Scientists Called In to Help Hunt for Gaddafi

After six months of fighting, the rebel forces finally invaded the Libyan capital of Tripoli. However, there is still unrest in the capital with reports of gunfights on the streets, though many feel  that the pro-Gaddafi forces will lose morale if Gaddafi himself is captured.  Intelligence services remain adamant that he has not left the country, leaving just 679,362 square miles to search.  The British government has turned to the scientific community for help.

Dr George Marsh, an ecologist from the University of Kent, was the first to accept the call.  His plan is known, officially, as “Quantative Understanding And Description of Rarely Apprehended Tyrants” (QUADRAT).  The QUADRAT system works by sampling a small area and then scaling these observations up for the entire country.

Gaddafi's days are numbered

Dr Marsh was granted a substantial amount of funds and has reported that the situation in Libya “sure as hell beats having to write a grant proposal” and he “could do with a few more uprisings...especially in today’s economy”.  Dr Marsh has insisted that the money is not being wasted, stating “we’ve...purchased the first 100 same-sided rectangular sampling structures”.  The sampling structures are deployed by Chinook Helicopters.

QUADRAT was formally tested four days ago, as the rebels were unable to locate Gaddafi.  Dr Marsh performed the first test himself; his Chinook scanned over Libya whilst he dispensed the structures out of the back.  Rebel forces have reported “a white man, dressed in a tweed jacket” who was “standing out the back of a helicopter casually throwing squares over his shoulder.”

Evidence of Gaddafi was not found in the first test.  Marsh identified the problem: “[although] I appeared to be throwing [the samplers] in a completely irrational manner...it was in fact too controlled to avoid bias”.  Marsh will now divide Libya into a large Cartesian co-ordinate grid and generate co-ordinates by completely random radioactive decay.  The sampling structures are then placed at 100 co-ordinates.  MI6 has lauded the plan as one of “simplicity.”

The newly revised system is set to go into action tomorrow morning; one can only imagine the level of hope and anticipation that the Rebel forces will experience when the great minds of the west unveil their master stroke.

Another method, involving the use of transects, has also been implemented by Marsh’s team. This will estimate the amount of torture per unit area, with Marsh hypothesising that this will increase the closer to the Colonel the group gets.

Critics of the plan have questioned the idea of using the Capture-Mark-Recapture method once Gaddafi is found in an attempt to further quantify the population of dictators in Libya.

STOP PRESSES: At the time of printing, we received word that Dr Marsh has been successful.  Of the 100 sampling structures one contained “40% Tyrant (+/- 1%)”, meaning every 1m² of Libya (the size of the sampling squares) is 0.4% evil dictator.

Liam

Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers

Dr Rose Cypris is a psychologist from the University of Rome who, until a month ago, was virtually unknown in the world of Science.  That all changed with the publishing of her paper “Social Interactions Most Successful among Scientists” (Nature, Volume 476).  The paper details the results of an extensive study which documented the carnal relations of thousands of professionals.  The empirical and unbiased data clearly shows that those who partner with scientists report the highest feelings of satisfaction.

The results suggest that prowess is not restricted to a particular field of science and is independent of gender and sexual preference.  Cypris concludes “there is just something about engaging in scientific pursuits that allows for new vistas of sensation to be reached.”  I was able to get an interview with Mrs Cypris.

I arrived at her summer home in Livorno, Tuscany, a modest villa overlooking the playful blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea.  She greets me in a figure hugging black dress with lace sleeves, a lit cigarette held delicately in her left hand.  She offers me a drink, I decline and our dialogue begins.

Mrs Cypris, ready to begin?
Of course, no need to rush. My husband won’t be home for some time. [She pauses to put on some music]

What does it feel like to be the most cited paper of 2011?*
Truly amazing.  It’s just good to know that my humble paper is being so well received.

Modest and intelligent?  Were you surprised at the wide range of papers which cited you?
Well of course, who wouldn’t be?  Scientists from Astronomy, Theoretical physics, Biochemistry, Ecology, Chemistry and of course my own field of Psychology all feel that my conclusions are relevant to their own work.  There’s even some talk from Nature that I’m going to make the front cover of volume 477.

Published twice, in the same journal? Impressive.
Yes.  They said the result was of such importance they couldn’t afford people missing it.

Were you nervous at all during the lengthy peer review process?
When I first sent it off it was just the normal waiting period you get with any article, however I received numerous emails telling me that more and more academics wished to review my article.  I thought at first it was because they couldn’t agree on the validity of the results.  That turned out not to be the case.

[Of the 800 scientist who reviewed the paper all found the work of the “highest order” and the methodology “flawless”]

What would you say to the recent paper published in the British Arts Journal, claiming that it is in fact British Artists are the best lovers?  Even Richard Dawkins has come out and said that there may be a grain of truth to it, citing the well documented prowess of British citizens.
Oh come on, they didn’t even use the scientific method.  What do artists know about things of a sensual nature?

Any advice for any young scientists who may be reading?
Like yourself? [She laughs].  Don’t do science to see if you are already right, but to become right.  The only way to come to any conclusion is through experimentation.  

Experimentation you say? 
Yes, is there a conclusion you’d like to come to?

We have four and a half minutes, should be ample time.

End of Transcript

Liam
The Love Doctor
*Most cited paper, at time of writing

Anger at Lack of Higgs Boson Particle Sparks Riots in England

The discontent at the lack of knowledge about the Higgs Boson particle has finally reached breaking point this week, igniting riots across England.

The so-called “God” particle, originally predicted in 1964, is thought to be responsible for providing the mass of all other particles, but as yet, the amount of direct evidence for the elusive species is minimal. It is currently being researched in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) by smashing protons together.

Recently, some data has hinted at the Higgs Boson particle, but those across the channel are not satisfied.

“So a few blips come up on there data which just happens to be in the same region as the gigaelectronvolt (GeV) value we were expecting for HB, and we’re supposed to jump for joy? I think not,” stated one disgruntled rioter, while whaling on a bystander.

“I could shit more interesting bumps in di-photon invariant mass spectra,” he continued, as he looted a large packet of basmati rice from a supermarket.

The riots appear to be highly co-ordinated, and themed around the LHC. The first signs of a disturbance took place within a 27 kilometre ring, the same size as the collider in Switzerland. Furthermore, rioters have been noted as comparing the subsequent gun fights with proton-proton collisions, though of course noting that bullets don’t travel anywhere near the speed of light. Those involved in the melee have also been heard shouting “take your unification of weak nuclear force and electromagnetic force and shove it”, while throwing petrol bombs into buildings containing unsuspecting arts majors.

Similarly, Father Benjamin Cooper was found this morning, heavily beaten and with several broken bones. He was one of many priests found this way, thought to be due to them providing Mass on Sundays.

In response to the riots, Mayor of London Boris Johnson has vowed that a “full investigation will be launched”, and that, if necessary, he will “find this blasted particle” himself.

On a related note, proponents of evolution have been rallying to have a nice get together to discuss the plethora of evidence for the theory of natural selection.

Ryan