Professor John Delingpole of the
University of East Anglia, the Univeristy at the centre of the infamous
Climategate, has finally admitted that man-made climate change is one massive hoax
orchestrated by the entire global scientific community and that “rising sea
levels, global temperature rising, warming oceans, shrinking ice sheets,
declining Arctic sea ice, the retreat of glaciers, increase in the number of
record temperatures and ocean acidification” which were all previous explained
logically as a consequence of human activity increasing CO2 production are in
fact “probably something else”.
Delginpole admits that although Mr
John Havisham of Blackpool has no formal training in environmental or climate
science, his theory that the weather “doesn’t seem that different to me” is
completely accurate. He also confesses that Havisham’s sample size, “everyone
[he] knows”, is perfectly adequate to describe phenomena with planetary
consequences.
NASA is already shutting down its
Climate Change research division, explaining that the “1000s of man and woman
hours, and millions of dollars” spent designing computer models which
accurately represent past, present and future weather patterns were “complete
bollocks”.
In a press announcement, Delingpole
has explained that he finally broke the silence concerning the climate
conspiracy after “tiring” of being a “puppet to the industrial giants of
climate neutralisation”. He has also spoken of regret of his actions, repenting
how they “unfairly” tarnished the reputation of the philanthropic oil industry.
He also admitted that one of the major
factors was the perfectly written piece by Clarkson J et al appearing in respected
journal “The Sun”, which correctly asserted that “…as a society, we can
continue to keep producing CO2 at high levels with no negative effects...BMW...Porsche...Power”.
Commentators on the Daily Mail forums
have been showing unprecedented levels of smugness after Delingpole’s
revelation, as it strengthens their world view that climate change was merely a
plot by “liberal/progressive/socialists revolutionaries keen to meddle with
British traditions”, as articulated by the user LastBrition9 on the Daily Mail
website.
Al Gore, Mr Inconvenient himself, has
posted on his own website the following statement, “The conclusions of
thousands of peer reviewed articles and hundreds of academic societies,
including the American Association of Petroleum Geologists,
which all agree that (at the very least) mankind should be reducing its usage
of fossil fuels and production of CO2 are complete rubbish”. It concludes that
“the Earth does have infinite resources and we should act accordingly, and even
if climate change were true (which it is categorically not) that would be no
reason to develop alternate forms of energy, which would be financially
wasteful and reckless.”
The American Army are particular
excited by the news since it means that “wars for oil” can continue for all
eternity.
Liam
Full of Hot Air
