Monday 31 October 2011

Someone’s Behind You


The contents of this article may be too scary for some readers. Parental guidance is advised. In fact, no one should read this. You will literally be scared to death. What’s that you say? You like to be scared? You like being unable to sleep at night, afraid that if for just one second you close your eyes, you could be killed, possessed or worse? Well then, faithful Cause and Effect viewer, brace yourself for pure terror and read on…

Reports coming in this Halloween weekend are suggesting that someone is actually standing right behind you, though confirmation is still required on whether it is a person or a spiritual being from the very depths of Hell itself. You just looked and there was no one there? Oh, I must just be hallucinating that unexplained shadow coming over your shoulder then and you must be imagining how cold it suddenly feels.

Your house just turned black and white.
How did you not notice?

Scientists are trying to provide an explanation for the fact that the door downstairs just creaked despite no one else being home but you, but have thus far only come up with a weak “probably the wind” theory. This hypothesis doesn’t explain the sound of shackles, the consistent lightening on a clear night sky, or the constant dialling tone you hear when the phone rings though. Or the dread. Nothing explains the dread. They state that it is far more likely that you angered the spirits of the deceased when you taunted that Gypsy the other night, burnt that Ouija Board and played that nasty game of tarot card solitaire…

Despite repeated sightings of small children in the mirror, yet none being there when you turn around, you apparently still refuse to believe anything paranormal is occurring here. Maybe you’re sitting there right now in your unbelieving state, when you get a sudden shudder down your spine. Your hands suddenly go cold. Your breathing gets faster and faster and faster, and a single bead of sweat slowly drips down your panicked fa-RIGHT THERE! Did you see it? No? Must be my imagination.

Ok, I’ll stop now. This level of terror can rarely be handled by someone, so I shall ceas-PSYCHE! This horrifying ordeal is only about to get worse!  

[Sound of maniacal laughter]

I'm not saying that these guys are behind you but...
They're behind you.
You’ll be lying in bed tonight, and those two red eyes will appear on the other side of your room again. You’ll hide under the covers, close your eyes, pull the pillow over your head, praying that you’ll make it to morning, because you know that if it knows that you know it’s there… You just breathed your last breath. And yet you sneak a peak anyway. Perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps because your rational and logical side simply will not believe that anything could possibly have slithered its way into your humble abode without your keen senses picking it up. Whatever the reason, you look, and the unexplained form still lingers, staring, always staring. You’ll turn on your lamp. Nothing there? Then it’ll already be too late.

Yes, that was a wolf howl just then. Sounded pretty far away though. You should probably be more worried about the bat lurking on your ceiling.

By
The Guy Standing Behind You

Friday 21 October 2011

Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers


This past week traditional mothers’ sayings are turning out to be true and influencing real life. The discovery was initially made by 8 year old Jason Cracknell, who, despite repeated warnings by his mother, realised that he had square eyes after “sitting in front of that damn screen” for 6 hours straight.

“Mum always told me that I’d get square eyes…How was I supposed to know that it could actually happen?!” Little Jason exclaimed. “Look at me! I’m a freak,” the circus reject with quadrilateral retinas added.

Once Cracknell noticed that his eyes had ceased being their usual oval shape, he reportedly spent several hours watching a circular pot in an attempt to return his visual sensory organs to their former circular glory. While the results of this attempt are unclear at this time, we do know that the water in the pot never boiled.

Caught in Hurricane Irene?
Clearly then, this phenomenon is not restricted to one incident. Children all over the world were caught short when the wind changed, leaving their faces disfigured, abnormal, and downright ugly. Some controversial reports are coming in suggesting that this particular aspect has actually been going on for many years, citing Steven Tyler as evidence. However, when reached for a comment, Tyler stated his face had “always been like that.”

Other critics have questioned the validity of the observations, pointing out that a “significant percent” of them were made in Leeds, Cornwall and Norfolk.

In the USA, police are reporting an increase in shootings being heard across the country. When investigated further, small passerines were being killed to prevent any more secrets being told. Shooters were apparently mostly hormone deficient youths, attempting to “put hairs on their chests”.

Elsewhere, entomologists are reportedly abandoning traditional vinegar fly traps and switching to more contemporary honey variants.

Ryan