In the latest damaging
development to tarnish the previously spotless reputation of international
cycling, French rider Cyril Gautier fell from his bike in exhaustion earlier
today during stage 19 of the Tour de France, and it was later revealed that, in
alignment with the current wave of transhumanism sweeping the world of cycling,
he had attempted to replace all of the blood in his body with a cocktail of
performance-enhancing drugs.
The promising young Team
Europcar rider, competing in his fourth Tour de France, had apparently ignored
all medical warnings relating to the dangers of replacing a vital system with
synthetic compounds including a lack of energy, breathlessness, infection and
death, leaving many to wonder how he could even stand.
Witnesses report seeing
him graze his knee when he fell, resulting in local fauna now capable of
benching 80kg.
This is not the first
controversy the Tour has seen this year. During stage 7, Dane Jakob Fuglsang
was found to have illegally replaced his reproductive system with a jet
propulsion booster, who defended himself claiming that “at least [my] drugs test
was clean”. Further, in stage 13, it was discovered that Australian Michael
Rogers was actually an octopus (Octopus
vulgaris) riding a tandem. When reached for a comment, Team Saxo-Tinkoff
manager Philippe Mauduit claimed he was unaware of the rule breach, although he
had noticed that “Michael seemed to be taking on an unusually large amount of
water and eating crabs with his mouth, which in retrospect is clearly a beak”.
These incidents of
course all follow in the wake of two major controversies in recent years. The
first involved Lance Armstrong in 2005, who could be seen at the front of the
pack hastily trading his yellow jersey and one remaining testicle for a red
blood cell top-up. Armstrong was well-known for never leaving the house without
a clean sample of urine, although famously denied using drugs up until 2013,
having previously only admitted to pedalling.
 |
| Doping has spread to other species too: in the Claw de France, many say the Fiddler crab isn't even trying to hide its steroid use anymore. |
He further defended
himself claiming: “I’ve conquered both France and cancer now. Both required
copious amounts of drugs, and yet I only get congratulated for one. I call
double standards.”
The second of these
incidents relates to Bradley Wiggins, who, following accusations by opposing
riders that his hair was actually a peregrine falcon he was using to distract
them with, had to pull out of this year’s Tour. “I can see where the
allegations stem from,” said Hugh Porter, former world champion and cycling
commentator. “No one has hair that bad.”
When reached for a
comment, Wiggins’ spokesman claimed “Yes, definitely spokes,” while pointing to
a wheel.
Fortunately this year,
no Brits have currently become embroiled in these sagas, although Team Sky
rider Peter Kennaugh was caught in a sticky situation when he was found with
three substances banned in France: soap,
shampoo, and deodorant. Brit Chris Froome has also managed to avoid any
punishment after his urine test came back positive only for the Pill, raising
more questions than answers.
USA contender Jack Bauer has also
been cleared of any wrong doing with regards to his drugs test, although during
this year’s Tour he has lost his daughter and wife, prevented a nuclear war and
killed several innocent civilians. However, progress is slow-going with each
stage taking him 24 hours to complete (18 if you remove ad breaks).
In other sporting controversy,
Australia’s dismal display during the 2nd Ashes test leads many to
suspect that England captain Alastair Cook may have spiked the tea-break
crumpets.
Ryan
What’s 2
balls minus 1? International shame brought upon your sport
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