Scientists Discover Meaning of Life, Disappointed by Results

What the meaning of life could be is a question that has plagued scientists, theologists and philosophers alike for centuries. A group of researchers, led by Dr. Kyle Watson, at the University of Oxford may have won the race for an answer with a recent study conducted at the university.

“Yeah, look… Um, I don’t really know how to say this…” Watson started, the audience at the press release gripped with anticipation at what he could have discovered. “It’s not good news. Seriously. We’re considering not publishing it. One moment we thought there could be a higher purpose for everyone and everything on the planet, then when that seemed to fall down, at least we could fall back on the natural beauty that has arisen out of the chaos of the universe.”

Your Life

“Well, that turned out not to be true either. Beauty is a mere figment of your imagination. It appears as though somewhere between the beginning of time and the onset of sentience, the universe was grasped by darkness and… Look, the results were bad, ok?”

The crowd then urged him for further details of the study, though he refused to state the findings explicitly. “Needless to say, the world is a hell-hole of pain, cruelty and deprivation, with plenty of death and despair thrown in for good measure.”

“And that’s just Liverpool,” he added.

Asked by a rapidly deteriorating audience if they could have made a mistake, Watson continued: “We’re 99% sure that the best time of your life was before you existed. Sorry. You entered life in a fit of misery, gasping for air, and you’ll leave it in the same way. The filler in the middle is simply crawling across a warzone, trying to find your grave.”

When asked about any follow-up research, he simply stated: “What’s the point? I barely think I’ll last the rest of the week, knowing what I know. I’ll be honest – the only thing keeping me calm at the moment is horse-sized doses of laudanum and lithium cocktails.”

On a related note, the moods of Goths, emos and angsty teenagers around the country appears to have improved, though this is unconfirmed.

Ryan