Saturday 30 July 2011

Japan Plant “Unready” For Godzilla Attack

Japan’s crippled Fukushima nuclear plant is not fully prepared for the impending death and destruction of the Godzilla attack likely to be hitting them soon, officials admit.

Tokyo Electric Power (Tepco), which runs the plant, have stated that some of the reactors are uncovered, leading some to fear that the alluring smell of uranium may attract the giant mutant lizard, who is believed to be a fan of radiation.

Godzilla is expected to hit the plant as early as next Tuesday, with some sightings already being reported of the monster emerging from his watery residence in the Pacific Ocean.

Fukushima was heavily damaged by the deadly 11 March quake and tsunami.

Have you seen this reptile?
“We have made utmost efforts, but we have not completed the rebuilding of the plant at this moment in time,” stated a Tepco official. “Currently, our weapons systems would only be able to restrain Gojira for a small amount of time, after which we would be helpless before the rampaging might of the 200 foot reptile.”

“We are particularly vulnerable to fire breath,” continued the visibly distressed plant worker.

Evacuation plans have already been put into action, with those living within a 80km radius being advised to watch for tell-tale ripples in their cups of water signalling the approaching behemoth. Within a 30km radius, residents have been told to be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary, such as overly large footprints, scorched forests and anything with teeth bigger than its face. Those living closer are recommended to have bags packed and alternative living arrangements organised, as well as any automatic assault rifles or 200 foot Mechagodzillas on hand in case of an emergency.

Any unfortunate people living on the expected route that Godzilla will take from Tokyo (Godzilla’s usual haunt) to the plant have been advised to disperse as well, lest they want to be “part of the rubble left in the towering giant’s wake.”

Critics have questioned why it was necessary for the plant officials to build a large neon sign near the plant, with bright lights thought to be a key factor to Godzilla’s usual aggressiveness in Tokyo.

Meanwhile, plant workers have started constructing a giant lantern, in the hopes of attracting Mothra so that it might act as a last-ditch defence mechanism.

Ryan

Sunday 17 July 2011

Possible Alien Message Prompts Division among Earthlings.

First contact.  Yesterday at 3.00AM, the Arecibo Observatory (run by the SETI organisation) in Puerto Rico received the first ever conscious electromagnetic transmission from a non-human source.

Ron Neary was in charge of the satellite at the time.  “I [was] sat at the computer watching it scan the same incredibly narrow stretch of the electromagnetic spectrum (SETI radio antenna receive signals in the microwaves range of the electromagnetic spectrum) and suddenly it came through.”  Ron has published a picture online of the signal he saw, a white piece of paper with the characters “6EQUJ5” circled and the annotation “My God! It’s full of signals.”

Ron continued “I was just so pleased that I would be the one to break the news to humanity – all those years, man hours and money and we got this!” At this point, Ron showed the piece of paper again, waving it frantically. “See, see, don’t you see it was worth it?”

The reaction from humanity has been less than enthusiastic.  The SETI organisation has encountered resistance, such as in the form of Kristopher Coulomb, a Russian Computer Scientist. He believes that this is something we should fear, and not just because it removes the notion that humanity is special. He also warns that making further contact with a “technologically superior race” would be similar to “the effect Europeans had on the Native American population.”

The “Blue and Noble Planet” (BaNP) is a worldwide organisation with worries about Alien visitors.  Nicole Frinfig, a spokesperson, is worried that visitors to our “already full planet” will be detrimental to those “already here, and can trace their humanity back hundreds of generations.”  They have released a leaflet titled “Earth jobs for Earthlings”.  Black, White, The Other Colours, Rich, Poor, Stupid and Ignorant all united by a common hatred.

The third kind of resistance encountered is composed of elderly scientists who have formed the Bohr Society (named for the famous physicist).  Head of the Society, Eugene Murray, sent a letter to science journal Nature. It starts "When I were a lad we had only Carbon based life forms to study using nout but a magnifying glass, not these newfangled fancy aliens.”  He goes on to say "The year was 1947; I was posted to New Mexico...those were the days of aliens. You could buy a newspaper and visit the crash and still get change from a nickel... and we were happy.”

Not all of the responses have been negative; some have proclaimed that these beings from the heavens may indeed save us from ourselves if we do truly ruin this planet.  However, SETI have released a statement: “Although it may be a long time before we encounter aliens it is clear to see that we [SETI] have proved our usefulness”.

Liam
Welcomes our new alien overlords.