Wednesday 15 June 2011

Logger Once Again Kills a Species that Could Have Saved Lives

It’s been reported that a selfish Brazilian logger recently destroyed a rare species of plant, found only in the Amazon rainforest, which could have cured generations to come from a fatal illness, had its medicinal properties been fully realised.

Estefan Ferreyra, a worker from Manaus, plying his trade in the Amazon rainforest, callously disregarded the future potential to the human race of any number of plants, animals and fungi last week by doing the job that he is paid to do – that is mercilessly chopping down trees so that his country may export them. The foolish logger seemed to have little idea as to the consequences of his actions.

Yet another animal thrown in the way
of cruel Ferreyra
“[The manager] SeƱor Gonzales told me to cover a particular area. I did this. I see no problem,” The bumbling buffoon stated, clearly unaware that he may have ploughed straight through the habitat of Epipedobates flavopictus, a rare Poison Dart frog.

“Please, I have a family to feed,” he continued, oblivious to the biodiversity of the planet he may be reducing.

The Amazon Rainforest, situated primarily in Brazil, is thought to be home to largest number of different species on Earth. Not only this, but it also acts as a carbon reservoir – taking in a large amount of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and thereby delaying the effects of global warming. Ferreyra appeared to believe this was unimportant.

“Why are you questioning me?” The logger queried, clearly nervous about what other atrocities could be uncovered that he may have committed. “I don’t speak English.”

The man in charge of the operation, Alfredo Gonzales, was much more co-operative. “I can only apologise if our activities have caused harm or distress to others,” he said, smoking an ivory pipe while sitting on a leopard skin seat.

Tribes in the local area are thought to be angered by the destruction of their home as well, and believe that the spirit of Mother Nature will bring a swift punishment on those who would damage her planet, though they could not be reached for a comment.

Between 1970 and 2010, an area larger than the size of Texas was believed to have been lost by deforestation. Opponents suggest losing Texas instead.

Ryan

Thursday 9 June 2011

Scientists Discover Meaning of Life, Disappointed by Results

What the meaning of life could be is a question that has plagued scientists, theologists and philosophers alike for centuries. A group of researchers, led by Dr. Kyle Watson, at the University of Oxford may have won the race for an answer with a recent study conducted at the university.

“Yeah, look… Um, I don’t really know how to say this…” Watson started, the audience at the press release gripped with anticipation at what he could have discovered. “It’s not good news. Seriously. We’re considering not publishing it. One moment we thought there could be a higher purpose for everyone and everything on the planet, then when that seemed to fall down, at least we could fall back on the natural beauty that has arisen out of the chaos of the universe.”

Your Life
“Well, that turned out not to be true either. Beauty is a mere figment of your imagination. It appears as though somewhere between the beginning of time and the onset of sentience, the universe was grasped by darkness and… Look, the results were bad, ok?”

The crowd then urged him for further details of the study, though he refused to state the findings explicitly. “Needless to say, the world is a hell-hole of pain, cruelty and deprivation, with plenty of death and despair thrown in for good measure.”

“And that’s just Liverpool,” he added.

Asked by a rapidly deteriorating audience if they could have made a mistake, Watson continued: “We’re 99% sure that the best time of your life was before you existed. Sorry. You entered life in a fit of misery, gasping for air, and you’ll leave it in the same way. The filler in the middle is simply crawling across a warzone, trying to find your grave.”

When asked about any follow-up research, he simply stated: “What’s the point? I barely think I’ll last the rest of the week, knowing what I know. I’ll be honest – the only thing keeping me calm at the moment is horse-sized doses of laudanum and lithium cocktails.”

On a related note, the moods of Goths, emos and angsty teenagers around the country appears to have improved, though this is unconfirmed.

Ryan