Spotify Demands Sacrifices to Appease Music Gods

Spotify, the free music streaming programme, has announced plans that, if users wish to continue using their services, current listeners will be required to make sacrifices to the music divinities.

“The service has become incredibly popular. People are listening to more music,” says Daniel Ek, co-founder of the Anglo-Swedish company. “Unfortunately, the powers above don’t like anyone becoming too powerful.”

“Just look at what happened to Kurt Cobain,” he continued, while nervously glancing upwards.

This is the reason, Ek explains, for forcing customers to take part in the ritual killing of a fellow creature, be it a goat, lamb or first born child. The latter will give premium users 6 months of free subscription.

“We are constantly trying to get people to pay but we prefer using carrots rather than sticks," Ek reasons. “At the end of the day, we’ve got our harvests to think of.”

However, the idea has been poorly received by users of the service, though many agreed that Spotify had always appeared “too good to be true” and that they “wouldn’t want to anger the spirits of the deceased”.

One user, Mark Walker from Newcastle, has stated that he is disappointed with the new terms and conditions, explaining that he “left piracy to get away from all the killing,” though he was looking forward to the “thrill of breaking the law,” as well as the “pillage, plunder and rape that goes with the territory.”

Another user, known only as Vilkyrk the heretic slayer, has backed the move, declaring that it would give him "an opportunity to use his Sacred Sword of Dragonfire again.”

Meanwhile, many music labels have backed the move, including the likes of Universal, Warner Music and Sony, who were tired of sacrificing promising young singers to Simon Cowell.

Ryan

Animal Rights Activists Protest Physicists

A recent report by animal rights activists has condemned physicists for observing and killing cats in captivity.

Animal experimentation is a key component of research in Biology, and has undergone various transformations over the decades to make the practice more ethical.  Natalie Rose, from EPR (Ethics, Peace, Responsibility), has recently published concerns on her website that other branches of science are ignoring these ethical guidelines.

“Quantum Physicists”, she writes “are killing our fellow creatures at an alarming rate.”  She claims to have evidence that physicists at universities worldwide are undertaking the practise in which “[cats] are ordered in from Vienna...They arrive in a box...the box is opened and [the cats] are promptly killed by the physicist“.

She went on to say that although they have been unable to “observe the state of the felines during transit from Vienna,” they believe that the cats are “unhealthy and most likely near death.”

When pressed if the organisation had enough information to justify these accusations, Rose replied “we know that wrong is being done, a few little observations aren’t going to change anything.”  She added “...we’re not against all animal research.  We understand its importance in cancer cures, stem cell research, vaccination and of course cosmetics.”

The apparent nobility of her cause was thrown into question when it was revealed that she had recently ended a relationship, on bad terms, with a physicist.  When asked if this was effecting her judgement, these concerns were dismissed. “Whatever small level of entanglement there once was between myself and a member of the physics community, it now belongs in the past. It has not clouded my judgement.”  She concluded by saying “we were just two very different people, as different as wave and particles.  It was bound to collapse at some point.”

Liam

Colour-blind Man Afraid He May Just Be Travelling Too Fast

A colour-blind man has recently publicised concerns about his condition, fearing that he may be moving too fast through space and time, resulting in colours shifting towards the blue end of the visible light spectrum.

Ryan Jason, a photographer from Erdington, Birmingham, came to this conclusion when asking a client to “stand still”, only to be informed by said client that this is impossible, due to the velocity of the individual moving through the cosmos.

“One minute, I’m just standing there, trying to do my job and earn a living, and a minute later I’ve been told that I’m probably travelling at a speed of 2.7 million miles per hour through the universe!” exclaimed a still visibly shaken Jason.

“Relative to cosmic background radiation of course,” he hastily added.

He then went on to question whether others just see him as a blur, like “The Flash from the old DC comics”.

“Or maybe Usain Bolt,” Jason suggested, before striking a ‘To Di World’ pose.

It was this sudden realisation that caused him to question his inability to accurately distinguish between red and green, a problem he has suffered since birth.

“The doctors had always told me that I had some kind of ‘cone deficiency’ – now I’m not so sure. Judging from my current rate of movement, a Doppler Effect should occur, causing compression of space-time, resulting in a shrinking of wavelengths… right?” asked the deuteranopic individual, while throwing red jelly beans in the air, attempting to see some colour change as they travelled back towards him.

Despite reporters pointing out that, other than his clear misunderstanding of what his client meant, the green colours would also shift, making them look bluer in appearance as well, Jason appeared preoccupied, stating that if he “really tried”, he might be able to “travel backwards in time or something”.

Ryan

Evolution or Creationism Debate Resurfaces over Pocket Monster Video Game

Science and religion are often cast as warring factions in the pursuit of truth, the battle grounds ranging from education to the Houses of Parliament.  The latest conflict is coming from the world of video games, with the most recent instalment in the popular Pokémon franchise.

Pokémon Black and White were released on the 4^th of March this year in Europe. Players capture and train Pokémon in a bid to make them stronger.  Once reaching a certain level of strength some of these Pokémon are able to “evolve” into a more powerful form, with an animation to show the instantaneous change of one form to another.  It is not surprising that this inclusion of evolution has enraged segments of the religious community – what is surprising is that prominent scientists, particularly biologists, are raising complaint to its use as well.

Fred Felps, a Baptist minister from Houston, Texas, tweeted on the day of release that “...it is unbelievable that a children’s interactive game would so openly flout the word of the lord.”  Reporters have been in contact with other members of his church and found similar views to be expressed by the congregation. 

“You expect me to believe that Charizard would develop both a flaming tail and wings by dumb luck?  Such a design must be the work of a creator,” stated one elderly woman who wished not to be named. 

A devotee of the church, Will Paley, wrote in a letter to his local paper “if one were to find a Pokédex and investigate its complex inner workings, one would come to the natural conclusion that it had an intelligent designer.  The same can be said when examining the dynamic cellular structure of Ditto, the canons which integrate into the back of a Blastoise, the singing ability of Jigglypuff or any of the other wonders of Kanto.”  

Felps is apparently soon to be lobbying the company responsible for these games, Game Freak, with the aim of “Pokémon: Fundamentalist White” to be released as an alternative explanation for the creation of Pokémon species.  Analysts have predicted that the game will involve a seven day introductory cut scene in which each ‘mon is created and placed in their habitat.

Science would like to fight!

The annoyance from the scientific community stems from the way in which evolution is portrayed in the games.  A prominent lecturer at Imperial College London claims her lectures have been interrupted by students questioning the level required to allow the first fish to crawl out onto land and become amphibians.  

The questions are not just contained to biological sciences though. “Kids these days don’t care about rock strata, they only care about how they can get their hands on thunderstones.” John Burgess, a geologist, informed reporters.

Might we be able to use this plant/animal's power?

The Obama administration’s new initiative into solar power has received a letter suggesting that the study of Bulbasaur may be of use, as these Pokémon store sunlight for evolution.

What do the children think of this?  We asked a group of 5-13 year olds – most had accepted Pokémon evolution as scientific fact.  One pupil did briefly question the fossil record, suggesting that “Kabuto and Omanyte are not enough.”  The final student answered with “Pikachu is the best, zap zap zap...” accompanied with the child pinching his own cheeks.

So, Pokémon evolution: fact or fiction?  Please send us your opinions and we'll return next week posing the questions: ‘Can an infinite number of Mankeys produce the works of Shakespeare?’ and ‘Cloning, what did we learn from Mewtwo?’

Liam

Statisticians Unsure Whether Teaching Students about Correlation Enhances Understanding of Correlation

Mathematicians across the country have revealed that they cannot be certain that, despite statistics to the contrary, teaching their pupils about correlation and scatter plots is actually improving the teenagers’ grasp of these relatively simple concepts.

“With correlation, it’s impossible to infer cause and effect,” Geoffrey Singer, a maths teacher in north Essex, told reporters. “I mean, sure, we tell them about stats, and their stats grades appear to improve, but who’s to say that’s down to us?”

“I just don’t know what to do,” an exasperated Singer stated.

Since the infamous 2005 “pirates prevent global warming” spoof baffled thousands in Britain and North America, government officials have demanded that a greater emphasis be placed on statistics in the classroom. Teachers everywhere are uncertain about the policy’s effectiveness though.

“Well, the graphs show that calls for more stats increased at around the same time that the teaching focus shifted, but stats can be twisted to show almost anything,” explained Singer, looking forlorn as he leafed through an old S1 A-level text book.

“74% of people know that,” he continued.

Since this report, the government has promised a full investigation, saying that they are “excited to get to use these advanced calculators”, which they haven’t done since school, but they “hope that there are no histograms involved” as they always found those “tricky”.

Meanwhile, sources say that Singer was left staring at a bell-shaped curve, questioning whether any of us really have the right to say “what is normal”.

Ryan