Local boy Sam Smith, 17, was heard in the playground loudly claiming that he ‘so does have a girlfriend’ and that she’s ‘well fit and up for it, all the time'. When asked why none of the other students had ever seen her, Mr. Smith was heard to reply ‘…you can’t observe her because she might collapse into a less sexy state. Did I mention she’s very sexy? Because she is.’
The
revelation that his girlfriend was a quantum object, as opposed to the much
more common phenomenon of a girlfriend continuum, prompted additional questions.
Susie,
16, asked Smith ‘can she be described by the Copenhagen Interpretation?’ to
which he retorted 'I don’t know anything about God playing dice, but we play
dice all the time. Those sex dice where
you decide what sex things to do to each other when you sex. Sex.' Unfortunately Smith was unable to provide further details about the sex
since at the edge of his girlfriend’s genitals there is an 'event-horizon'
which, much to the obvious disappointment of Smith, no information can escape.
 |
| Snapchat conversations have proved difficult. |
When
prompted for photographic evidence by a BuzzFeed ‘journalist’ hoping to finish
their recent ‘article’ about ‘Things only a 17 year old understands’ Mr. Smith
was uncharacteristically defensive. He stated that he ‘wished’ he was able to
provide a photograph but unfortunately his girlfriends ‘massive titties’ are so
large that they actually cause light to bend making conventional photography
impossible.
Meeting
her in person is also unlikely as she does not live in the same town as Smith.
Further, her exact location is very difficult to pin down because it is
impossible to know too much about her body and location at the same time, with
Smith claiming he already knows ‘a lot about her body, trust me a lot.’
Smith
understands that it may be difficult for other people to come to terms with a
girlfriend who cannot be described by Newtonian physics and tweeted that ‘It’s
like Schrödinger's cat except I’d use another word for cat #loadsofsex #lad
#doingIT #tokenFourthHastag #nofilter #Ebola’.
Liam
