PM Urges Tighter Regulations on Neutrinos

After successfully defending the nation’s children from pornography (and dating, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, file sharing, gambling, games, social networking, suicide, self-harm, weapons, violence, socialism, hats and clouds) whilst not actually needing parents to do anything the British Primer Minister has a new target.  Neutrinos.

London's Liverpool St. station has been simply overrun
with neutrinos

Neutrinos are electrically neutral subatomic particles that are able to pass through normal matter unimpeded, making detection very difficult, resulting in Home Secretary Theresa May expressing her concerns that “we currently don’t know how many [neutrinos] are coming into the country illegally every day.” It has been predicted that about 65 billion solar neutrinos per second pass through every square centimetre of Britain, a figure described by the Daily Express as “Romanian-like”.  The first policy against neutrinos took the form of a large van which, Ms. May reveals, will drive “aimlessly” around North London telling neutrinos that they should "go home". The effect this will have on other well-established sub-atomic communities is still controversial.

Children are to be banned from bringing neutrinos into school as part of their packed lunches. They are to be replaced by state-approved school lunches, which will only provide the correct flavours of neutrinos (tau, muon and strawberry).  Parents across the land were quick to fill online comment boxes with measured debate about the relative benefits of school lunches vs. lunch boxes, all accompanied by large sample sizes and statistical tests.

Physics students are also to be effected by the changes.  All courses on theoretical physics will require students to "opt-in" online.  The Daily Mail is reporting that physicists are engaged in watching "steamy particle on particle action" with a "negligible regard for the nation's morals".  The Mail promises to keep up its fight to "protect decency" by filling the side bar of its website with a "plethora of scantily clad women".

Opponents think that parents should simply talk to their children about sub-atomic particles instead.  However Michael Gove, education secretary, has reported that the number of parents with PhDs in theoretical physics has fallen below 12% and so today's parents just cannot cope with the post-neutrino world.

Labour leader Ed Miliband (Formally ED and the Miller Band) has described the plans as a "reactionary swing to the right" in the wake of UKIP's success in the Eastleigh by-election.  Nigel Farage, UKIP leader, has applauded the plans: "for too long the Italian Neutrino has been the prime example of continental meddling in Britain", while Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, wants "...only British particles in schools and work places" such as the Higgs boson.

In a surprising turn of actually saying something clever, Ed Miliband has noted that both Tory policies and neutrinos have much in common "[with both being] largely theoretical concepts which just pass through you".

By Liam and Ryan
A coalition for science

Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term

Today [22^nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike.  The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”.  The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.

The exact mechanics which lead to the birth are sketchy at best and pure speculation at worse.  A longtitudinal study, from Imperial College London, of over nine months has been following the Duchess and has just released some initial findings.  A report on the university's website reveals that “The Duchess received increased media attention after her common vagina (Vagina vulgaris) interlocked with the royal cock (Prince william)”.  The study reports some movement between the two followed by the “transfer of an unknown white fluid and [on the Duchess’ face] a look of disappointment." 

Initial sketches of the juvenile show striking
resemblances to the adult form.

Dr. Nigel Bayes, one of the lead researchers, has offered some insight into the probability behind the sex of the child; Bayes' Theorem (as it is now known) postulates that the chance of the sex being male is “50%” as the result of the inheritance of “some discrete unit”. At present no such unit is known.  Statistics carried out during the study has also revealed a “strong negative correlation” is seen between Royal menstruation and being with child, the cause of which is also unknown.

Now that the birth has occurred, the scientific eye will turn to the child, with biologists (occupying the newly created field of Developmental Biology) suggesting that the child is likely to inherit characteristics from both parents.  Christine Volhard, a geneticist at the Max-Planck Institute, was able to briefly study the infant and released a statement saying that the “[the Royal Baby’s] inheritance seems to agree with Gregor Mendel’s  preliminary investigations [with pea plants],” while stressing the groundbreaking observation that “the rules of inheritance seem to apply to both plants and humans.” However, science demands that as many variables as possible be taken into account when drawing conclusions. Thus we eagerly await Prince William fathering many more children with multiple women which might act as controls; henceforth known as a method of “birth control”. He appears to be following in his ancestors’ footsteps – for example Henry I appeared to be well versed in this particular aspect of scientific philosophy (n = 29).

Volhard is optimistic for the child's future, adding “One can only hope he inherits his aunt’s arse.”

The public have also displayed a thirst for knowledge.  Hundreds of members of the public have, bravely, disregarded the privacy of both the Duchess and other patients at the hospital to glean what information they can. People at the scene have reported “intense screams of pain” confirming that Royals have nociceptors (whether Royals can empathise with the public is still unconfirmed) and the “small clang” of a “silver spoon dropping from a vagina.”

To satisfy the public's desire for this ground breaking event the BBC has sent their entire team, not just the news division, to the hospital with reporter Chris May seen leaving the site of a burning Mosque in Tipton whilst shouting out “babies!” and Richard Hammond, of Top Gear fame, promising to get there “as fast as he can”.

Liam

Does what ever common people do.

Tour de France Cyclist Collapses as Circulatory System Found to Lack Actual Blood

In the latest damaging development to tarnish the previously spotless reputation of international cycling, French rider Cyril Gautier fell from his bike in exhaustion earlier today during stage 19 of the Tour de France, and it was later revealed that, in alignment with the current wave of transhumanism sweeping the world of cycling, he had attempted to replace all of the blood in his body with a cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs.

The promising young Team Europcar rider, competing in his fourth Tour de France, had apparently ignored all medical warnings relating to the dangers of replacing a vital system with synthetic compounds including a lack of energy, breathlessness, infection and death, leaving many to wonder how he could even stand.

Witnesses report seeing him graze his knee when he fell, resulting in local fauna now capable of benching 80kg.

This is not the first controversy the Tour has seen this year. During stage 7, Dane Jakob Fuglsang was found to have illegally replaced his reproductive system with a jet propulsion booster, who defended himself claiming that “at least [my] drugs test was clean”. Further, in stage 13, it was discovered that Australian Michael Rogers was actually an octopus (Octopus vulgaris) riding a tandem. When reached for a comment, Team Saxo-Tinkoff manager Philippe Mauduit claimed he was unaware of the rule breach, although he had noticed that “Michael seemed to be taking on an unusually large amount of water and eating crabs with his mouth, which in retrospect is clearly a beak”.

These incidents of course all follow in the wake of two major controversies in recent years. The first involved Lance Armstrong in 2005, who could be seen at the front of the pack hastily trading his yellow jersey and one remaining testicle for a red blood cell top-up. Armstrong was well-known for never leaving the house without a clean sample of urine, although famously denied using drugs up until 2013, having previously only admitted to pedalling.

Doping has spread to other species too:
in the Claw de France, many say the
Fiddler crab isn't even trying to hide its
steroid use anymore.

He further defended himself claiming: “I’ve conquered both France and cancer now. Both required copious amounts of drugs, and yet I only get congratulated for one. I call double standards.”

The second of these incidents relates to Bradley Wiggins, who, following accusations by opposing riders that his hair was actually a peregrine falcon he was using to distract them with, had to pull out of this year’s Tour. “I can see where the allegations stem from,” said Hugh Porter, former world champion and cycling commentator. “No one has hair that bad.”

When reached for a comment, Wiggins’ spokesman claimed “Yes, definitely spokes,” while pointing to a wheel.

Fortunately this year, no Brits have currently become embroiled in these sagas, although Team Sky rider Peter Kennaugh was caught in a sticky situation when he was found with three substances banned in France: soap, shampoo, and deodorant. Brit Chris Froome has also managed to avoid any punishment after his urine test came back positive only for the Pill, raising more questions than answers.

USA contender Jack Bauer has also been cleared of any wrong doing with regards to his drugs test, although during this year’s Tour he has lost his daughter and wife, prevented a nuclear war and killed several innocent civilians. However, progress is slow-going with each stage taking him 24 hours to complete (18 if you remove ad breaks).

In other sporting controversy, Australia’s dismal display during the 2^nd Ashes test leads many to suspect that England captain Alastair Cook may have spiked the tea-break crumpets.

Ryan

What’s 2 balls minus 1? International shame brought upon your sport

Homophobes Called in to Save the Panda

With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail.  As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed.  The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”

Pandas, as has been scientifically shown, are the single most important endangered species alive.  However, a spokesman from the WWF has suggested that, according to a recent survey, the British public is losing patience with the “black and white bastards” at their refusal to breed “even just a little bit”. The reduction in public support for their activities, bordering on anger, gives the homophobe a sense of connection with the panda not available to others conservationists.

Refusing to have sex and eating a single
nutrient-poor plant. Evolution clearly
forgot about the pandas.

Five homophobe academics at San Diego Zoo (home of one female and three male pandas) have recently published a paper entitled “Copulation Orientation Choices Kill Species” in the journal “Natural”.  The paper proposes that the reason behind the failure of panda reproduction is black and white – captivity is “unnatural” and leads to an increase in male pandas “choosing” to be homosexual.

The group’s leader, Dr. Richard Irons, has issued a statement: “Much like humans at the age of 16, pandas must decide whether to be heterosexual or lead a life of sin”.  The group’s website features a game in which children take on the role of adolescent pandas and choose which genitals they wish to spend the rest of their lives chasing.

The group have suggested two solutions.

The first is the creation of the world’s first “Panda Straight Camp” in which all male pandas in America are to be taken to a remote location with only “a single sex for company and emotional support” which should push them towards “panda vagina…any day now”.  The second, requiring more effort, has the team “praying out the gay” with God expecting to reverse hardwired sexual circuitry “at some point... probably”.

The group also highlights additional areas of panda life that will improve.  A recent study found that panda divorce has increased in recent years (Panda Marital Research, Divorce Issue, Volume 1).  Dr. Irons‘ research has suggested that it is homosexual panda relationships that cause heterosexual relationships to fall apart “somehow”.  By preventing “committed homosexual relationships” the group hopes that the divorce rate will plummet, families will stay together, and “adolescent pandas will stop dying themselves yellow in rebellion” (a current fad known as wasping).

There has been some criticism from those afraid of change. Those in opposition to the plans proposed from Dr. Iron’s group have, presumably after a celebratory homosexual orgy following DOMA’s demise, suggested that “Homosexuality is not a choice” and that even if it were it “doesn’t matter” and that they “do look good in these jeans”, while also highlighting that internment of pandas in camps may cause stress to the animals.  The research group were quick to alleviate any fears that they were causing any harm; “we love the Sino-bear but hate the Sin.”

At present the group has yet to show any successful results in either panda population or public perception.  When asked what their future plans were if their current research fails, Dr. Iron replied: “Hermaphroditic snails?” with a shrug. 

Liam

What’s black and white and red all over? This article.

New Pope to be Chosen by Celebrity MasterChef

Sources from Vatican City have stunned the world on Monday, not only by announcing His Holiness Benedict XVI had resigned, but also that the next pope would be selected from a list of candidates participating in a special edition of Celebrity MasterChef.

“It’s been 600 years since someone last resigned from the papacy. To our knowledge no ruler of the Holy See has ever been selected by a televised cook-off,” announced Vatican spokesman Frederico Lombardi.

The series, set to be advertised next month with the tagline of “Vatican or Vatican’t?”, will feature a number of prominent celebrities who have nominated themselves and been approved by the Conclave.

“While traditionally the only requirements to become a pope are that the candidate be a male Catholic, we are excited to expand our range to connect with the world’s population, while still maintaining Catholic values. Chris Brown, for example, was one of the first to volunteer for the competition. He shows such clear disregard for women’s rights that he was an obvious choice,” Lombardi explains

“Plus I hear he makes an excellent soufflé.”

Other participants in the competition currently include Queens Park Rangers manager Harry Redknapp, who can “always find top ingredients for a good price”, and QI presenter Stephen Fry, who “makes a fine Ratzinger Ratatouille, a staple of the papal.”

Judges John Torode and Gregg Wallace claim that current West Ham United manager Sam Allardyce, who is “usually able to get the best from old ingredients”, has an excellent chance having seen him in the preliminary rounds.

“He showed a real boldness about his cooking, creating a delicious selection of traditional English cooking, opting for a truffled ballotine of quail with red onion and beetroot puree and garlic cream, beautifully garnished with an assortment of herbs you could find in your own back garden. He even made sure to boil the vegetables in holy water. This is particularly important for carrots – truly the root of all evil.”

Torode was less hopeful about participant Chris Huhne, former MP. “Initially he tried to keep it simple, serving just wine and bread. When he made the jump to eggs Benedict… Well, all I’ll say is that there was black smoke coming from the kitchens – never a good sign.”

“Apparently his wife usually helps him out,” Torode added.

"Let's see what you could have won...!"

Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney has announced himself as a surprise contender, despite being a Mormon. “But let’s face it, he’s no ones first choice,” Wallace states. “I’m fairly sure he’s only competing as the job of pope won't entail the same pay cut as presidency would have."

Pope Benedict XVI, who has somewhat embarrassingly left no heirs, has shown his full support for the programme. He was widely known respected for taking his quick decision skills from the kitchen into office. “For example when he exonerated all Jews for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ – he really nipped that one in the bud before it got out of hand,” Lombardi states.

Joseph Ratzinger, as he will presumably now be known, has recently taken to Twitter, where he hopes to “really connect with the youth of today”, something many in the Catholic Church are attempting.

In other news, sources in Tibet state that the current Dalai Lama will face his previous incarnations in a special episode of Come Dine With Me.

Ryan

Scientist Admits to Playing God

Dr David Coeles, a geneticist at the Cavendish Laboratory at the University of Cambridge, has revealed that he has been “playing God” for the past few years.

Dr. Coeles admits “flirting” with the idea much earlier, having being previously accused of playing God by anti-GM protestors worried that his “apples of knowledge” would cross breed with less “intelligently designed” apples.  However, after his most recently published paper “Garden of E. coli” (Nature 494), Dr. Coeles admitted “I am the Way the Truth and the Electromagnetic Radiation.”

In another experiment, titled “The First Step to the Trinity”, Coeles was able to complete the first human clone. This involved taking the nucleus from one of his own cells and inserting it into a enucleated oocyte obtained from the ovary of a virgin. The result was a genetically identical healthy boy – both Coeles’ son, and Coeles himself.  

Note: full access to this article is unavailable without subscription or using the light of a star to guide your way.

Coeles has elaborated on his idea of his Trinity further, stating: “Until such a time when evidence of a soul is convincing, and it can be isolated, this bottle of baptised mineral turpentine will complete the Trinity.”

Despite his recent appointment to Godhood there have been some critics of his work, in particular the ethics revolving human cloning. Coeles’ (recently formed) followers have retorted, “How dare you try to understand the mind of David?”

Work on Coeles' own Cysteine Chapel to begin immediately.

Ever since his Ascension Coeles has become un-responsive to any emails sent to him and when he does reply his answers are “vague, ambiguous and open to interpretation” (See also: British Journal of Sociology).  His current PhD and undergraduate students have reported “no change”.  The Westboro Baptist Church has, allegedly, emailed asking for his opinions concerning “Fags”.

Prospective students in the Coeles’ lab are expected to have a much more difficult time at future interviews.   The “Father of all” has recently been asking for the “first born sons” of applicants and the forging of “eternal covenants” maintained by the “circumcision of male children", as well as "at least three academic references."

Coeles will not let his new found omnipotence affect his academic output, promising to use his “fish and bread division skills” to end poverty in Africa the very second they start “praying enough.”  And although he no longer requires peer review, and can publish “anything he wants” and people will still believe it, he is pushing ahead with new investigations.  His most recently proposed experiment, according to a fellow academic, has shown the same level of design and forward thinking that “gives a human a completely useless organ that occasionally ruptures and kills you”.

Daily Mail readers have been ecstatic since it confirms not only the “arrogance of intellectuals” but also that God is “…honest, hard working and, most importantly, British.”

Many American scientists have also admitted to being Gods since it gives their research groups tax-exempt status.  Dr. Coeles was quick to tweet his followers “…do not worship false investigators, I am the real God (P<0.05).”

From the Gospel of Liam
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