Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part II

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect reader. Following the recent success of our broadcasting schedule for the new medium of Television, Cause and Effect Television Innovation (CETI) has returned for more high quality viewing. See below for the full list of programmes.

0700-0900

The Animaliacs Ensemble cast of organisms from the animal kingdom in a variety of zany roles. Narrated by Sir David Atom-borough.

0900-1100

SmallVilli Sci-fi sitcom in which an intestinal cell discovers it has superpowers.

1100-1300

Sinefeld The show famously about nothing returns! Sine180 stars as himself, a trigonometric function, discussing various quirky situations that we can all relate to, (especially those of us who frequently act as ratios of two sides of a triangle containing the angle!). Frequently going off on tangents, his eccentric circle of friends contribute to the fun.

1300-1500

Seal or No Seal The seals love it, you will too! Contestants are invited to choose cages containing a number of seals to save or sell. Will you be able to cut a deal with the authorities, or will you end up with a conservational nightmare on your hands?

1500-1600

My Big fat Gypsy Moth Wedding A wedding you can smell from 7 miles away.

1600-1800

Game of Stones Abrasive and erosive intrigue are pervasive. In this song of fire and ice, the three dominant geological groups (Sedimentary, Metamorphic and Igneous) fight to withstand the freeze-thaw weathering that is coming. When you play the Game of Stones, you are neither living or dying.

1800-1900

A Question of Spores Fungal-based quiz show where our team captains pit their myceliums against each other in a clash of the chitin. Who will come out as top toadstool this week?

1900-2000

The XXY Factor This week our Klinefelter hopefuls attempt to impress the judges by demonstrating the extent of their hypogonadism. Not one to miss.

2000-2100

Have I Got Cues For You Our panel of stars classically condition a member of the public to be terrified of everyday objects, with hilarious results!

2100-2300

Sherlock and Key New detective series. A reclusive enzyme tries to unravel the mystery of seemingly disconnected denaturing events happening throughout the body.

2300-0300

RedHot Live feed of the sun. Warning: As with other RedHot shows, may cause blindness after extended periods of watching.

Scientists Suggest Superluminal Santa

Scientist at the OPERA (Oslo Polar Electromagnetic Resonance Analyser) in Norway have detected the common reindeer, Rangifer tarandus, travelling faster than the speed of light.  A fundamental law of physics, proposed by Albert Einstein, is that nothing is able to travel faster than 299,792,458 meters per second.

The OPERA is part of a lesser known collaboration between Scandinavian scientific research institutes known as CERN (Centre for the Experimentation of the Real and Not-real).  OPERA falls safely into the “N” category.  OPERA lies 1,400 metres beneath the University of Oslo’s department of Theoretical Astrophysics.  This latest experiment was a combined effort between the University’s Astrophysics department, who designed the 1800 tonne detector (an array of electronics and carrots that reindeer are found of), maintain the 73km track which the reindeer travel along and analyse the complex results once the Reindeer reach the detector, and the University’s Animal Management department who supplied the carrots.

The reindeer were released from the starting point with cries of “Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!” and then proceeded to travel the 73km to the detector attracted by the smell of carrots. The reindeer were recorded arriving 60ns faster than a photon travelling the same distance.  Professor Clement Moore, the head of the research team which announced the finding, has said the discovery is “shocking”.

It is currently unclear how red light would
guide Santa, as it would be trailing in his wake.

If the findings are true then the ramifications are massive for not only physics, with the dismissal of their oh-so-precious special relativity, but also for the (arguably more important) question of Santa’s existence.  Asantists often suggest that it is physically impossible for Santa to travel quick enough to deliver the billions of presents in a single night.  They are also quick to claim that the burden of proof lies with the followers of Father Christmas, so have not bothered to prove that Santa cannot perform these miracles.

Professor Moore was quick to point out that if the results are true then they provide a theoretical basis for Santa’s quick movement.  Quantum theory shows that reindeer are linked to other particles, Santa’s Sleigh, by the Whimsical Noël Force (WNF) and thus, if reindeer are able to move faster than the speed of light, so is Santa’s Sleigh. 

Modern day Scrooge Neil deGrasse Tyson has proposed that if a Sleigh were to move at such a speed it should emit a cone of radiation, which has yet to be observed.  Moore was quick to provide an answer “...my colleagues and I suggest that the presents dispensed are equivalent to the radiation suggested [by Tyson], assuming of course E still equals MC²... we are looking to disprove the rest of Einstein’s theories by next week.”

Tyson, who one can imagine will be receiving coal this Christmas as punishment for his disbelief, fired off another criticism stating that if presents were given out the overall mass of the Sleigh would decrease breaking the “conservation of mass” law.  Professor Moore, like any good scientist, was quick to get the facts to fit his theory as opposed to the old fashioned (some would say repressive) method of getting theory to fit facts.  Moore has suggested that the mince pies consumed by Santa keep the overall mass constant.

Moore, ever humble, admits that his team are “not entirely sure” of the results but express a certain level of confidence since they have repeated the experiment “at least twelve times”.  There are plans to repeat the experiment sending the reindeer as a pulse (e.g. Donder and Blitzen) instead of a continuous group allowing for more accurate measurements.

Professor Moore released one final statement, “Whether we prove Santa’s existence today or tomorrow it does not matter, for we are certain that Santa exists: in the smile of every child, the first snowflake of winter and in the heart of every good person.”

Liam

Is getting so much compressed organic material this year.

Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part I

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect readers. This week, something a little bit different. In recent times, our writers have noticed that a new medium of entertainment, known at this time only as “television”, has swept through the nation, providing people with information about current affairs, entertainment news and Brian Cox's continued plans of universal domination, as well as hard hitting dramas and comical cartoons to name but a few.

Not one to lag behind current trends then, the following is a list of shows that have been put forward for a new channel. This will be an expansion of CERN, our Cause and Effect Radio Network, and will be known as the Cause and Effect Television Innovation, CETI. Let us know what you think.

0700-0800	Pokemon: Gotta Cache ‘em All An in depth look at the unique caching behaviour of Murkrow, who stores Seedot in the ground and in trees for harvest during the winter, when arthropod prey, such as Caterpie, may be scarce.
0800-1000	One crazy family Everybody Loves Pseudomonas It never stops for successful proteobacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa, whose oddball family life as a nosocomial infection consists of a fed up MRSA bacterium, several thousand clones doubling every few hours, and a jealous Clostridium difficile on a neighbouring catheter.
1000-1100	Who Do You Think You Are Well known faces within the Prokaryotic kingdom each embark on individual journeys to answer some questions in regards to their own evolution.
1200-1500	WWF: Roar 4 endangered species, one ring. Natural selection at its finest.
1500-1700	Dragons Den Survival Series: Budding entrepreneurs have 3 minutes to impress the Komodo Dragons before getting slowly devoured.
1700-1900	Jersey Longshore Drift A journey to the crown dependency of Jersey, in which our team look at erosion and The Situation facing the island's beaches.
1900-2100	Kittens got Talent This week the auditions take place in Cramar Cat Rescue & Sanctuary where 200 hopefuls try to impress future owners by drinking milk, playing with balls of string and looking adorable.
2100-2300	Live at the Apollo 13 Comedy – Listening to the recovered Black Box from the ill-fated mission. Adult humour.

Check back soon for more CETI shows.