Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a
platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by
revealing their most recent scientific endeavour. Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And
Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather
control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone
had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.
While previous weather
control attempts have sought to regulate the atmospheric conditions through
more conventional means such as cloud seeding, the control of homosexuals leads
to indirect weather control by manipulating the power of God, a well-known and
vocal homophobe. Extinguishing a particular population for the good of one
country has of course been tried before though: Germany is the most recent example,
also using an Olympic games to demonstrate their success. Germany had the aim
of improving their sense of humour and the results speak for themselves –
something Russia is now trying to emulate.
“Russia has nothing but
ice,” Russian president Vladimir Putin explained, while standing on the head of
a child. “We need good weather to fulfil our goal of being a popular tourist
destination, like the south of France, Florida or Brighton. Except not
Brighton; too many gays.”
 |
| Russia in 50 years. Minus the gays. |
“For too long we have
had awful weather. I think it started with that t.A.T.u song; if you watch the
music video, it’s raining there too,” said the ex-KGB member, who in his spare
time enjoys hunting, fishing, ignoring the west and paying off international
authorities.
Asked how he expected to
regulate the homosexual population, he elaborated: “It is easy. Once you have
lured them in, such as with a rainbow, it is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Except in Russia there are no fish. And no barrel. Just ice.”
The Sochi 2014 Olympic
Organizing Committee has begun investigations into some of the athletes already
regarding alleged homosexual activity. “Naturally, all male figure skaters have
already been removed from competition,” states Alexander Zhukov, chair of the
Committee.
“We’re also looking into
Team GB’s Lizzy Yarnold. We expect that she has some skeletons in her closet.”
Currently, only UKIP in
the UK have caught on to Russia’s plan with Councillor David Silvester recently
blaming the UK’s winter flooding on gays, while Ellen DeGeneres going on
holiday to New York is believed to be the cause of the US’s recent polar
vortex.
There has been a rapid
response from the international community, both in favour and against Russia’s
plans.
Silvio Berlusconi has
immediately backed Russia, stating he was devastated he had not thought of the
plan himself. “First you control the gays, then you control the weather, then
you get the women,” said the former Italian Prime Minister, draped in 3
prostitutes and elaborate tax evasion plans.
Scarlett Johansson,
fresh from a visit to a SodaStream factory in the West Bank, is hoping to use the
new scientific findings to re-establish her role as an Oxfam ambassador. At present, she is drawing up plans to parachute
in a “considerable” amount of homosexuals into sub-Saharan Africa in a bid to
end the arid conditions there.
However, some critics
have pointed out that decimating the homosexuals will surely exacerbate climate
change, to which Russian authorities replied that was “the entire idea”.
Objections have arisen from within the country too, where protesters contained
within the designated protest zone in Chernobyl have given Putin’s plan “3
thumbs down”.
While Russia appears
content to let campaigners protest, Putin himself is well known for his harsh
stance on dissent, with numerous conspiracy theories suggesting that he has
been involved in the assassination of anyone who speaks out against hi--------
This editor regrets to inform Cause and
Effect readers that Ryan, writer of this article, has been found dead in his
house, due to suspected polonium-210 poisoning. The above form of this article
was found on his laptop. We offer our greatest condolences to anyone who knew him.
His widow Liam survives him.
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