Water Never Forgets… To Kill!

In a case of "text book homoeopathy" Sam Hahn, of the British Homoeopathy Association, has discovered a novel way in which the Influenza virus can be transmitted.  Explaining the recent fatal flu epidemic in Northern Germany.

Scientists could find absolutely nothing in
these samples, giving them reason to be worried.

Homoeopaths, as early as 1796, showed that water retains an essential property of a substance when said substance is diluted to the level of (or below) one atom per universe.  This dilute solution is then shaken releasing a healing force which improves the body’s Vital Spirit. 

Hahn has realised that the Virus could have easily undergone the “dilution and shaking required to reach 0 parts per trillion, turning water into a killing machine” once entering the water supply.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) have recruited other scientists to help with the current infection. Prof. W.E Bulter has reported that those suffering from flu experience a change in Aura.  He is to set up an onsite laboratory for “Systematic Correlation Aura Measurement” which for a small fee identifies infected Auras.  The procedure has to be conducted “one person at a time, in an isolated room and [Butler] cannot tell you how [he] does it you just have to trust [him]”.

The WHO has also warned that individuals with “significantly short life lines on their palms” should avoid travelling to Germany.  The WHO also advises the public to read their own palms but stress “no medical action should be taken before consulting a professional [palm reader]”and warn against panic buying of Quartz crystals and that sufferers should stick to “scientifically proven medical treatment”.

Astrologers are promising that those born under Taurus “will experience an innate immunity to dilute Influenza Virus.  Also Venus’ position in the sky will make successful relationship endeavours more likely”.

Several celebrities has given interviews in which they reveal they were not taking LSD but that a tiny amount must have entered the water supply and been diluted.  A smaller number have reported being able to see Auras and are to be flown into the danger areas as make-shift prognosis providers.

Environmentalists were quick to exploit the recent victory for homeopathic science by pointing out that the large amounts of chemicals, carcinogens and waste pumped into the oceans could start to negatively affect humans in a similar way.  Hahn has pointed out that such sensationalism is unfounded and that “the concentrations in the ocean are much too high to effect humans in such a way, and the damage is restricted to fish and other aquatic animals.”

Conservationists have taken a leaf out of the homeopathic textbook, assuming that the principle of extreme dilution applies to ocean-dwelling animals. They suggest that the most powerful and viable species are now those closest to extinction. New conservation plans include the reintroduction of whaling and copious numbers of oil spillages.

Hahn is hopeful that his proof of homeopathic infection will result in increased homeopathic teaching in schools.  He concldues “for too long children’s minds have been filled with ‘alternative’ science drivel like Hisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and Cell Theory”.

Liam

Born Under A Wanderin’ Star

Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part II

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect reader. Following the recent success of our broadcasting schedule for the new medium of Television, Cause and Effect Television Innovation (CETI) has returned for more high quality viewing. See below for the full list of programmes.

0700-0900

The Animaliacs Ensemble cast of organisms from the animal kingdom in a variety of zany roles. Narrated by Sir David Atom-borough.

0900-1100

SmallVilli Sci-fi sitcom in which an intestinal cell discovers it has superpowers.

1100-1300

Sinefeld The show famously about nothing returns! Sine180 stars as himself, a trigonometric function, discussing various quirky situations that we can all relate to, (especially those of us who frequently act as ratios of two sides of a triangle containing the angle!). Frequently going off on tangents, his eccentric circle of friends contribute to the fun.

1300-1500

Seal or No Seal The seals love it, you will too! Contestants are invited to choose cages containing a number of seals to save or sell. Will you be able to cut a deal with the authorities, or will you end up with a conservational nightmare on your hands?

1500-1600

My Big fat Gypsy Moth Wedding A wedding you can smell from 7 miles away.

1600-1800

Game of Stones Abrasive and erosive intrigue are pervasive. In this song of fire and ice, the three dominant geological groups (Sedimentary, Metamorphic and Igneous) fight to withstand the freeze-thaw weathering that is coming. When you play the Game of Stones, you are neither living or dying.

1800-1900

A Question of Spores Fungal-based quiz show where our team captains pit their myceliums against each other in a clash of the chitin. Who will come out as top toadstool this week?

1900-2000

The XXY Factor This week our Klinefelter hopefuls attempt to impress the judges by demonstrating the extent of their hypogonadism. Not one to miss.

2000-2100

Have I Got Cues For You Our panel of stars classically condition a member of the public to be terrified of everyday objects, with hilarious results!

2100-2300

Sherlock and Key New detective series. A reclusive enzyme tries to unravel the mystery of seemingly disconnected denaturing events happening throughout the body.

2300-0300

RedHot Live feed of the sun. Warning: As with other RedHot shows, may cause blindness after extended periods of watching.

Wikipedia Blackout, Senators Now Unsure What They’re Voting On

Congressmen across the US admit they’re not entirely sure which way to vote, after the online encyclopaedia website Wikipedia, amongst others, decided to go on a 24 hour blackout today in protest of the upcoming SOPA and PIPA bills. The website, usually a beaming beacon of intellect and reliable sources ^[1], is often where politicians look for answers to topics they are unfamiliar with, such as science, history and politics.

The bills, Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA), have come under fire by many groups opposed to censorship, as if they are passed it is believed that freedom of speech on the internet will be affected. It’s thought that the bills were first proposed by several high profile celebrities, including Rick Santorum^[2] and Kenan and Kel^{[citation needed]}.

Sweet, sweet irony.

One senator, John Cornyn (R – TX), admitted that without the Wikipedia site, he was at a loss for where to turn to for fast information, until he realised that the mobile app was still functional. “Oh thank God. I suddenly had the urge to find out who that guy was in the new Virgin advert – Wikipedia tells me it’s someone called Richard Branson. Oh, right, SOPA.”

Outside of congress, and indeed the US, regular internet users are reacting differently to the blackout of many of their favourite websites. Employers in the financial sector in London are reporting a huge productivity increase since sites like Reddit, as well as popular webcomics like Cyanide + Happiness and XKCD, have gone down, although morale is believed to be down 58% ^[3].

Meanwhile, among students, productivity appears to be stable due to the complaints on social networking site Facebook about not being able to complete their dissertations, although the amount of false information in essays is reportedly falling. Journal Nature has announced similar observations in papers submitted by university researchers. Other users are apparently dusting off their old Microsoft Encarta discs, where they can learn about popular topics like the Millennium Bug and Tony Blair’s rise to power.

Older users appear to be confused by matters. Local resident Albert McKillny asks “what soap ever did to congress." "People nowadays just don’t know nout about hygiene, ya ask me.”

“Is Pippa that nice girl off the Channel 5 weather? She should come back. Never rained when she did the forecasts,” wife Ethel added.

In any case, it is somewhat unclear why congress is struggling to cope with Wikipedia’s blackout, as the Simple English page is still functional.

Ryan

In all seriousness though folks, SOPA and PIPA are big deals. Our blog would be affected. No one wants that. Please, educate yourselves on it, sign a petition, do whatever you can to let people, and congress, know that this bill should not be passed. Regardless of what you think, you WILL be affected by it.

References

^[1]en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia

^[2] www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=santorum

^[3]www.theoatmeal.com

Three Dead as Scholar Tells Children Only They Can Save the World

A professor is being questioned by police after it was revealed that he had told three village children to go out on a dangerous adventure, showing a complete lack of responsibility and disregard for their safety.

“What could have possibly gone wrong?” the professor is reported to have said. “They’re at least, what, 13? I’ve known them for years too – they’re capable,” he claimed, despite having only found out their names and genders that morning, and knowing full well that the inept children had trouble surpassing even the most basic of obstacles. “Even if they did get hurt, they could just go to bed and heal right up, ready for another day of fighting evil.”

“Wait, you mean those cats just outside of town weren’t out to get them? Good experience though,” he added, while the police alerted the RSPCA.

When questioned on why he had sent a group of children, who probably had names like Skylar or Nafrat, or NAME for parents in a rush, out to, as he put it, “defeat a great, slumbering evil” instead of calling the local authorities or government, he declared he was unaware that there was any form of government in his sleepy peasant village at the foot of a mountain. He claimed that money would never be an issue either, being available from defeated foes and neighbours’ pots. “I was always planning on sending out some of my aids to provide them with items anyway,” the professor stated. “Not as though they have any other work to do.”

Prior to their tragic fate, the children were under suspicion of theft, vandalism, animal abuse and the carrying of illegal performance-enhancing substances.

CCTV footage reveals multiple enemies, incredible
magical attacks and a crappy ATB system.

The exact series of events are currently unclear. It is believed that one of the children had overslept, being woken up by his mother alerting him of his tardiness, despite apparently not knowing the time herself. Upon meeting with his friends and the aforementioned scholar, the professor then sent them out to stop an approaching doom. Despite the somewhat short notice, the mostly single parents were apparently unperturbed and willingly went along with the idea. Reports of the fateful encounter are coming in though, with each of the suspected murders apparently occurring in turn. Why the children were unable to get away safely is unclear.

“I assumed they’d eventually be strong enough to complete their mission. But apparently the villains were waiting in the next town. I doubt they even got through ten low level random encounters,” a visibly distressed parent stated.

Police are reportedly having trouble deciphering exactly what happened, with each witness statement currently being limited to one repeated sentence.

Police are reportedly having trouble deciphering exactly what happened, with each witness statement currently being limited to one repeated sentence.

Ryan

Scientists Suggest Superluminal Santa

Scientist at the OPERA (Oslo Polar Electromagnetic Resonance Analyser) in Norway have detected the common reindeer, Rangifer tarandus, travelling faster than the speed of light.  A fundamental law of physics, proposed by Albert Einstein, is that nothing is able to travel faster than 299,792,458 meters per second.

The OPERA is part of a lesser known collaboration between Scandinavian scientific research institutes known as CERN (Centre for the Experimentation of the Real and Not-real).  OPERA falls safely into the “N” category.  OPERA lies 1,400 metres beneath the University of Oslo’s department of Theoretical Astrophysics.  This latest experiment was a combined effort between the University’s Astrophysics department, who designed the 1800 tonne detector (an array of electronics and carrots that reindeer are found of), maintain the 73km track which the reindeer travel along and analyse the complex results once the Reindeer reach the detector, and the University’s Animal Management department who supplied the carrots.

The reindeer were released from the starting point with cries of “Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!” and then proceeded to travel the 73km to the detector attracted by the smell of carrots. The reindeer were recorded arriving 60ns faster than a photon travelling the same distance.  Professor Clement Moore, the head of the research team which announced the finding, has said the discovery is “shocking”.

It is currently unclear how red light would
guide Santa, as it would be trailing in his wake.

If the findings are true then the ramifications are massive for not only physics, with the dismissal of their oh-so-precious special relativity, but also for the (arguably more important) question of Santa’s existence.  Asantists often suggest that it is physically impossible for Santa to travel quick enough to deliver the billions of presents in a single night.  They are also quick to claim that the burden of proof lies with the followers of Father Christmas, so have not bothered to prove that Santa cannot perform these miracles.

Professor Moore was quick to point out that if the results are true then they provide a theoretical basis for Santa’s quick movement.  Quantum theory shows that reindeer are linked to other particles, Santa’s Sleigh, by the Whimsical Noël Force (WNF) and thus, if reindeer are able to move faster than the speed of light, so is Santa’s Sleigh. 

Modern day Scrooge Neil deGrasse Tyson has proposed that if a Sleigh were to move at such a speed it should emit a cone of radiation, which has yet to be observed.  Moore was quick to provide an answer “...my colleagues and I suggest that the presents dispensed are equivalent to the radiation suggested [by Tyson], assuming of course E still equals MC²... we are looking to disprove the rest of Einstein’s theories by next week.”

Tyson, who one can imagine will be receiving coal this Christmas as punishment for his disbelief, fired off another criticism stating that if presents were given out the overall mass of the Sleigh would decrease breaking the “conservation of mass” law.  Professor Moore, like any good scientist, was quick to get the facts to fit his theory as opposed to the old fashioned (some would say repressive) method of getting theory to fit facts.  Moore has suggested that the mince pies consumed by Santa keep the overall mass constant.

Moore, ever humble, admits that his team are “not entirely sure” of the results but express a certain level of confidence since they have repeated the experiment “at least twelve times”.  There are plans to repeat the experiment sending the reindeer as a pulse (e.g. Donder and Blitzen) instead of a continuous group allowing for more accurate measurements.

Professor Moore released one final statement, “Whether we prove Santa’s existence today or tomorrow it does not matter, for we are certain that Santa exists: in the smile of every child, the first snowflake of winter and in the heart of every good person.”

Liam

Is getting so much compressed organic material this year.

Someone’s Behind You

The contents of this article may be too scary for some readers. Parental guidance is advised. In fact, no one should read this. You will literally be scared to death. What’s that you say? You like to be scared? You like being unable to sleep at night, afraid that if for just one second you close your eyes, you could be killed, possessed or worse? Well then, faithful Cause and Effect viewer, brace yourself for pure terror and read on…

Reports coming in this Halloween weekend are suggesting that someone is actually standing right behind you, though confirmation is still required on whether it is a person or a spiritual being from the very depths of Hell itself. You just looked and there was no one there? Oh, I must just be hallucinating that unexplained shadow coming over your shoulder then and you must be imagining how cold it suddenly feels.

Your house just turned black and white.
How did you not notice?

Scientists are trying to provide an explanation for the fact that the door downstairs just creaked despite no one else being home but you, but have thus far only come up with a weak “probably the wind” theory. This hypothesis doesn’t explain the sound of shackles, the consistent lightening on a clear night sky, or the constant dialling tone you hear when the phone rings though. Or the dread. Nothing explains the dread. They state that it is far more likely that you angered the spirits of the deceased when you taunted that Gypsy the other night, burnt that Ouija Board and played that nasty game of tarot card solitaire…

Despite repeated sightings of small children in the mirror, yet none being there when you turn around, you apparently still refuse to believe anything paranormal is occurring here. Maybe you’re sitting there right now in your unbelieving state, when you get a sudden shudder down your spine. Your hands suddenly go cold. Your breathing gets faster and faster and faster, and a single bead of sweat slowly drips down your panicked fa-RIGHT THERE! Did you see it? No? Must be my imagination.

Ok, I’ll stop now. This level of terror can rarely be handled by someone, so I shall ceas-PSYCHE! This horrifying ordeal is only about to get worse!  

[Sound of maniacal laughter]

I'm not saying that these guys are behind you but...
They're behind you.

You’ll be lying in bed tonight, and those two red eyes will appear on the other side of your room again. You’ll hide under the covers, close your eyes, pull the pillow over your head, praying that you’ll make it to morning, because you know that if it knows that you know it’s there… You just breathed your last breath. And yet you sneak a peak anyway. Perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps because your rational and logical side simply will not believe that anything could possibly have slithered its way into your humble abode without your keen senses picking it up. Whatever the reason, you look, and the unexplained form still lingers, staring, always staring. You’ll turn on your lamp. Nothing there? Then it’ll already be too late.

Yes, that was a wolf howl just then. Sounded pretty far away though. You should probably be more worried about the bat lurking on your ceiling.

By

The Guy Standing Behind You

Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers

This past week traditional mothers’ sayings are turning out to be true and influencing real life. The discovery was initially made by 8 year old Jason Cracknell, who, despite repeated warnings by his mother, realised that he had square eyes after “sitting in front of that damn screen” for 6 hours straight.

“Mum always told me that I’d get square eyes…How was I supposed to know that it could actually happen?!” Little Jason exclaimed. “Look at me! I’m a freak,” the circus reject with quadrilateral retinas added.

Once Cracknell noticed that his eyes had ceased being their usual oval shape, he reportedly spent several hours watching a circular pot in an attempt to return his visual sensory organs to their former circular glory. While the results of this attempt are unclear at this time, we do know that the water in the pot never boiled.

Caught in Hurricane Irene?

Clearly then, this phenomenon is not restricted to one incident. Children all over the world were caught short when the wind changed, leaving their faces disfigured, abnormal, and downright ugly. Some controversial reports are coming in suggesting that this particular aspect has actually been going on for many years, citing Steven Tyler as evidence. However, when reached for a comment, Tyler stated his face had “always been like that.”

Other critics have questioned the validity of the observations, pointing out that a “significant percent” of them were made in Leeds, Cornwall and Norfolk.

In the USA, police are reporting an increase in shootings being heard across the country. When investigated further, small passerines were being killed to prevent any more secrets being told. Shooters were apparently mostly hormone deficient youths, attempting to “put hairs on their chests”.

Elsewhere, entomologists are reportedly abandoning traditional vinegar fly traps and switching to more contemporary honey variants.

Ryan