Sunday 23 February 2014

Russia's Olympic Closing Ceremony Springboards Weather Change Plan

Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by revealing their most recent scientific endeavour.  Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.

While previous weather control attempts have sought to regulate the atmospheric conditions through more conventional means such as cloud seeding, the control of homosexuals leads to indirect weather control by manipulating the power of God, a well-known and vocal homophobe. Extinguishing a particular population for the good of one country has of course been tried before though: Germany is the most recent example, also using an Olympic games to demonstrate their success. Germany had the aim of improving their sense of humour and the results speak for themselves – something Russia is now trying to emulate.

“Russia has nothing but ice,” Russian president Vladimir Putin explained, while standing on the head of a child. “We need good weather to fulfil our goal of being a popular tourist destination, like the south of France, Florida or Brighton. Except not Brighton; too many gays.”
Russia in 50 years. Minus the gays.

“For too long we have had awful weather. I think it started with that t.A.T.u song; if you watch the music video, it’s raining there too,” said the ex-KGB member, who in his spare time enjoys hunting, fishing, ignoring the west and paying off international authorities.

Asked how he expected to regulate the homosexual population, he elaborated: “It is easy. Once you have lured them in, such as with a rainbow, it is like shooting fish in a barrel. Except in Russia there are no fish. And no barrel. Just ice.”

The Sochi 2014 Olympic Organizing Committee has begun investigations into some of the athletes already regarding alleged homosexual activity. “Naturally, all male figure skaters have already been removed from competition,” states Alexander Zhukov, chair of the Committee.

“We’re also looking into Team GB’s Lizzy Yarnold. We expect that she has some skeletons in her closet.”

Currently, only UKIP in the UK have caught on to Russia’s plan with Councillor David Silvester recently blaming the UK’s winter flooding on gays, while Ellen DeGeneres going on holiday to New York is believed to be the cause of the US’s recent polar vortex.

There has been a rapid response from the international community, both in favour and against Russia’s plans.

Silvio Berlusconi has immediately backed Russia, stating he was devastated he had not thought of the plan himself. “First you control the gays, then you control the weather, then you get the women,” said the former Italian Prime Minister, draped in 3 prostitutes and elaborate tax evasion plans.

Scarlett Johansson, fresh from a visit to a SodaStream factory in the West Bank, is hoping to use the new scientific findings to re-establish her role as an Oxfam ambassador.  At present, she is drawing up plans to parachute in a “considerable” amount of homosexuals into sub-Saharan Africa in a bid to end the arid conditions there.

However, some critics have pointed out that decimating the homosexuals will surely exacerbate climate change, to which Russian authorities replied that was “the entire idea”. Objections have arisen from within the country too, where protesters contained within the designated protest zone in Chernobyl have given Putin’s plan “3 thumbs down”.

While Russia appears content to let campaigners protest, Putin himself is well known for his harsh stance on dissent, with numerous conspiracy theories suggesting that he has been involved in the assassination of anyone who speaks out against hi--------



This editor regrets to inform Cause and Effect readers that Ryan, writer of this article, has been found dead in his house, due to suspected polonium-210 poisoning. The above form of this article was found on his laptop. We offer our greatest condolences to anyone who knew him.


His widow Liam survives him.

Friday 7 February 2014

Science Solved, Academics Struggle to Adjust


Science was finally solved last Wednesday at around 10 am (Central European Time) by Sir Paul Nurse (Nobel Laureate, President of the Royal Society, Heat magazine’s ‘Sexiest Fission Yeast Biologist’).  Sir Paul (Sir, to his friends) was visiting the CERN facility near Geneva where he is reported to have ‘snorted the [still radioactive] ashes of Marie Curie before falling into a beam of protons being accelerated by the Large Hadron Collider’.  He stumbled out saying repeatedly ‘I’ve done it’ and then wrote a single equation onto a chalkboard without mentioning the number ’42’ once.

The finding has been met with mixed reactions from the scientific and non-scientific communities.  Sir Peter Bazalgette, Chair of the Arts Council of England, has welcomed the news saying that with science finished they “might actually get some fucking money”.  Harry Spencer, a psychologist at Harvard University, was equally happy suggesting that the ‘ball was in [psychology’s] court now’, though it is expected that the world will continue to ignore the fields of sociology and political science.
Once commonplace around Fine Arts
colleges, signs such as this are thought
to now be a thing of the past

In contrast, the science community is largely despondent at the news. The now ex-scholars are seeking employment and purpose in the ‘real’ world. 

Susan Page, previously a molecular biologist from the University of Bath, was able to find work at an employment agency.  She was fired after two weeks for repeatedly trying to separate applicants for the various jobs on offer by, according to the official summary of her dismissal, ‘centrifugation… [and], failing that, agarose gel’.  Interviewed soon after, she was heard to exclaim “but this is all I know how to do”.

Neuroscientists have also been reported as struggling with their new roles in society; many have found work in veterinary practices due to their animal handling experience. However, they appear to be encountering problems with their insistence on “investigating the real source of the problem” when confronted with animals behaving unusually.

Henrietta Hodgkin, head of funding for Cancer Research UK, thought her expertise in handling money and spending it on important things would be of use to the UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gideon Osborne.  A letter from the Prime Minister, David Cameron, deflated these hopes informing her that her ‘financial expertise’ would be of ‘no use to this, or any future, Conservative Government’.

Greg LemaĆ®tre, a theoretical physicist at Oxford, was able to find work in the theological studies department.  While his logic has been of “little use” to the department, his experience of doing work with almost zero practical application has been “invaluable”. Other theoretical physicists have been hit harder, with some found hanging around the University of Manchester, hoping Brian Cox might recruit them for a documentary. One physicist, identified only as Dr. Destruction, is hoping to make use of CERN to create “one of those black holes everyone was so worried about” and hold the world to ransom.

It is not all bad news for scientists.  PhD students, able to work long hours for little pay, even less appreciation and high levels of verbal abuse, have been able to find work in the sweat shops that are dotted throughout southeast Asia.  Physicists in the USA have found their expertise in handling ‘infinitesimally small amounts of matter’ has made them ideal for dealing with the average nutritional value of meals served by chains in the fast-food sector. Tenured professors, who for years have produced nothing novel, whilst coasting off previous successes, have been hired in their droves to help design the iPhone 6.

The family lives of scientists are also predicted to improve.  Anna Blot, the partner of Susan Page, posted to twitter that her girlfriend’s desire to repeat everything at least three times for “statistical significance” is “very much appreciated”.

Liam and Ryan
Some of our best friends are social scientists