Scots Fail to Become New Species as British Breeding Capability Remains

Disappointment rippled across the world of taxonomy today as it was revealed that the first organism to emerge in thousands of years with the potential to be a new hominid failed to meet the criteria required to be classified as a separate species. The results of the analysis, published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology early on Friday morning, showed that at least 55% of the geographically distinct subspecies Homo sapiens scotia were still capable of mating with the closely related subspecies known as ‘the British’, thus failing to reach the benchmark required to be reclassified.

Allopatric speciation, the process by which geographical isolation can cause a species to diverge down two separate evolutionary paths, is often seen in nature, with clear examples being observed in Darwin’s finches. However, it is a rare process to observe in humans due to extensive interbreeding between populations. Taxonomists have long believed that Scotland may hold the key to proving that the process is possible in humans given the extreme differences observed between its inhabitants and other residents of the British Isles, in particular in culture, morphological appearance and language. Hadrian’s Wall forms a natural barrier preventing interbreeding between populations.

The Scots’ current status as a subspecies is unquestioned, given that they are incapable of producing offspring with certain British subpopulations. Professor Tamara Mayhew of the University of Bristol argues that this observation is primarily due to cultural, not biological, differences. These can include characteristic Scottish mating rituals, such as aggressive displays between males or heroin and alcohol abuse on a Saturday night in Glasgow: “Scots seem to be capable of producing fertile offspring with English who share some of their customs, often collectively known as ‘Northerners’, who in turn can breed with those from southern England. But the idea of Scots breeding with, say, Londoners is simply laughable.”

Prior to the results of the analysis being available, many in the scientific community were predicting that this could cause a knock-on effect encouraging other similar speciation events. Dr. Marc Cable of University College London disagrees, claiming that only Scotland had the opportunity. “The Welsh, for example, rely too much on surrounding populations to break away as their own species. Given their lack of natural resources, they must intermingle with other Brits significantly, allowing access to oil, gas, exotic foodstuffs and vowels.”

Many believe Scottish leaders Salmond
and Sturgeon would have left Scotland
floundering.

Dr. Cable further states that the possibility of the Scots becoming a species in their own right still exists, but the question of whether they would thrive remains. “Sure they have oil reserves, but they also have a taste for deep-fried goods. Could they use that oil responsibly and sustainably?”

“As for currency, they’ve been reliant on foreign coinage for centuries,” Cable continued. “Speciation would leave them with no established currency, ultimately requiring trade in common local commodities, such as Irn Bru, Susan Boyle’s voice and disappointing job prospects.”

Some in England were looking forward getting away Scot-free due to the increased life expectancy and drop in binge drinking that the departure of Scots would have resulted in, although many are celebrating the continued existence of the unified species. However, anxiety remains over British prospects in next year’s Eurovision Song Contest where an extra 12 points could have made all the difference.

Ryan

Autism Injection Challenge has Unexpected Side Effect

The latest viral craze to sweep across social media is the so-called ‘Autism Inject Challenge’.  The challenge involves the participants injecting themselves with the MMR vaccination and donating to an Autism charity of their choice before challenging three others.  The MMR vaccination, as documented by journalists, will eventually give the participants autism, so the challenge hopes to raise awareness as well as funds.

Numerous celebrities have taken the challenge, with the public showing surprise that some have even reportedly mentioned the worthy cause behind it.  However, the challenge has drawn criticism from those who believe charity to be a strictly zero sum game with one Facebook commenter suggesting ‘if they really cared about diseases they’d inject themselves with Ebola’.

Despite the criticism of this so-called “hashtag activism”, the challenge appears to have had an additional positive side effect.  New research published by the Edward Jenner Institute in Oxford has revealed the MMR injection may offer protection against disease.

Dr. Mary Blossom, the lead author on the paper published in the Lancet, reports that children given the injection are ‘resistant to measles, mumps and rubella’ in later life.  In a video published on the Institute website, Dr Blossom, given the injection herself as a child despite the lack of social media available at the time, is seen licking a measles-ridden teenager.

One Direction singer Zayn Malik is just one
celebrity performing the similar Cigarette
Smoking Challenge for lung cancer awareness
#CRUK

Andrew Wakefield, pioneering Autism researcher, former practising doctor and one time contributor to the Lancet, was dismissive when informed of the news. “Vaccines are only beneficial when they’re not used in combination with each other,” Wakefield claimed when reached for a comment. “A recent lucrative study of mine, involving investigation into the effects of vaccination on four squirrels and a marmoset clearly show this.”

“The paper should be appearing in the Lancet next year,” he added.

Some members of the anti-vaccination movement have been questioning their position in light of the new study. James Phipps, previously a vocal anti-MMR campaigner, was asked if he would now gives his children the injection given its protection against diseases.  In a statement published on his Facebook page, Mr Phipps said: “Jesus Christ Yes!  Have you seen measles?! That stuff kills people.”

Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion and universally well-liked guy, surprisingly still in control of his Twitter account, was able to tweet: “As someone who speaks for all atheists we should restrict this vaccine to children without Down’s syndrome; let’s not be immoral”.  An apology tweet was posted 12 seconds later.

The news that the MMR vaccine provides protection is surely great news in regards to the recent increase in measles cases.  USA Measles cases dropped rapidly in 1964, coinciding with the licencing of the MMR vaccine, although there has been an increase in cases worldwide in recent years.  Despite being untested, the MMR vaccine may be able to reverse this trend.  The reason for the increase in cases is currently unknown.

Liam

Is fully protected… ladies.