Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part II

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect reader. Following the recent success of our broadcasting schedule for the new medium of Television, Cause and Effect Television Innovation (CETI) has returned for more high quality viewing. See below for the full list of programmes.

0700-0900

The Animaliacs Ensemble cast of organisms from the animal kingdom in a variety of zany roles. Narrated by Sir David Atom-borough.

0900-1100

SmallVilli Sci-fi sitcom in which an intestinal cell discovers it has superpowers.

1100-1300

Sinefeld The show famously about nothing returns! Sine180 stars as himself, a trigonometric function, discussing various quirky situations that we can all relate to, (especially those of us who frequently act as ratios of two sides of a triangle containing the angle!). Frequently going off on tangents, his eccentric circle of friends contribute to the fun.

1300-1500

Seal or No Seal The seals love it, you will too! Contestants are invited to choose cages containing a number of seals to save or sell. Will you be able to cut a deal with the authorities, or will you end up with a conservational nightmare on your hands?

1500-1600

My Big fat Gypsy Moth Wedding A wedding you can smell from 7 miles away.

1600-1800

Game of Stones Abrasive and erosive intrigue are pervasive. In this song of fire and ice, the three dominant geological groups (Sedimentary, Metamorphic and Igneous) fight to withstand the freeze-thaw weathering that is coming. When you play the Game of Stones, you are neither living or dying.

1800-1900

A Question of Spores Fungal-based quiz show where our team captains pit their myceliums against each other in a clash of the chitin. Who will come out as top toadstool this week?

1900-2000

The XXY Factor This week our Klinefelter hopefuls attempt to impress the judges by demonstrating the extent of their hypogonadism. Not one to miss.

2000-2100

Have I Got Cues For You Our panel of stars classically condition a member of the public to be terrified of everyday objects, with hilarious results!

2100-2300

Sherlock and Key New detective series. A reclusive enzyme tries to unravel the mystery of seemingly disconnected denaturing events happening throughout the body.

2300-0300

RedHot Live feed of the sun. Warning: As with other RedHot shows, may cause blindness after extended periods of watching.

Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part I

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect readers. This week, something a little bit different. In recent times, our writers have noticed that a new medium of entertainment, known at this time only as “television”, has swept through the nation, providing people with information about current affairs, entertainment news and Brian Cox's continued plans of universal domination, as well as hard hitting dramas and comical cartoons to name but a few.

Not one to lag behind current trends then, the following is a list of shows that have been put forward for a new channel. This will be an expansion of CERN, our Cause and Effect Radio Network, and will be known as the Cause and Effect Television Innovation, CETI. Let us know what you think.

0700-0800	Pokemon: Gotta Cache ‘em All An in depth look at the unique caching behaviour of Murkrow, who stores Seedot in the ground and in trees for harvest during the winter, when arthropod prey, such as Caterpie, may be scarce.
0800-1000	One crazy family Everybody Loves Pseudomonas It never stops for successful proteobacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa, whose oddball family life as a nosocomial infection consists of a fed up MRSA bacterium, several thousand clones doubling every few hours, and a jealous Clostridium difficile on a neighbouring catheter.
1000-1100	Who Do You Think You Are Well known faces within the Prokaryotic kingdom each embark on individual journeys to answer some questions in regards to their own evolution.
1200-1500	WWF: Roar 4 endangered species, one ring. Natural selection at its finest.
1500-1700	Dragons Den Survival Series: Budding entrepreneurs have 3 minutes to impress the Komodo Dragons before getting slowly devoured.
1700-1900	Jersey Longshore Drift A journey to the crown dependency of Jersey, in which our team look at erosion and The Situation facing the island's beaches.
1900-2100	Kittens got Talent This week the auditions take place in Cramar Cat Rescue & Sanctuary where 200 hopefuls try to impress future owners by drinking milk, playing with balls of string and looking adorable.
2100-2300	Live at the Apollo 13 Comedy – Listening to the recovered Black Box from the ill-fated mission. Adult humour.

Check back soon for more CETI shows.

Possible Alien Message Prompts Division among Earthlings.

First contact.  Yesterday at 3.00AM, the Arecibo Observatory (run by the SETI organisation) in Puerto Rico received the first ever conscious electromagnetic transmission from a non-human source.

Ron Neary was in charge of the satellite at the time.  “I [was] sat at the computer watching it scan the same incredibly narrow stretch of the electromagnetic spectrum (SETI radio antenna receive signals in the microwaves range of the electromagnetic spectrum) and suddenly it came through.”  Ron has published a picture online of the signal he saw, a white piece of paper with the characters “6EQUJ5” circled and the annotation “My God! It’s full of signals.”

Ron continued “I was just so pleased that I would be the one to break the news to humanity – all those years, man hours and money and we got this!” At this point, Ron showed the piece of paper again, waving it frantically. “See, see, don’t you see it was worth it?”

The reaction from humanity has been less than enthusiastic.  The SETI organisation has encountered resistance, such as in the form of Kristopher Coulomb, a Russian Computer Scientist. He believes that this is something we should fear, and not just because it removes the notion that humanity is special. He also warns that making further contact with a “technologically superior race” would be similar to “the effect Europeans had on the Native American population.”

The “Blue and Noble Planet” (BaNP) is a worldwide organisation with worries about Alien visitors.  Nicole Frinfig, a spokesperson, is worried that visitors to our “already full planet” will be detrimental to those “already here, and can trace their humanity back hundreds of generations.”  They have released a leaflet titled “Earth jobs for Earthlings”.  Black, White, The Other Colours, Rich, Poor, Stupid and Ignorant all united by a common hatred.

The third kind of resistance encountered is composed of elderly scientists who have formed the Bohr Society (named for the famous physicist).  Head of the Society, Eugene Murray, sent a letter to science journal Nature. It starts "When I were a lad we had only Carbon based life forms to study using nout but a magnifying glass, not these newfangled fancy aliens.”  He goes on to say "The year was 1947; I was posted to New Mexico...those were the days of aliens. You could buy a newspaper and visit the crash and still get change from a nickel... and we were happy.”

Not all of the responses have been negative; some have proclaimed that these beings from the heavens may indeed save us from ourselves if we do truly ruin this planet.  However, SETI have released a statement: “Although it may be a long time before we encounter aliens it is clear to see that we [SETI] have proved our usefulness”.

Liam
Welcomes our new alien overlords.