With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”
Pandas, as
has been scientifically shown, are the single most important endangered species
alive. However, a spokesman from the WWF
has suggested that, according to a recent survey, the British public is losing
patience with the “black and white bastards” at their refusal to breed “even
just a little bit”. The reduction in public support for their activities,
bordering on anger, gives the homophobe a sense of connection with the panda
not available to others conservationists.
 |
| Refusing to have sex and eating a single nutrient-poor plant. Evolution clearly forgot about the pandas. |
Five
homophobe academics at San Diego Zoo (home of one female and three male pandas)
have recently published a paper entitled “Copulation Orientation Choices Kill
Species” in the journal “Natural”. The
paper proposes that the reason behind the failure of panda reproduction is
black and white – captivity is “unnatural” and leads to an increase in male
pandas “choosing” to be homosexual.
The group’s
leader, Dr. Richard Irons, has issued a statement: “Much like humans at the age
of 16, pandas must decide whether to be heterosexual or lead a life of
sin”. The group’s website features a
game in which children take on the role of adolescent pandas and choose which
genitals they wish to spend the rest of their lives chasing.
The group
have suggested two solutions.
The first
is the creation of the world’s first “Panda Straight Camp” in which all male
pandas in America are to be taken to a remote location with only “a single sex
for company and emotional support” which should push them towards “panda vagina…any
day now”. The second, requiring more
effort, has the team “praying out the gay” with God expecting to reverse
hardwired sexual circuitry “at some point... probably”.
The
group also highlights additional areas of panda life that will improve. A recent study found that panda divorce has
increased in recent years (Panda Marital Research, Divorce Issue, Volume
1). Dr. Irons‘ research has suggested
that it is homosexual panda relationships that cause heterosexual relationships
to fall apart “somehow”. By preventing
“committed homosexual relationships” the group hopes that the divorce rate will
plummet, families will stay together, and “adolescent pandas will stop dying
themselves yellow in rebellion” (a current fad known as wasping).
There has
been some criticism from those afraid of change. Those in opposition to the
plans proposed from Dr. Iron’s group have, presumably after a celebratory
homosexual orgy following DOMA’s demise, suggested that “Homosexuality is not a
choice” and that even if it were it “doesn’t matter” and that they “do look
good in these jeans”, while also highlighting that internment of pandas in
camps may cause stress to the animals.
The research group were quick to alleviate any fears that they were
causing any harm; “we love the Sino-bear but hate the Sin.”
At present
the group has yet to show any successful results in either panda population or
public perception. When asked what their
future plans were if their current research fails, Dr. Iron
replied: “Hermaphroditic snails?” with a shrug.
Liam
What’s black and white and red all
over? This article.
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