their droves to help design the iPhone 6.

The family lives of scientists are also predicted to improve.  Anna Blot, the partner of Susan Page, posted to twitter that her girlfriend’s desire to repeat everything at least three times for “statistical significance” is “very much appreciated”.

Liam and Ryan
Some of our best friends are social scientists

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Chinese Moon Rover Flips Off American Counterpart

On 14th December, 2013 at 13:11, GMT, China’s Chang’e 3 spacecraft shut off its engines and plunged to the surface of the moon.  With this descent China has become the third country to land a craft of the Moon, with the last being the Soviet Union’s Luna 24 in 1976.

The Chang’e 3 is part of a larger programme that will scour the solar system to find an environment that is less suitable for human life than the smog that currently surrounds Beijing, having recently been named as one of the most dangerous places to live in the Solar System. In contrast, the moon is currently estimated to have a rating of ‘half a Beijing’ in terms of damage to human health, while it is believed that the searing sulphurous clouds of Venus would treat a human better than the Chinese treat defiant Tibetan monks.
The smog situation in Shanghai worsens. Here, citizens
are resorting to air bending in an attempt to
clear the pollution

The landing of the lunar craft has also created the first extra-planetary incident between nations.  NASA’s Lunar Atmosphere and Dust Environment Explorer (LADEE) is studying the dust in the atmosphere, the landing of the Chang’e 3 spacecraft has released large amounts of exhaust gas which the LADEE craft will be expected to sort through.  This incident was minor compared to what followed.

Seven hours after landing the moon rover Yutu drove off Chang’e 3’s ramp and started to explore the lunar surface.  The six-wheeled, 140-kilogram rover sent a small radio message to the LADEE spacecraft, subsequently translated by NASA scientists as reading ‘Suck it, USA’ and ‘the next century belongs to [China]’ along with a small jpeg image of the lead engineers of the Beijing Aerospace Control centre grabbing their genitals and miming lewd sexual acts. While the cost of transmitting this message was approximately enough money to give employees manufacturing Apple’s Siri at the FoxCom plant “a decent wage”, there appears to be near universal support for the gesture amongst Chinese citizens and much of the world.

Before NASA were able to respond, the Yutu rover made its way to the site of the famous Apollo moon landing where it removed the American flag planted in the ground.  The flag has been bleached white by space radiation, with Jun Yan, chief scientists of China’s lunar exploration programme, suggesting that the bleaching is a “convenient metaphor” for America’s “surrender to China’s scientific and economic might.” 

NASA finally responded with a message posted on the their website, stating “We are delighted by the actions of the Chinese Cosmonauts”. David Steiz, head of Technology and Commercialisation at NASA, later clarified “it is [NASA’s] hope that this new communist superpower reaching the moon will reinvigorate funding in the space programme”.  Mr Steiz also mentioned that previous attempts to raise funds through “wonder, public pride and the predicted economic benefits of space travel inspiring the next generation of engineers and physicists” have all failed and now they are hoping that this “new red menace” can restart a space age not seen since the glory days of the cold war.

David Cameron, the British Primer minister, has also been prompted to start a British Space Agency after mistaking the bleached white American flag for that of France.

That’s no moon, that’s a well-written article

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

PM Urges Tighter Regulations on Neutrinos

After successfully defending the nation’s children from pornography (and dating, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, file sharing, gambling, games, social networking, suicide, self-harm, weapons, violence, socialism, hats and clouds) whilst not actually needing parents to do anything the British Primer Minister has a new target.  Neutrinos.

London's Liverpool St. station has been simply overrun
with neutrinos
Neutrinos are electrically neutral subatomic particles that are able to pass through normal matter unimpeded, making detection very difficult, resulting in Home Secretary Theresa May expressing her concerns that “we currently don’t know how many [neutrinos] are coming into the country illegally every day.” It has been predicted that about 65 billion solar neutrinos per second pass through every square centimetre of Britain, a figure described by the Daily Express as “Romanian-like”.  The first policy against neutrinos took the form of a large van which, Ms. May reveals, will drive “aimlessly” around North London telling neutrinos that they should "go home". The effect this will have on other well-established sub-atomic communities is still controversial.

Children are to be banned from bringing neutrinos into school as part of their packed lunches. They are to be replaced by state-approved school lunches, which will only provide the correct flavours of neutrinos (tau, muon and strawberry).  Parents across the land were quick to fill online comment boxes with measured debate about the relative benefits of school lunches vs. lunch boxes, all accompanied by large sample sizes and statistical tests.

Physics students are also to be effected by the changes.  All courses on theoretical physics will require students to "opt-in" online.  The Daily Mail is reporting that physicists are engaged in watching "steamy particle on particle action" with a "negligible regard for the nation's morals".  The Mail promises to keep up its fight to "protect decency" by filling the side bar of its website with a "plethora of scantily clad women".

Opponents think that parents should simply talk to their children about sub-atomic particles instead.  However Michael Gove, education secretary, has reported that the number of parents with PhDs in theoretical physics has fallen below 12% and so today's parents just cannot cope with the post-neutrino world.

Labour leader Ed Miliband (Formally ED and the Miller Band) has described the plans as a "reactionary swing to the right" in the wake of UKIP's success in the Eastleigh by-election.  Nigel Farage, UKIP leader, has applauded the plans: "for too long the Italian Neutrino has been the prime example of continental meddling in Britain", while Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, wants "...only British particles in schools and work places" such as the Higgs boson.

In a surprising turn of actually saying something clever, Ed Miliband has noted that both Tory policies and neutrinos have much in common "[with both being] largely theoretical concepts which just pass through you".

By Liam and Ryan
A coalition for science

Monday, 22 July 2013

Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term

Today [22nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike.  The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”.  The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.

The exact mechanics which lead to the birth are sketchy at best and pure speculation at worse.  A longtitudinal study, from Imperial College London, of over nine months has been following the Duchess and has just released some initial findings.  A report on the university's website reveals that “The Duchess received increased media attention after her common vagina (Vagina vulgaris) interlocked with the royal cock (Prince william)”.  The study reports some movement between the two followed by the “transfer of an unknown white fluid and [on the Duchess’ face] a look of disappointment." 

Initial sketches of the juvenile show striking
resemblances to the adult form.
Dr. Nigel Bayes, one of the lead researchers, has offered some insight into the probability behind the sex of the child; Bayes' Theorem (as it is now known) postulates that the chance of the sex being male is “50%” as the result of the inheritance of “some discrete unit”. At present no such unit is known.  Statistics carried out during the study has also revealed a “strong negative correlation” is seen between Royal menstruation and being with child, the cause of which is also unknown.

Now that the birth has occurred, the scientific eye will turn to the child, with biologists (occupying the newly created field of Developmental Biology) suggesting that the child is likely to inherit characteristics from both parents.  Christine Volhard, a geneticist at the Max-Planck Institute, was able to briefly study the infant and released a statement saying that the “[the Royal Baby’s] inheritance seems to agree with Gregor Mendel’s  preliminary investigations [with pea plants],” while stressing the groundbreaking observation that “the rules of inheritance seem to apply to both plants and humans.” However, science demands that as many variables as possible be taken into account when drawing conclusions. Thus we eagerly await Prince William fathering many more children with multiple women which might act as controls; henceforth known as a method of “birth control”. He appears to be following in his ancestors’ footsteps – for example Henry I appeared to be well versed in this particular aspect of scientific philosophy (n = 29).

Volhard is optimistic for the child's future, adding “One can only hope he inherits his aunt’s arse.”

The public have also displayed a thirst for knowledge.  Hundreds of members of the public have, bravely, disregarded the privacy of both the Duchess and other patients at the hospital to glean what information they can. People at the scene have reported “intense screams of pain” confirming that Royals have nociceptors (whether Royals can empathise with the public is still unconfirmed) and the “small clang” of a “silver spoon dropping from a vagina.”

To satisfy the public's desire for this ground breaking event the BBC has sent their entire team, not just the news division, to the hospital with reporter Chris May seen leaving the site of a burning Mosque in Tipton whilst shouting out “babies!” and Richard Hammond, of Top Gear fame, promising to get there “as fast as he can”.

Does what ever common people do.