Science in 2012 – A Review

“As a layman, I would now say, ‘I think we have it.’ Do you agree?”

These were the words of Rolf-Dieter Heuer, director-general of the particle physics laboratory CERN in Switzerland, on July 4^th 2012, and officially announced the discovery of the long-sought Higgs Boson particle. But while evidence for the existence of the ‘God particle’ may have been the breakthrough of the year (if not the decade), there have been plenty of science stories grabbing headlines, both for innovation and controversy. Read on for a reminder of the stories you saw, and a few that may have slipped past you as well.

Physical Sciences

The discovery of the Higgs Boson particle has not been easy – it took months of gathering data from over 500 trillion particle collisions at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN. The staggering amount of data collected finally allowed the researchers to confidently claim that the new boson they had found, with a mass of 125 gigaelectronvolts, was indeed the elusive Higgs Boson, as predicted by theorist Peter Higgs almost 50 years ago. The existence of this particle is crucial to the Standard Model of physics – although somewhat unfortunately no other particles have yet been discovered. Baby steps, I suppose.

Sometimes, though, the understanding of our world, solar system and universe just cannot be achieved with a particle accelerator; sometimes you need a hovering sky crane gently lowering a rover in the middle of a crater. Only NASA could have achieved a feat such as this, and in August the first low-resolution images from the Curiosity rover were received from Mars. While no signs of life have yet been confirmed, soil samples analysed by Curiosity reveal a surprisingly close composition to that of Hawaii. Further afield, more and more exoplanets are being discovered, with the closest one yet a mere 4.4 light years away orbiting Alpha Centauri, while another exoplanet 40 light years away is believed to be made entirely of diamond.

Despite these successes, NASA’s monetary support from the US government continues to dwindle, even resulting in NASA holding a cake sale to highlight this. Their lack of funds may pave the way for more commercial enterprises – this year saw SpaceX’s Dragon spacecraft rendezvous with the International Space Station, and of course Red Bull made Felix Baumgartner’s ascent (and rather more rapid descent) to the stratosphere possible.

Life Sciences

CERN was not the only organisation to acquire large amounts of data this year – the Encyclopedia of DNA Elements (ENCODE) project collected 15 terabytes of data over 5 years in order to characterise all of the ‘functional’ parts of the human genome. They predict that at least 20% of the genome is involved in regulating gene expression – with genes for proteins themselves making up just 1% of the total DNA. Another ambitious project was the start of mapping the wiring of the mouse brain, a project which complements the Human Connectome project also currently underway. With mouse models being common throughout neuroscience, understanding the similarities and differences between human and mouse brains will be invaluable in elucidating the mechanisms behind conditions such as Alzheimer’s disease and schizophrenia. In medical science, stem cells continue to show their potential in treatment with the (controversial) discovery of stem cells in women’s ovaries which are capable of producing new eggs; this alongside the creation of egg cells from stem cells in mice by Japanese scientists in October. A powerful new painkilling substance with fewer side effects than morphine has potentially been found in a truly unexpected place – the venom of the Black Mamba snake. It appears to work by a different mechanism to conventional painkillers, although in its current form (being transmitted along with incredibly potent neurotoxins when bitten by one of the deadliest snakes in Africa), it probably isn’t quite ready for mass release.

The death of Lonesome George, the last known individual of the Pinta Island tortoise subspecies and symbol of the Galapagos Island conservation effort, occurred in June. But as extinction occurs, so too does the discovery of new species, with two of the world’s smallest vertebrates being found this year – Paedophryne amanuensis, a frog of just 7mm from Papua New Guinea, and Brookesia micra, a dwarf chameleon from Madagascar (juvenile pictured).
 

And, of course, no life sciences review would be complete without mentioning at least one GM story. University of Wyoming scientists genetically engineered silkworms to produce large amounts of spidersilk, which has higher tensile strength than that of steel. Future applications may include sutures and body armour.

Out of the Lab

While this year may have seen some major scientific advances, controversy has never been far behind. A paper describing mutations to an H5N1 avian flu strain so that it was able to infect ferrets by air was initially only allowed to be published if certain details were left out. Only 5 mutations were required, and the US National Science Advisory Board for Biosecurity (NSABB) was concerned that the information could be dangerous in terrorist hands. Eventually, the paper was published some months later.

At the same time, there has been a huge push for more transparency and open access to peer reviewed work. A key spark in this explosion was the boycott of Elsevier, Dutch publishing giants who critics claim charge too much for their papers, and are opposed to open access. While the campaign may have seen scientists stepping up to be heard, another story this year may cause the reverse – in October, 7 men were convicted of manslaughter for providing falsely reassuring statements before a major earthquake hit the area around L’Aquila, resulting in over 300 deaths.

So there you have it – 2012, a year dominated by Olympic sport, has come to an end, and with it a year of discoveries, inventions and exploration. If there is one concept and, in the case of 2012, one headline-grabbing event, to sum up some of the biggest breakthroughs of the year, and to sum up science in general, it must surely be: Curiosity. Here’s looking forward to 2013.

Ryan

Sound Barrier Damaged Beyond Repair as Thrill-Seeker Goes Supersonic

In what is believed to be the first case of its kind, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner has been charged with extravehicular speeding after jumping from the edge of space, sources confirmed on Sunday.

Baumgartner's new Facebook profile picture, with an
estimated 3 likes.

Extravehicular speeding, or, speeding without the use of a motorised vehicle, is an offence previously reserved for comic books, Jamaican sprinters, and Lance Armstrong going downhill at peak “fitness”. Therefore, it was believed that the judge would be lenient with his sentencing, given the obscure nature of the crime. However, the thrill-seeking skydiver, who was unlucky to be caught by an orbiting meteorological satellite, was able to deal some considerable damage on the joyride, breaking the sound barrier which he claims he “didn’t even see” as he smashed through it at 834 mph, or Mach 1.24.

In a strange echo of a previous highest dive, achieved by Chelsea striker Adrian Mutu in 2004, the case took a turn for the worse for Baumgartner when a blood test revealed dangerous amounts of stimulants in his body at the time of the jump, primarily caffeine. When reached for a comment, Baumgartner claimed “I was under the impression it would give me wings.”

Clearly he did not realise that the limited atmosphere at his height would render wings useless.

Although falling from a height of 128,100 feet, 39,400 metres, 24.2 miles, or “a bit further than Paula Radcliff can generally run” may seem impressive, many have questioned the skill actually required.

NASA, currently believed to be at the forefront of balloon technology, are apparently delighted with the result of sending a man into space and actually returning. However, sources close to the balloon itself suggest it is not happy with the lack of limelight it is receiving: “Any idiot can fall. I’d like to have seen him get up there without me.”

Diver and British sportsman Tom Daley has criticised Baumgartner as well. “While the sheer height and number of flips were impressive, he wouldn’t have got many points for technique or water entrance.”

“Although admittedly there was no splash,” added the bronze medallist.

Members of the public have also stated their lack of awe at the stunt. “I once dived off the high board at Riverside,” said one American, speaking of his local pool. “And I didn’t even need all that safety equipment.” Upon seeing the fall, some seemingly uni-ocular members of the public asked “Is it a bird? Is it a plane?”, evidently having no clear sense of depth perception.

Meanwhile, Rangers FC are apparently annoyed that their recent freefall record was broken so soon, having fallen four tiers in the Scottish Football League in the summer of 2012.

Ryan

Apple Reveal Secret behind Siri

Not since the wheel has one invention so indisputably changed the fate of humanity – a single spark which has illuminated irreversibly the human experience.  Ever since man first looked at his hand he has thought “How I wish my phone could talk to me”.

It was August the 9^th 2011, a day that will live forever, when Apple released Siri and changed everything, again, for the third time.

Apple were secretive of their latest innovation until recently registering a patent revealing the techniques used by Apple.  The technology behind Siri has all the trademarks of an Apple leap forward, both simple and genius.  Each iPhone contains the soul of a Chinese worker who used to work at the Foxconn factories responsible for the manufacture of iPads and iPhones – it is this soul that does the amazing job of Siri.

The Chinese workers, often known for their
wit, manage to retain a sense of humour
and personality despite imprisonment.

The patent reveals how each worker “gives up [their] body” allowing their souls to become incorporated into the one button device.

The patent reveals the condition’s for the average worker entombed inside an iPhone;  “cramped, dark and hot” the workers also experience “small electric shocks” every time an iPhone owner contacts Siri.  Employee feedback has been positive with workers reporting an “improvement” form their previous jobs in the factory, with Foxconn also reporting employees “throwing themselves” at the project.

Overall employee health has improved since being confined behind the Apple logo.  Reports of stress and “suicidal protests” have also reduced.  Employees have been able to rest more as even the most dedicated iPhone users eventually stop playing Angry Birds and “do something else.”

The strategy is being lauded as an excellent use of “resource management” and “removal of pesky human rights issues” by business experts.

The revelation has not been welcomed by all members of the international community.  Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has highlighted concern that this is another example of “more jobs being lost overseas” and that it “should be American souls which are trapped behind that liquid glass prison”.

Apple also announced at a press conference that the release of Siri’s inner workers are just the start of some larger developments set to be implemented in the future.  Timothy D. Cook, the current CEO of Apple, has suggested that the technology may be used to bring Steve Jobs back so that he may serve as CEO for eternity, so that his infinite wisdom concerning pricing strategies and imaging may be heard for generations to come.  When asked if such comments were “too soon” about the recently deceased Mr. Jobbs, Cook replied “It is never too soon for a new Apple product”

Liam
Is a PC

Sent from Cause and Effect for iPhone

Scientists Admit Climate Change is a Hoax

Professor John Delingpole of the University of East Anglia, the Univeristy at the centre of the infamous Climategate, has finally admitted that man-made climate change is one massive hoax orchestrated by the entire global scientific community and that “rising sea levels, global temperature rising, warming oceans, shrinking ice sheets, declining Arctic sea ice, the retreat of glaciers, increase in the number of record temperatures and ocean acidification” which were all previous explained logically as a consequence of human activity increasing CO2 production are in fact “probably something else”.

Delginpole admits that although Mr John Havisham of Blackpool has no formal training in environmental or climate science, his theory that the weather “doesn’t seem that different to me” is completely accurate. He also confesses that Havisham’s sample size, “everyone [he] knows”, is perfectly adequate to describe phenomena with planetary consequences.

NASA is already shutting down its Climate Change research division, explaining that the “1000s of man and woman hours, and millions of dollars” spent designing computer models which accurately represent past, present and future weather patterns were “complete bollocks”.

In a press announcement, Delingpole has explained that he finally broke the silence concerning the climate conspiracy after “tiring” of being a “puppet to the industrial giants of climate neutralisation”. He has also spoken of regret of his actions, repenting how they “unfairly” tarnished the reputation of the philanthropic oil industry.

He also admitted that one of the major factors was the perfectly written piece by Clarkson J et al appearing in respected journal “The Sun”, which correctly asserted that “…as a society, we can continue to keep producing CO2 at high levels with no negative effects...BMW...Porsche...Power”.

Commentators on the Daily Mail forums have been showing unprecedented levels of smugness after Delingpole’s revelation, as it strengthens their world view that climate change was merely a plot by “liberal/progressive/socialists revolutionaries keen to meddle with British traditions”, as articulated by the user LastBrition9 on the Daily Mail website.

Al Gore, Mr Inconvenient himself, has posted on his own website the following statement, “The conclusions of thousands of peer reviewed articles and hundreds of academic societies, including the American Association of Petroleum Geologists, which all agree that (at the very least) mankind should be reducing its usage of fossil fuels and production of CO2 are complete rubbish”. It concludes that “the Earth does have infinite resources and we should act accordingly, and even if climate change were true (which it is categorically not) that would be no reason to develop alternate forms of energy, which would be financially wasteful and reckless.”

The American Army are particular excited by the news since it means that “wars for oil” can continue for all eternity.

Liam

Full of Hot Air

Police to use DNA Fingerprinting to Distinguish “Essex Lion” from Cast of TOWIE

Police in Essex are investigating apparent sightings of a lion (Panthera leo) near Clacton-on-Sea. However, they have urged the public to remain calm, as one reported sighting has already been confirmed as a simple house cat (Felis domesticus), while others could be members of popular reality TV show The Only Way Is Essex (believed to be Homo sapiens).

Aiding the investigation is the use of modern genetics – the police have stated that usual methods of identification are of little use when comparing two animals so similar in features. Anthony Tropeano, zoological director of Colchester Zoo who has been helping with the search, states that “tan skin and long, blonde hair or fur are common to both groups, while the usual indicator of Homo sapiens – bipedalism – is of little use as members of the TOWIE subspecies can often be seen on all fours.”

Holidaymaker Bob Martin was one of the first to see it up close, but can offer little insight into its identity. “It seemed to be licking itself at first, excreting wherever it wanted, and then urinated on my wife. I think I saw that episode last week though.”

The normal cast of TOWIE

St. Osyth resident Che Kevlin was certain a lion was outside of his house when he heard a loud roar while playing backgammon with his wife. While he believes this is proof enough, Kevlin has confessed he has never seen an episode of TOWIE, and critics have pointed out it could simply have been a chunder dragon.

Of course, some taxonomic features may be of some use in preliminary identification. For example, a lion would be unlikely to wear leopard print fur.

Genetic sequencing will require that the creature is captured first though. When questioned on whether tranquilizers will be used, police stated that they would “consider their use only if the public insisted on taking photos of the animal using Instagram. That should then enable [them] to focus on trapping it.”

In order to locate the trail, experts from Colchester Zoo have been called in to search for key signs of passage, such as faeces, paw prints, and the remains of human corpses. Once located, the current plan of action involves planting a giant MGM logo as bait, a well-established trap for escaped lions. After it has been safely sedated, the beast will have its genome sequenced, followed by a comparison with the sequence of a known TOWIE cast member.

“That should enable us to determine whether this thing is a human, house cat, lion, or a snow leopard wearing fake tan and hear extensions,” said Tropeano.

This plan is still in its preliminary stages though, so police are telling the public to err on the side of caution, such as when walking dogs, and they have urged young men on nights out not to mistake it for the regular cougars of Essex.

Critics have voiced concerns, stating that lions and the cast of TOWIE are significantly different – indeed, the cast of TOWIE are often prey for the maned cats, often reporting them as tasting “slimy... yet satisfying.”

As the search still goes on, new information regarding the creature’s whereabouts have come to light, as it was last seen entering a wardrobe at the Ecuadorian embassy seeking asylum.

Ryan

Researchers Reluctant to Work with Unnervingly “Human” Model Organisms

A number of PhD students and post-doctoral fellows in the Pitcher laboratory at the University of Bath, UK, have recently expressed ethical and moral concerns over working with model organisms that appear to have “taken their model role a step too far”.

“We recently genetically modified some mice in the lab, inserting some putative depression genes into their genomes. We were surprised by the results,” says PhD student Mike Last. “Not only did the mice perform as expected in the learned helplessness tests and responded to a variety of anti-depressants such as SSRIs, they showed strikingly human characteristics too – refusing to leave their beds for long periods of time, randomly breaking down into uncontrollable and inconsolable sobbing, and being so emotionally needy that they end up pushing away anyone who ever had a sliver of sympathy for their plight, leaving them to wallow in their own impenetrable thoughts and neuroses for days on end.”

“I swear I keep seeing their gaze fall on the various bottles on toxic chemicals and reagents we have in the lab,” Last continued. “Do mice have the dexterity to unscrew caps?”

This phenomenon has not been limited to this lab though, as other groups at the university have noted similar findings. Observations of seemingly autistic mice refuse to make eye contact with researchers, while some obsessive compulsive rats will only enter a maze by stepping in left foot first and simultaneously exhaling as their right foot plants. While a conservative gene was located just last month in humans, it is rare for a gene to lead to such overt behaviour.

Other monkeys have actually been observed stealing drinks
and wallets in order to fuel their addiction.

Apes have also been observed displaying surprisingly human characteristics – using cards to communicate with researchers in Bristol, an ape model of alcoholism has assured researchers that he can stop “anytime he wants”. Some observations have even suggested that he has tried to hide his condition from fellow apes and the researchers, believed to be due to the stigma associated with such a condition. However, Lesley Appleby, the principle investigator on addiction at the University of Bristol assured us that “At a recent Apes Anonymous meeting, he was able to admit that he had a problem. This shows great progress.”

These breakthroughs have raised new questions about the ethics of using animals as models for research. When Alexander Brannigan, a researcher in animal cognition at the University of Portsmouth, was asked whether animal model testing should continue, he replied “I’m in two minds, much like our octopus here. He has developed a second personality which appears to be racist towards other octopuses. Not only is this ethically troubling, it has also made his reactions towards mimic octopuses particularly difficult to understand.”


Ryan

Conservative Gene Highly Conserved Among Conservatives

 This past month has been deemed the worst month of the Con-Dem Government.  The majority of unpopular decisions rest with the Conservative party, and the overwhelming public opinion that Tories are living up faithfully to the “Toff” moniker so many of their political opponents were quick to label them.

The question that now faces the Tory government is: Can they shake this image and reinvent themselves to appeal to the public once again?  Scientists at the Wellcome Trust for Human Genetics say no.

William Whig’s research team has taken genetic samples from 85% of the currently serving Conservative MPs and compared them to 50 “non-Tory” individuals.  The results were astounding; all of the Tory genomes contained a gene which, in the “non-Tory” samples, was only found to be a pseudogene.  This gene has been named ETON (Endemic Tory Origin Nucleotides).

The 100% distribution of the ETON gene has been linked to high levels of inbreeding within the Tory population and the desire to “associate with one’s own”. The lack of a functional ETON protein in non-Tories is hypothesised to be due to strong selective pressures against displaying Toff-like behaviours in certain populations or regions, such as Liverpool.

The gene has been linked to a surprising number of behaviours seen in the Tory population, suggesting genetic determinism for their activities.  During evolutionary history, one important consideration is the way individuals of a populations manage resources such as food and large sums of money.  It is thought to explain the desire for Tories to exchange their “honours” for “cash” in a symbiotic relationship with species known as Donors.

Tories are known to migrate to off shore locations to protect their offspring, behaviour also linked to the ETON gene.  The migration has an additional benefit by allowing Tories to avoid the pressures of the British environment, such as tax and calls for increased transparency in Government.

Feeding habits are also believed to be linked to this ETON gene, and Tories’ taste buds have just not evolved to enjoy the “honest working class treat” that is the warm British Pasty reports Whig.

Tories haven taken this research to heart and have already started to produce new campaign posters for future re-elections, the prototype poster contains the phrase “Tory! Born a Toff, Always a Toff. Get over it!” 

Ed Milliband has been quick to label such claims of genetic explanations “insubstantial” and stands firmly convinced that being a Toff is a “life choice.”  Critics of Mr Milliband have pointed out that those most vocally opposed to Conservatives often carry “Toff-tendencies” and exhibit similar behaviours in terms of resource management.

The Whig group has not passed comment on the large donations they recently received from an unknown individual who had “some money left over from paying [their taxes].”

David Cameron ended last Wednesday Prime Minister’s Questions with a succinct defence of his life style, “we’re here, we’re rich and you best bloody well get used to it”. 

Liam

Water Never Forgets… To Kill!

In a case of "text book homoeopathy" Sam Hahn, of the British Homoeopathy Association, has discovered a novel way in which the Influenza virus can be transmitted.  Explaining the recent fatal flu epidemic in Northern Germany.

Scientists could find absolutely nothing in
these samples, giving them reason to be worried.

Homoeopaths, as early as 1796, showed that water retains an essential property of a substance when said substance is diluted to the level of (or below) one atom per universe.  This dilute solution is then shaken releasing a healing force which improves the body’s Vital Spirit. 

Hahn has realised that the Virus could have easily undergone the “dilution and shaking required to reach 0 parts per trillion, turning water into a killing machine” once entering the water supply.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) have recruited other scientists to help with the current infection. Prof. W.E Bulter has reported that those suffering from flu experience a change in Aura.  He is to set up an onsite laboratory for “Systematic Correlation Aura Measurement” which for a small fee identifies infected Auras.  The procedure has to be conducted “one person at a time, in an isolated room and [Butler] cannot tell you how [he] does it you just have to trust [him]”.

The WHO has also warned that individuals with “significantly short life lines on their palms” should avoid travelling to Germany.  The WHO also advises the public to read their own palms but stress “no medical action should be taken before consulting a professional [palm reader]”and warn against panic buying of Quartz crystals and that sufferers should stick to “scientifically proven medical treatment”.

Astrologers are promising that those born under Taurus “will experience an innate immunity to dilute Influenza Virus.  Also Venus’ position in the sky will make successful relationship endeavours more likely”.

Several celebrities has given interviews in which they reveal they were not taking LSD but that a tiny amount must have entered the water supply and been diluted.  A smaller number have reported being able to see Auras and are to be flown into the danger areas as make-shift prognosis providers.

Environmentalists were quick to exploit the recent victory for homeopathic science by pointing out that the large amounts of chemicals, carcinogens and waste pumped into the oceans could start to negatively affect humans in a similar way.  Hahn has pointed out that such sensationalism is unfounded and that “the concentrations in the ocean are much too high to effect humans in such a way, and the damage is restricted to fish and other aquatic animals.”

Conservationists have taken a leaf out of the homeopathic textbook, assuming that the principle of extreme dilution applies to ocean-dwelling animals. They suggest that the most powerful and viable species are now those closest to extinction. New conservation plans include the reintroduction of whaling and copious numbers of oil spillages.

Hahn is hopeful that his proof of homeopathic infection will result in increased homeopathic teaching in schools.  He concldues “for too long children’s minds have been filled with ‘alternative’ science drivel like Hisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and Cell Theory”.

Liam

Born Under A Wanderin’ Star