Three Dead as Scholar Tells Children Only They Can Save the World

A professor is being questioned by police after it was revealed that he had told three village children to go out on a dangerous adventure, showing a complete lack of responsibility and disregard for their safety.

“What could have possibly gone wrong?” the professor is reported to have said. “They’re at least, what, 13? I’ve known them for years too – they’re capable,” he claimed, despite having only found out their names and genders that morning, and knowing full well that the inept children had trouble surpassing even the most basic of obstacles. “Even if they did get hurt, they could just go to bed and heal right up, ready for another day of fighting evil.”

“Wait, you mean those cats just outside of town weren’t out to get them? Good experience though,” he added, while the police alerted the RSPCA.

When questioned on why he had sent a group of children, who probably had names like Skylar or Nafrat, or NAME for parents in a rush, out to, as he put it, “defeat a great, slumbering evil” instead of calling the local authorities or government, he declared he was unaware that there was any form of government in his sleepy peasant village at the foot of a mountain. He claimed that money would never be an issue either, being available from defeated foes and neighbours’ pots. “I was always planning on sending out some of my aids to provide them with items anyway,” the professor stated. “Not as though they have any other work to do.”

Prior to their tragic fate, the children were under suspicion of theft, vandalism, animal abuse and the carrying of illegal performance-enhancing substances.

CCTV footage reveals multiple enemies, incredible
magical attacks and a crappy ATB system.

The exact series of events are currently unclear. It is believed that one of the children had overslept, being woken up by his mother alerting him of his tardiness, despite apparently not knowing the time herself. Upon meeting with his friends and the aforementioned scholar, the professor then sent them out to stop an approaching doom. Despite the somewhat short notice, the mostly single parents were apparently unperturbed and willingly went along with the idea. Reports of the fateful encounter are coming in though, with each of the suspected murders apparently occurring in turn. Why the children were unable to get away safely is unclear.

“I assumed they’d eventually be strong enough to complete their mission. But apparently the villains were waiting in the next town. I doubt they even got through ten low level random encounters,” a visibly distressed parent stated.

Police are reportedly having trouble deciphering exactly what happened, with each witness statement currently being limited to one repeated sentence.

Police are reportedly having trouble deciphering exactly what happened, with each witness statement currently being limited to one repeated sentence.

Ryan

Scientists Suggest Superluminal Santa

Scientist at the OPERA (Oslo Polar Electromagnetic Resonance Analyser) in Norway have detected the common reindeer, Rangifer tarandus, travelling faster than the speed of light.  A fundamental law of physics, proposed by Albert Einstein, is that nothing is able to travel faster than 299,792,458 meters per second.

The OPERA is part of a lesser known collaboration between Scandinavian scientific research institutes known as CERN (Centre for the Experimentation of the Real and Not-real).  OPERA falls safely into the “N” category.  OPERA lies 1,400 metres beneath the University of Oslo’s department of Theoretical Astrophysics.  This latest experiment was a combined effort between the University’s Astrophysics department, who designed the 1800 tonne detector (an array of electronics and carrots that reindeer are found of), maintain the 73km track which the reindeer travel along and analyse the complex results once the Reindeer reach the detector, and the University’s Animal Management department who supplied the carrots.

The reindeer were released from the starting point with cries of “Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!” and then proceeded to travel the 73km to the detector attracted by the smell of carrots. The reindeer were recorded arriving 60ns faster than a photon travelling the same distance.  Professor Clement Moore, the head of the research team which announced the finding, has said the discovery is “shocking”.

It is currently unclear how red light would
guide Santa, as it would be trailing in his wake.

If the findings are true then the ramifications are massive for not only physics, with the dismissal of their oh-so-precious special relativity, but also for the (arguably more important) question of Santa’s existence.  Asantists often suggest that it is physically impossible for Santa to travel quick enough to deliver the billions of presents in a single night.  They are also quick to claim that the burden of proof lies with the followers of Father Christmas, so have not bothered to prove that Santa cannot perform these miracles.

Professor Moore was quick to point out that if the results are true then they provide a theoretical basis for Santa’s quick movement.  Quantum theory shows that reindeer are linked to other particles, Santa’s Sleigh, by the Whimsical Noël Force (WNF) and thus, if reindeer are able to move faster than the speed of light, so is Santa’s Sleigh. 

Modern day Scrooge Neil deGrasse Tyson has proposed that if a Sleigh were to move at such a speed it should emit a cone of radiation, which has yet to be observed.  Moore was quick to provide an answer “...my colleagues and I suggest that the presents dispensed are equivalent to the radiation suggested [by Tyson], assuming of course E still equals MC²... we are looking to disprove the rest of Einstein’s theories by next week.”

Tyson, who one can imagine will be receiving coal this Christmas as punishment for his disbelief, fired off another criticism stating that if presents were given out the overall mass of the Sleigh would decrease breaking the “conservation of mass” law.  Professor Moore, like any good scientist, was quick to get the facts to fit his theory as opposed to the old fashioned (some would say repressive) method of getting theory to fit facts.  Moore has suggested that the mince pies consumed by Santa keep the overall mass constant.

Moore, ever humble, admits that his team are “not entirely sure” of the results but express a certain level of confidence since they have repeated the experiment “at least twelve times”.  There are plans to repeat the experiment sending the reindeer as a pulse (e.g. Donder and Blitzen) instead of a continuous group allowing for more accurate measurements.

Professor Moore released one final statement, “Whether we prove Santa’s existence today or tomorrow it does not matter, for we are certain that Santa exists: in the smile of every child, the first snowflake of winter and in the heart of every good person.”

Liam

Is getting so much compressed organic material this year.

Someone’s Behind You

The contents of this article may be too scary for some readers. Parental guidance is advised. In fact, no one should read this. You will literally be scared to death. What’s that you say? You like to be scared? You like being unable to sleep at night, afraid that if for just one second you close your eyes, you could be killed, possessed or worse? Well then, faithful Cause and Effect viewer, brace yourself for pure terror and read on…

Reports coming in this Halloween weekend are suggesting that someone is actually standing right behind you, though confirmation is still required on whether it is a person or a spiritual being from the very depths of Hell itself. You just looked and there was no one there? Oh, I must just be hallucinating that unexplained shadow coming over your shoulder then and you must be imagining how cold it suddenly feels.

Your house just turned black and white.
How did you not notice?

Scientists are trying to provide an explanation for the fact that the door downstairs just creaked despite no one else being home but you, but have thus far only come up with a weak “probably the wind” theory. This hypothesis doesn’t explain the sound of shackles, the consistent lightening on a clear night sky, or the constant dialling tone you hear when the phone rings though. Or the dread. Nothing explains the dread. They state that it is far more likely that you angered the spirits of the deceased when you taunted that Gypsy the other night, burnt that Ouija Board and played that nasty game of tarot card solitaire…

Despite repeated sightings of small children in the mirror, yet none being there when you turn around, you apparently still refuse to believe anything paranormal is occurring here. Maybe you’re sitting there right now in your unbelieving state, when you get a sudden shudder down your spine. Your hands suddenly go cold. Your breathing gets faster and faster and faster, and a single bead of sweat slowly drips down your panicked fa-RIGHT THERE! Did you see it? No? Must be my imagination.

Ok, I’ll stop now. This level of terror can rarely be handled by someone, so I shall ceas-PSYCHE! This horrifying ordeal is only about to get worse!  

[Sound of maniacal laughter]

I'm not saying that these guys are behind you but...
They're behind you.

You’ll be lying in bed tonight, and those two red eyes will appear on the other side of your room again. You’ll hide under the covers, close your eyes, pull the pillow over your head, praying that you’ll make it to morning, because you know that if it knows that you know it’s there… You just breathed your last breath. And yet you sneak a peak anyway. Perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps because your rational and logical side simply will not believe that anything could possibly have slithered its way into your humble abode without your keen senses picking it up. Whatever the reason, you look, and the unexplained form still lingers, staring, always staring. You’ll turn on your lamp. Nothing there? Then it’ll already be too late.

Yes, that was a wolf howl just then. Sounded pretty far away though. You should probably be more worried about the bat lurking on your ceiling.

By

The Guy Standing Behind You

Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers

This past week traditional mothers’ sayings are turning out to be true and influencing real life. The discovery was initially made by 8 year old Jason Cracknell, who, despite repeated warnings by his mother, realised that he had square eyes after “sitting in front of that damn screen” for 6 hours straight.

“Mum always told me that I’d get square eyes…How was I supposed to know that it could actually happen?!” Little Jason exclaimed. “Look at me! I’m a freak,” the circus reject with quadrilateral retinas added.

Once Cracknell noticed that his eyes had ceased being their usual oval shape, he reportedly spent several hours watching a circular pot in an attempt to return his visual sensory organs to their former circular glory. While the results of this attempt are unclear at this time, we do know that the water in the pot never boiled.

Caught in Hurricane Irene?

Clearly then, this phenomenon is not restricted to one incident. Children all over the world were caught short when the wind changed, leaving their faces disfigured, abnormal, and downright ugly. Some controversial reports are coming in suggesting that this particular aspect has actually been going on for many years, citing Steven Tyler as evidence. However, when reached for a comment, Tyler stated his face had “always been like that.”

Other critics have questioned the validity of the observations, pointing out that a “significant percent” of them were made in Leeds, Cornwall and Norfolk.

In the USA, police are reporting an increase in shootings being heard across the country. When investigated further, small passerines were being killed to prevent any more secrets being told. Shooters were apparently mostly hormone deficient youths, attempting to “put hairs on their chests”.

Elsewhere, entomologists are reportedly abandoning traditional vinegar fly traps and switching to more contemporary honey variants.

Ryan

Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part I

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect readers. This week, something a little bit different. In recent times, our writers have noticed that a new medium of entertainment, known at this time only as “television”, has swept through the nation, providing people with information about current affairs, entertainment news and Brian Cox's continued plans of universal domination, as well as hard hitting dramas and comical cartoons to name but a few.

Not one to lag behind current trends then, the following is a list of shows that have been put forward for a new channel. This will be an expansion of CERN, our Cause and Effect Radio Network, and will be known as the Cause and Effect Television Innovation, CETI. Let us know what you think.

0700-0800	Pokemon: Gotta Cache ‘em All An in depth look at the unique caching behaviour of Murkrow, who stores Seedot in the ground and in trees for harvest during the winter, when arthropod prey, such as Caterpie, may be scarce.
0800-1000	One crazy family Everybody Loves Pseudomonas It never stops for successful proteobacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa, whose oddball family life as a nosocomial infection consists of a fed up MRSA bacterium, several thousand clones doubling every few hours, and a jealous Clostridium difficile on a neighbouring catheter.
1000-1100	Who Do You Think You Are Well known faces within the Prokaryotic kingdom each embark on individual journeys to answer some questions in regards to their own evolution.
1200-1500	WWF: Roar 4 endangered species, one ring. Natural selection at its finest.
1500-1700	Dragons Den Survival Series: Budding entrepreneurs have 3 minutes to impress the Komodo Dragons before getting slowly devoured.
1700-1900	Jersey Longshore Drift A journey to the crown dependency of Jersey, in which our team look at erosion and The Situation facing the island's beaches.
1900-2100	Kittens got Talent This week the auditions take place in Cramar Cat Rescue & Sanctuary where 200 hopefuls try to impress future owners by drinking milk, playing with balls of string and looking adorable.
2100-2300	Live at the Apollo 13 Comedy – Listening to the recovered Black Box from the ill-fated mission. Adult humour.

Check back soon for more CETI shows.

Conservationist Unveils New Plan to Boost Funds and Interest in Conservation

Conservation is a thankless task.  Those you save are unable to communicate their gratitude, you fight the giants of industry and ignorance and you are completely reliant on donations.  In these times of economic uncertainty it is movements like conservationism that are hit the hardest.

Arthur Turnure, a magazine editor, sets to change this by using his knowledge of the glamour magazine industry to increase the money flowing into conservation.  He was elected Artistic Director of the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) one year ago.  His first plan, “Kiss or Cull” was immediately implemented at the Kaziranga Tiger reserve in India.  The plan involves removing the “least adorable, least cool and least majestic animals” in a population and selectively breeding the most aesthetically pleasing.

When asked for his reasons for implementing this plan, he replied “I’m doing it for future generations of Conservationists...it’ll be easier getting funding for cuter animals.”

Set to Outlive the Dinosaurs

His blog contains a video explaining his inspiration, the simple house cat. “Cats have never been endangered, why?” the video asks, “Because they are adorable. Unlike the engendered Trilobite Beetle which seems to embody death itself.”  He also defends his strategy of killing the least “majestic” tigers. Stating; “What do people want to save? The noble Tiger or the child killing bastard that is the [United Kingdom’s] Cuckoo?  More majesty, more money.”

Turnure has revamped the WWF campaign posters stating “photo-shop and airbrushing works for humans, why not for the rare Black-and-white ruffed Lemur too?”  In the six months since the posters have been released People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have reported a 63% increase in Lemur anorexia and bulimia. PETA also fear that “other animals will try to copy the unnatural images shown in the media”.

 The WWF have given a press release which states “[eating disorders] are infinitely preferable to being shot through the head because people think your paws are magic” and that “birds have been regurgitating food for their offspring for millions of years, and they seem fine.”

Economist Dr Fan Li, China, also highlighted the financial sense behind such a plan, focusing on the amount of money one can charge to “adopt” a single animal in the wild. “As animal numbers decrease the amount you can charge per animal rises exponentially. In this instance less is, in fact, more, much more.”

One of the strongest supporters of the plan is noted conservationist Leonardo DiCaprio who has tweeted “I think this is a genius move, I mean no-one would listen to me about conservation if I looked like Al Gore.”

Liam
All the animals featured in this article are currently endangered. Your move humanity.

Scientists Called In to Help Hunt for Gaddafi

After six months of fighting, the rebel forces finally invaded the Libyan capital of Tripoli. However, there is still unrest in the capital with reports of gunfights on the streets, though many feel  that the pro-Gaddafi forces will lose morale if Gaddafi himself is captured.  Intelligence services remain adamant that he has not left the country, leaving just 679,362 square miles to search.  The British government has turned to the scientific community for help.

Dr George Marsh, an ecologist from the University of Kent, was the first to accept the call.  His plan is known, officially, as “Quantative Understanding And Description of Rarely Apprehended Tyrants” (QUADRAT).  The QUADRAT system works by sampling a small area and then scaling these observations up for the entire country.

Gaddafi's days are numbered

Dr Marsh was granted a substantial amount of funds and has reported that the situation in Libya “sure as hell beats having to write a grant proposal” and he “could do with a few more uprisings...especially in today’s economy”.  Dr Marsh has insisted that the money is not being wasted, stating “we’ve...purchased the first 100 same-sided rectangular sampling structures”.  The sampling structures are deployed by Chinook Helicopters.

QUADRAT was formally tested four days ago, as the rebels were unable to locate Gaddafi.  Dr Marsh performed the first test himself; his Chinook scanned over Libya whilst he dispensed the structures out of the back.  Rebel forces have reported “a white man, dressed in a tweed jacket” who was “standing out the back of a helicopter casually throwing squares over his shoulder.”

Evidence of Gaddafi was not found in the first test.  Marsh identified the problem: “[although] I appeared to be throwing [the samplers] in a completely irrational manner...it was in fact too controlled to avoid bias”.  Marsh will now divide Libya into a large Cartesian co-ordinate grid and generate co-ordinates by completely random radioactive decay.  The sampling structures are then placed at 100 co-ordinates.  MI6 has lauded the plan as one of “simplicity.”

The newly revised system is set to go into action tomorrow morning; one can only imagine the level of hope and anticipation that the Rebel forces will experience when the great minds of the west unveil their master stroke.

Another method, involving the use of transects, has also been implemented by Marsh’s team. This will estimate the amount of torture per unit area, with Marsh hypothesising that this will increase the closer to the Colonel the group gets.

Critics of the plan have questioned the idea of using the Capture-Mark-Recapture method once Gaddafi is found in an attempt to further quantify the population of dictators in Libya.

STOP PRESSES: At the time of printing, we received word that Dr Marsh has been successful.  Of the 100 sampling structures one contained “40% Tyrant (+/- 1%)”, meaning every 1m² of Libya (the size of the sampling squares) is 0.4% evil dictator.

Liam

Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers

Dr Rose Cypris is a psychologist from the University of Rome who, until a month ago, was virtually unknown in the world of Science.  That all changed with the publishing of her paper “Social Interactions Most Successful among Scientists” (Nature, Volume 476).  The paper details the results of an extensive study which documented the carnal relations of thousands of professionals.  The empirical and unbiased data clearly shows that those who partner with scientists report the highest feelings of satisfaction.

The results suggest that prowess is not restricted to a particular field of science and is independent of gender and sexual preference.  Cypris concludes “there is just something about engaging in scientific pursuits that allows for new vistas of sensation to be reached.”  I was able to get an interview with Mrs Cypris.

I arrived at her summer home in Livorno, Tuscany, a modest villa overlooking the playful blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea.  She greets me in a figure hugging black dress with lace sleeves, a lit cigarette held delicately in her left hand.  She offers me a drink, I decline and our dialogue begins.

Mrs Cypris, ready to begin?
Of course, no need to rush. My husband won’t be home for some time. [She pauses to put on some music]

What does it feel like to be the most cited paper of 2011?*
Truly amazing.  It’s just good to know that my humble paper is being so well received.

Modest and intelligent?  Were you surprised at the wide range of papers which cited you?
Well of course, who wouldn’t be?  Scientists from Astronomy, Theoretical physics, Biochemistry, Ecology, Chemistry and of course my own field of Psychology all feel that my conclusions are relevant to their own work.  There’s even some talk from Nature that I’m going to make the front cover of volume 477.

Published twice, in the same journal? Impressive.
Yes.  They said the result was of such importance they couldn’t afford people missing it.

Were you nervous at all during the lengthy peer review process?
When I first sent it off it was just the normal waiting period you get with any article, however I received numerous emails telling me that more and more academics wished to review my article.  I thought at first it was because they couldn’t agree on the validity of the results.  That turned out not to be the case.

[Of the 800 scientist who reviewed the paper all found the work of the “highest order” and the methodology “flawless”]

What would you say to the recent paper published in the British Arts Journal, claiming that it is in fact British Artists are the best lovers?  Even Richard Dawkins has come out and said that there may be a grain of truth to it, citing the well documented prowess of British citizens.
Oh come on, they didn’t even use the scientific method.  What do artists know about things of a sensual nature?

Any advice for any young scientists who may be reading?
Like yourself? [She laughs].  Don’t do science to see if you are already right, but to become right.  The only way to come to any conclusion is through experimentation.  

Experimentation you say? 
Yes, is there a conclusion you’d like to come to?

We have four and a half minutes, should be ample time.

End of Transcript

Liam
The Love Doctor
*Most cited paper, at time of writing

Anger at Lack of Higgs Boson Particle Sparks Riots in England

The discontent at the lack of knowledge about the Higgs Boson particle has finally reached breaking point this week, igniting riots across England.

The so-called “God” particle, originally predicted in 1964, is thought to be responsible for providing the mass of all other particles, but as yet, the amount of direct evidence for the elusive species is minimal. It is currently being researched in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) by smashing protons together.

Recently, some data has hinted at the Higgs Boson particle, but those across the channel are not satisfied.

“So a few blips come up on there data which just happens to be in the same region as the gigaelectronvolt (GeV) value we were expecting for HB, and we’re supposed to jump for joy? I think not,” stated one disgruntled rioter, while whaling on a bystander.

“I could shit more interesting bumps in di-photon invariant mass spectra,” he continued, as he looted a large packet of basmati rice from a supermarket.

The riots appear to be highly co-ordinated, and themed around the LHC. The first signs of a disturbance took place within a 27 kilometre ring, the same size as the collider in Switzerland. Furthermore, rioters have been noted as comparing the subsequent gun fights with proton-proton collisions, though of course noting that bullets don’t travel anywhere near the speed of light. Those involved in the melee have also been heard shouting “take your unification of weak nuclear force and electromagnetic force and shove it”, while throwing petrol bombs into buildings containing unsuspecting arts majors.

Similarly, Father Benjamin Cooper was found this morning, heavily beaten and with several broken bones. He was one of many priests found this way, thought to be due to them providing Mass on Sundays.

In response to the riots, Mayor of London Boris Johnson has vowed that a “full investigation will be launched”, and that, if necessary, he will “find this blasted particle” himself.

On a related note, proponents of evolution have been rallying to have a nice get together to discuss the plethora of evidence for the theory of natural selection.

Ryan

Japan Plant “Unready” For Godzilla Attack

Japan’s crippled Fukushima nuclear plant is not fully prepared for the impending death and destruction of the Godzilla attack likely to be hitting them soon, officials admit.

Tokyo Electric Power (Tepco), which runs the plant, have stated that some of the reactors are uncovered, leading some to fear that the alluring smell of uranium may attract the giant mutant lizard, who is believed to be a fan of radiation.

Godzilla is expected to hit the plant as early as next Tuesday, with some sightings already being reported of the monster emerging from his watery residence in the Pacific Ocean.

Fukushima was heavily damaged by the deadly 11 March quake and tsunami.

Have you seen this reptile?

“We have made utmost efforts, but we have not completed the rebuilding of the plant at this moment in time,” stated a Tepco official. “Currently, our weapons systems would only be able to restrain Gojira for a small amount of time, after which we would be helpless before the rampaging might of the 200 foot reptile.”

“We are particularly vulnerable to fire breath,” continued the visibly distressed plant worker.

Evacuation plans have already been put into action, with those living within a 80km radius being advised to watch for tell-tale ripples in their cups of water signalling the approaching behemoth. Within a 30km radius, residents have been told to be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary, such as overly large footprints, scorched forests and anything with teeth bigger than its face. Those living closer are recommended to have bags packed and alternative living arrangements organised, as well as any automatic assault rifles or 200 foot Mechagodzillas on hand in case of an emergency.

Any unfortunate people living on the expected route that Godzilla will take from Tokyo (Godzilla’s usual haunt) to the plant have been advised to disperse as well, lest they want to be “part of the rubble left in the towering giant’s wake.”

Critics have questioned why it was necessary for the plant officials to build a large neon sign near the plant, with bright lights thought to be a key factor to Godzilla’s usual aggressiveness in Tokyo.

Meanwhile, plant workers have started constructing a giant lantern, in the hopes of attracting Mothra so that it might act as a last-ditch defence mechanism.

Ryan

Possible Alien Message Prompts Division among Earthlings.

First contact.  Yesterday at 3.00AM, the Arecibo Observatory (run by the SETI organisation) in Puerto Rico received the first ever conscious electromagnetic transmission from a non-human source.

Ron Neary was in charge of the satellite at the time.  “I [was] sat at the computer watching it scan the same incredibly narrow stretch of the electromagnetic spectrum (SETI radio antenna receive signals in the microwaves range of the electromagnetic spectrum) and suddenly it came through.”  Ron has published a picture online of the signal he saw, a white piece of paper with the characters “6EQUJ5” circled and the annotation “My God! It’s full of signals.”

Ron continued “I was just so pleased that I would be the one to break the news to humanity – all those years, man hours and money and we got this!” At this point, Ron showed the piece of paper again, waving it frantically. “See, see, don’t you see it was worth it?”

The reaction from humanity has been less than enthusiastic.  The SETI organisation has encountered resistance, such as in the form of Kristopher Coulomb, a Russian Computer Scientist. He believes that this is something we should fear, and not just because it removes the notion that humanity is special. He also warns that making further contact with a “technologically superior race” would be similar to “the effect Europeans had on the Native American population.”

The “Blue and Noble Planet” (BaNP) is a worldwide organisation with worries about Alien visitors.  Nicole Frinfig, a spokesperson, is worried that visitors to our “already full planet” will be detrimental to those “already here, and can trace their humanity back hundreds of generations.”  They have released a leaflet titled “Earth jobs for Earthlings”.  Black, White, The Other Colours, Rich, Poor, Stupid and Ignorant all united by a common hatred.

The third kind of resistance encountered is composed of elderly scientists who have formed the Bohr Society (named for the famous physicist).  Head of the Society, Eugene Murray, sent a letter to science journal Nature. It starts "When I were a lad we had only Carbon based life forms to study using nout but a magnifying glass, not these newfangled fancy aliens.”  He goes on to say "The year was 1947; I was posted to New Mexico...those were the days of aliens. You could buy a newspaper and visit the crash and still get change from a nickel... and we were happy.”

Not all of the responses have been negative; some have proclaimed that these beings from the heavens may indeed save us from ourselves if we do truly ruin this planet.  However, SETI have released a statement: “Although it may be a long time before we encounter aliens it is clear to see that we [SETI] have proved our usefulness”.

Liam
Welcomes our new alien overlords.

Logger Once Again Kills a Species that Could Have Saved Lives

It’s been reported that a selfish Brazilian logger recently destroyed a rare species of plant, found only in the Amazon rainforest, which could have cured generations to come from a fatal illness, had its medicinal properties been fully realised.

Estefan Ferreyra, a worker from Manaus, plying his trade in the Amazon rainforest, callously disregarded the future potential to the human race of any number of plants, animals and fungi last week by doing the job that he is paid to do – that is mercilessly chopping down trees so that his country may export them. The foolish logger seemed to have little idea as to the consequences of his actions.

Yet another animal thrown in the way
of cruel Ferreyra

“[The manager] Señor Gonzales told me to cover a particular area. I did this. I see no problem,” The bumbling buffoon stated, clearly unaware that he may have ploughed straight through the habitat of Epipedobates flavopictus, a rare Poison Dart frog.

“Please, I have a family to feed,” he continued, oblivious to the biodiversity of the planet he may be reducing.

The Amazon Rainforest, situated primarily in Brazil, is thought to be home to largest number of different species on Earth. Not only this, but it also acts as a carbon reservoir – taking in a large amount of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and thereby delaying the effects of global warming. Ferreyra appeared to believe this was unimportant.

“Why are you questioning me?” The logger queried, clearly nervous about what other atrocities could be uncovered that he may have committed. “I don’t speak English.”

The man in charge of the operation, Alfredo Gonzales, was much more co-operative. “I can only apologise if our activities have caused harm or distress to others,” he said, smoking an ivory pipe while sitting on a leopard skin seat.

Tribes in the local area are thought to be angered by the destruction of their home as well, and believe that the spirit of Mother Nature will bring a swift punishment on those who would damage her planet, though they could not be reached for a comment.

Between 1970 and 2010, an area larger than the size of Texas was believed to have been lost by deforestation. Opponents suggest losing Texas instead.

Ryan

Scientists Discover Meaning of Life, Disappointed by Results

What the meaning of life could be is a question that has plagued scientists, theologists and philosophers alike for centuries. A group of researchers, led by Dr. Kyle Watson, at the University of Oxford may have won the race for an answer with a recent study conducted at the university.

“Yeah, look… Um, I don’t really know how to say this…” Watson started, the audience at the press release gripped with anticipation at what he could have discovered. “It’s not good news. Seriously. We’re considering not publishing it. One moment we thought there could be a higher purpose for everyone and everything on the planet, then when that seemed to fall down, at least we could fall back on the natural beauty that has arisen out of the chaos of the universe.”

Your Life

“Well, that turned out not to be true either. Beauty is a mere figment of your imagination. It appears as though somewhere between the beginning of time and the onset of sentience, the universe was grasped by darkness and… Look, the results were bad, ok?”

The crowd then urged him for further details of the study, though he refused to state the findings explicitly. “Needless to say, the world is a hell-hole of pain, cruelty and deprivation, with plenty of death and despair thrown in for good measure.”

“And that’s just Liverpool,” he added.

Asked by a rapidly deteriorating audience if they could have made a mistake, Watson continued: “We’re 99% sure that the best time of your life was before you existed. Sorry. You entered life in a fit of misery, gasping for air, and you’ll leave it in the same way. The filler in the middle is simply crawling across a warzone, trying to find your grave.”

When asked about any follow-up research, he simply stated: “What’s the point? I barely think I’ll last the rest of the week, knowing what I know. I’ll be honest – the only thing keeping me calm at the moment is horse-sized doses of laudanum and lithium cocktails.”

On a related note, the moods of Goths, emos and angsty teenagers around the country appears to have improved, though this is unconfirmed.

Ryan

Japanese Scientists Continue to Revolutionise Whaling Research

Whales are the graceful giants of the seas, they plunge depths unknown to both sunlight and human inquiry.  They are the result of natural selection sculpting and streamlining a land-dwelling mammal, and can reach gargantuan sizes thanks to the support of their oceanic domain.  It is surprising that the awe generated upon seeing one of these magnificent creatures has not inspired generation upon generation of whale watchers.  This, however, is all set to change with the first, of a planned twelve, monthly articles published by the Institute of Cetacean Research (ICR).

The ICR is a Japan based organisation; it took over from the Whale Research Institute (WRI), which was founded in 1947.  The WRI conducted research on whales that were caught as a result of commercial whaling.  This showcased two loves of the whaling community, the desire to help people understand the complex populations dynamics involved when a species is driven to extinction and fine whale meat cooking.  

Ready for analysis

Disaster struck for the WRI when, in 1986, the International Whaling Commission deemed their scientific endeavour to be illegal and a subsequent ban was placed upon Japan.  However, the human spirit is not easily overcome by red-tape and bureaucracy and the ICR rose from the blubbery ashes of the WRI.  The ICR is remarkably self-sufficient: each analysed whale is sold onto private investors.  These investors come from industries as diverse as supermarkets, food packaging and restaurants.

The first paper published details methods in which the whales are collected.  One such technique allows for more accurate sampling of whales.  The device known as the Special Pod Engager And Retriever (SPEAR) is able to “tag” a single whale with a red and silver identification marker allowing for accompanying scientists to help with the sampling.  Multiple SPEARs can be used on a single specimen, with each aiding in its analysis.

Members of the British scientific community have released criticisms over the originality of the research.  Victoria Rising, an ecologist, has stated “this research into population decline of endogenous species is just a re-hashing of what Britain did with wolves centuries ago... our theories were further confirmed with the American study involving Bison.”

Members of the pro-ICR camp suggest that this criticism is “cultural imperialism” masquerading as scientific concern. A reply has accordingly been issued from the ICR, who ask “Who are Britain, or the West, to decide what “good” scientific inquiry is? Besides, Britain had their chance with wolves but they squandered it.  They wiped them out before good scientific practise had been established.”  

Despite the harsh storm of adversaries and criticism, the ICR continues on their noble journey of life-affirming scientific discovery. Although their scientific strides are great and many, there is a sense of humility about the organisation.  The first article begins with a simple declaration:

“If I have seen further it is only because I stand on the corpses of giants.”

Liam

You have 1 Friend Request(s)

The ghost in the machine has invaded the social network.  Two research groups revealed this week they have developed programmes that imitate humans which use computers to communicate with other humans.

The first research group is from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University.  A somewhat eccentric team described as “a team of four...[who] when solving a problem lock themselves in a Room and communicate by sliding Chinese characters under the door” by Jim Searle a Microsoft executive.  They have created a computer programme which imitates a Twitter account. 

The first programme scanned Twitter posts and identified which type of posts occurred most often and emulated them.  Such template posts included “I’m not really sure what to put here” and “I hate you and I hope you fucking die.” Imitation of these posts only generated small followings, “we succeeded in generating tweets... [that were] uninteresting and self important but were useless in attracting followers.”  Reports Li Jifeng (research leader)

The second programme F.R.I (Frequent Re-post Initiative) “re-tweets” particularly popular posts.  Popularity was measured by how many times a message is re-tweeted by other people.  This method has gained 10,000 followers.  Jifeng concluded “people don’t seem to want people; they want people using computers to repeat what other people have put on computers.” 

A second group, based at M.I.T, designed a programme which creates a random Facebook profile, including Name, Age, Hobbies, pretentious quotes and other interesting facts found on a profile.  A school is picked at random and friend requests are sent to Homo sapiens who attended this school. 101010% of humans accepted the request.

The robot also joined groups so that the profile could express its “uniqueness”. Groups such as “That awkward moment when you go against the first Law of Robotics” and “I passed the Turing Test, LOL JK I’m a machine” were joined. The liking of pages such as “I H8 being woken up by my mum when I’m dreaming of electric sheep” was also undertaken.

The M.I.T group is optimistic about the results and indicated a future project “we have some preliminary code for a programme that collects information from various news sources, condenses it to a single document and publishes it online.” 

Fleshy meat bag Liam

Doctors Debate Telling Patients That They Are Complete Morons

In a controversial move in the medical world, experts are considering telling patients, who up until now thought that they were healthy citizens, that they are in fact complete dumbasses who should just save time and mace themselves every time they open their mouths.

For centuries it has been tradition to simply smile and nod at a patient’s ridiculous questions, giving them their medication and sending them on their way, with the belief that they have something in their noggin which resembles intelligence. This move is set to change all of that.

Currently, unnecessary procedures are a
doctor's only source of revenge

“Sometimes it’s a toss up on whether or not I tell a patient that they’re infected with a life-threatening disease, if their inane rambling is really getting to me,” says Jerry Hatcher, a GP in Cardiff.

“I think evolution would thank me,” he added.

The gape-jawed half wits that are frequently seen in your local surgery or A&E have apparently “taken the biscuit” this time, by demonstrating zero understanding of something which anyone who wasn’t a complete lout, dimwit, or altogether empty-headed ignoramus would just assume was common knowledge.

“I had one girl in here earlier that had no comprehension of STIs,” Hatcher continued, pulling his hair out in frustration over the mind-numbing fucktards he has to deal with on a daily basis. “She said she used a condom when she let her partners, which as far as I could tell included every 17-24 year-old within a 4 mile radius, go ‘in the back door’, which she claimed she hadn’t done for a while anyway, so she didn’t see how she could be pregnant.”

“Jesus Christ. I considered giving her a coat hanger and just telling her to go nuts to be perfectly honest.”

“Most doctors agree that the time has come to tell these people to get some semblance of an education. It would help them far more than any drug I could give them, even if it only includes reading a book or watching something other than Jersey Shore or The Only Way Is Essex on TV.”

The nation’s imbeciles have responded by saying that rather than these “pointless changes to the health system”, they would rather that it was just made “more awesome”, such as by handing out prescriptions “with explosions.”

Meanwhile, the country’s nurses are yet to comment on the situation and appear to be carrying on as they have done for years, placing air bubbles into annoying patients’ IV drips.

Ryan

Medical Scientist Finally Discovers Empirical Location for G-spot

The G-spot: a female erogenous zone often cloaked in mystery.  Previous reports have concluded that the fabled spot is not a fixed structure, merely the result of opinion and cultural influence.  This is set to change with the recent findings of Dale Urton from the Saint George’s University in London.

Using revolutionary techniques, Urton, whilst working alone, was able to provide a definite location for the G-spot within the female physique.  Urton has since issued a statement.

“Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I turned up, and a couple of minutes later I was like ‘BAM G-spot!’.” A follow up has been released on the Universities website “Sorted, G-spot found. Smashed it.  Standard.  Pub. Get the banter ready, boys.”  The discovery was received with great jubilation as fellow male colleagues were seen hi-fiving him and remarking “that’s how it’s done.”  His methods, however, have drawn criticism from other members of the scientific community.

Lucas Carr, a chemist, has questioned the originality of the research.  “All I’m saying is, I’ve known about it for years.  You know me, I know my way around.” At this point he invited me to hi-five him.  I declined. 

Mrs Jennifer Urton, a psychologist told us “theory is all well and good, but in pursuits such as this it’s the application that is important.  And in regards to Mr Urton I see no evidence of application.”

Mathematicians have also joined in the hunt for the G-spot, but have thus far been unsuccessful.

Sarah Skene, a Surgeon at Queen Mary’s, has raised concerns over the usefulness of the research and worries that funds are being spent in the wrong areas, “why do we even need a man to tell us this?  All you had to do was ask, but you never ask.” 

Despite these concerns, a follow up study is to be conducted on the grounds of ‘Playa’s gotta play’.

Liam

Spotify Demands Sacrifices to Appease Music Gods

Spotify, the free music streaming programme, has announced plans that, if users wish to continue using their services, current listeners will be required to make sacrifices to the music divinities.

“The service has become incredibly popular. People are listening to more music,” says Daniel Ek, co-founder of the Anglo-Swedish company. “Unfortunately, the powers above don’t like anyone becoming too powerful.”

“Just look at what happened to Kurt Cobain,” he continued, while nervously glancing upwards.

This is the reason, Ek explains, for forcing customers to take part in the ritual killing of a fellow creature, be it a goat, lamb or first born child. The latter will give premium users 6 months of free subscription.

“We are constantly trying to get people to pay but we prefer using carrots rather than sticks," Ek reasons. “At the end of the day, we’ve got our harvests to think of.”

However, the idea has been poorly received by users of the service, though many agreed that Spotify had always appeared “too good to be true” and that they “wouldn’t want to anger the spirits of the deceased”.

One user, Mark Walker from Newcastle, has stated that he is disappointed with the new terms and conditions, explaining that he “left piracy to get away from all the killing,” though he was looking forward to the “thrill of breaking the law,” as well as the “pillage, plunder and rape that goes with the territory.”

Another user, known only as Vilkyrk the heretic slayer, has backed the move, declaring that it would give him "an opportunity to use his Sacred Sword of Dragonfire again.”

Meanwhile, many music labels have backed the move, including the likes of Universal, Warner Music and Sony, who were tired of sacrificing promising young singers to Simon Cowell.

Ryan

Animal Rights Activists Protest Physicists

A recent report by animal rights activists has condemned physicists for observing and killing cats in captivity.

Animal experimentation is a key component of research in Biology, and has undergone various transformations over the decades to make the practice more ethical.  Natalie Rose, from EPR (Ethics, Peace, Responsibility), has recently published concerns on her website that other branches of science are ignoring these ethical guidelines.

“Quantum Physicists”, she writes “are killing our fellow creatures at an alarming rate.”  She claims to have evidence that physicists at universities worldwide are undertaking the practise in which “[cats] are ordered in from Vienna...They arrive in a box...the box is opened and [the cats] are promptly killed by the physicist“.

She went on to say that although they have been unable to “observe the state of the felines during transit from Vienna,” they believe that the cats are “unhealthy and most likely near death.”

When pressed if the organisation had enough information to justify these accusations, Rose replied “we know that wrong is being done, a few little observations aren’t going to change anything.”  She added “...we’re not against all animal research.  We understand its importance in cancer cures, stem cell research, vaccination and of course cosmetics.”

The apparent nobility of her cause was thrown into question when it was revealed that she had recently ended a relationship, on bad terms, with a physicist.  When asked if this was effecting her judgement, these concerns were dismissed. “Whatever small level of entanglement there once was between myself and a member of the physics community, it now belongs in the past. It has not clouded my judgement.”  She concluded by saying “we were just two very different people, as different as wave and particles.  It was bound to collapse at some point.”

Liam

Colour-blind Man Afraid He May Just Be Travelling Too Fast

A colour-blind man has recently publicised concerns about his condition, fearing that he may be moving too fast through space and time, resulting in colours shifting towards the blue end of the visible light spectrum.

Ryan Jason, a photographer from Erdington, Birmingham, came to this conclusion when asking a client to “stand still”, only to be informed by said client that this is impossible, due to the velocity of the individual moving through the cosmos.

“One minute, I’m just standing there, trying to do my job and earn a living, and a minute later I’ve been told that I’m probably travelling at a speed of 2.7 million miles per hour through the universe!” exclaimed a still visibly shaken Jason.

“Relative to cosmic background radiation of course,” he hastily added.

He then went on to question whether others just see him as a blur, like “The Flash from the old DC comics”.

“Or maybe Usain Bolt,” Jason suggested, before striking a ‘To Di World’ pose.

It was this sudden realisation that caused him to question his inability to accurately distinguish between red and green, a problem he has suffered since birth.

“The doctors had always told me that I had some kind of ‘cone deficiency’ – now I’m not so sure. Judging from my current rate of movement, a Doppler Effect should occur, causing compression of space-time, resulting in a shrinking of wavelengths… right?” asked the deuteranopic individual, while throwing red jelly beans in the air, attempting to see some colour change as they travelled back towards him.

Despite reporters pointing out that, other than his clear misunderstanding of what his client meant, the green colours would also shift, making them look bluer in appearance as well, Jason appeared preoccupied, stating that if he “really tried”, he might be able to “travel backwards in time or something”.

Ryan

Evolution or Creationism Debate Resurfaces over Pocket Monster Video Game

Science and religion are often cast as warring factions in the pursuit of truth, the battle grounds ranging from education to the Houses of Parliament.  The latest conflict is coming from the world of video games, with the most recent instalment in the popular Pokémon franchise.

Pokémon Black and White were released on the 4^th of March this year in Europe. Players capture and train Pokémon in a bid to make them stronger.  Once reaching a certain level of strength some of these Pokémon are able to “evolve” into a more powerful form, with an animation to show the instantaneous change of one form to another.  It is not surprising that this inclusion of evolution has enraged segments of the religious community – what is surprising is that prominent scientists, particularly biologists, are raising complaint to its use as well.

Fred Felps, a Baptist minister from Houston, Texas, tweeted on the day of release that “...it is unbelievable that a children’s interactive game would so openly flout the word of the lord.”  Reporters have been in contact with other members of his church and found similar views to be expressed by the congregation. 

“You expect me to believe that Charizard would develop both a flaming tail and wings by dumb luck?  Such a design must be the work of a creator,” stated one elderly woman who wished not to be named. 

A devotee of the church, Will Paley, wrote in a letter to his local paper “if one were to find a Pokédex and investigate its complex inner workings, one would come to the natural conclusion that it had an intelligent designer.  The same can be said when examining the dynamic cellular structure of Ditto, the canons which integrate into the back of a Blastoise, the singing ability of Jigglypuff or any of the other wonders of Kanto.”  

Felps is apparently soon to be lobbying the company responsible for these games, Game Freak, with the aim of “Pokémon: Fundamentalist White” to be released as an alternative explanation for the creation of Pokémon species.  Analysts have predicted that the game will involve a seven day introductory cut scene in which each ‘mon is created and placed in their habitat.

Science would like to fight!

The annoyance from the scientific community stems from the way in which evolution is portrayed in the games.  A prominent lecturer at Imperial College London claims her lectures have been interrupted by students questioning the level required to allow the first fish to crawl out onto land and become amphibians.  

The questions are not just contained to biological sciences though. “Kids these days don’t care about rock strata, they only care about how they can get their hands on thunderstones.” John Burgess, a geologist, informed reporters.

Might we be able to use this plant/animal's power?

The Obama administration’s new initiative into solar power has received a letter suggesting that the study of Bulbasaur may be of use, as these Pokémon store sunlight for evolution.

What do the children think of this?  We asked a group of 5-13 year olds – most had accepted Pokémon evolution as scientific fact.  One pupil did briefly question the fossil record, suggesting that “Kabuto and Omanyte are not enough.”  The final student answered with “Pikachu is the best, zap zap zap...” accompanied with the child pinching his own cheeks.

So, Pokémon evolution: fact or fiction?  Please send us your opinions and we'll return next week posing the questions: ‘Can an infinite number of Mankeys produce the works of Shakespeare?’ and ‘Cloning, what did we learn from Mewtwo?’

Liam