Japanese Scientists Continue to Revolutionise Whaling Research

Whales are the graceful giants of the seas, they plunge depths unknown to both sunlight and human inquiry.  They are the result of natural selection sculpting and streamlining a land-dwelling mammal, and can reach gargantuan sizes thanks to the support of their oceanic domain.  It is surprising that the awe generated upon seeing one of these magnificent creatures has not inspired generation upon generation of whale watchers.  This, however, is all set to change with the first, of a planned twelve, monthly articles published by the Institute of Cetacean Research (ICR).

The ICR is a Japan based organisation; it took over from the Whale Research Institute (WRI), which was founded in 1947.  The WRI conducted research on whales that were caught as a result of commercial whaling.  This showcased two loves of the whaling community, the desire to help people understand the complex populations dynamics involved when a species is driven to extinction and fine whale meat cooking.  

Ready for analysis

Disaster struck for the WRI when, in 1986, the International Whaling Commission deemed their scientific endeavour to be illegal and a subsequent ban was placed upon Japan.  However, the human spirit is not easily overcome by red-tape and bureaucracy and the ICR rose from the blubbery ashes of the WRI.  The ICR is remarkably self-sufficient: each analysed whale is sold onto private investors.  These investors come from industries as diverse as supermarkets, food packaging and restaurants.

The first paper published details methods in which the whales are collected.  One such technique allows for more accurate sampling of whales.  The device known as the Special Pod Engager And Retriever (SPEAR) is able to “tag” a single whale with a red and silver identification marker allowing for accompanying scientists to help with the sampling.  Multiple SPEARs can be used on a single specimen, with each aiding in its analysis.

Members of the British scientific community have released criticisms over the originality of the research.  Victoria Rising, an ecologist, has stated “this research into population decline of endogenous species is just a re-hashing of what Britain did with wolves centuries ago... our theories were further confirmed with the American study involving Bison.”

Members of the pro-ICR camp suggest that this criticism is “cultural imperialism” masquerading as scientific concern. A reply has accordingly been issued from the ICR, who ask “Who are Britain, or the West, to decide what “good” scientific inquiry is? Besides, Britain had their chance with wolves but they squandered it.  They wiped them out before good scientific practise had been established.”  

Despite the harsh storm of adversaries and criticism, the ICR continues on their noble journey of life-affirming scientific discovery. Although their scientific strides are great and many, there is a sense of humility about the organisation.  The first article begins with a simple declaration:

“If I have seen further it is only because I stand on the corpses of giants.”

Liam

You have 1 Friend Request(s)

The ghost in the machine has invaded the social network.  Two research groups revealed this week they have developed programmes that imitate humans which use computers to communicate with other humans.

The first research group is from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University.  A somewhat eccentric team described as “a team of four...[who] when solving a problem lock themselves in a Room and communicate by sliding Chinese characters under the door” by Jim Searle a Microsoft executive.  They have created a computer programme which imitates a Twitter account. 

The first programme scanned Twitter posts and identified which type of posts occurred most often and emulated them.  Such template posts included “I’m not really sure what to put here” and “I hate you and I hope you fucking die.” Imitation of these posts only generated small followings, “we succeeded in generating tweets... [that were] uninteresting and self important but were useless in attracting followers.”  Reports Li Jifeng (research leader)

The second programme F.R.I (Frequent Re-post Initiative) “re-tweets” particularly popular posts.  Popularity was measured by how many times a message is re-tweeted by other people.  This method has gained 10,000 followers.  Jifeng concluded “people don’t seem to want people; they want people using computers to repeat what other people have put on computers.” 

A second group, based at M.I.T, designed a programme which creates a random Facebook profile, including Name, Age, Hobbies, pretentious quotes and other interesting facts found on a profile.  A school is picked at random and friend requests are sent to Homo sapiens who attended this school. 101010% of humans accepted the request.

The robot also joined groups so that the profile could express its “uniqueness”. Groups such as “That awkward moment when you go against the first Law of Robotics” and “I passed the Turing Test, LOL JK I’m a machine” were joined. The liking of pages such as “I H8 being woken up by my mum when I’m dreaming of electric sheep” was also undertaken.

The M.I.T group is optimistic about the results and indicated a future project “we have some preliminary code for a programme that collects information from various news sources, condenses it to a single document and publishes it online.” 

Fleshy meat bag Liam

Doctors Debate Telling Patients That They Are Complete Morons

In a controversial move in the medical world, experts are considering telling patients, who up until now thought that they were healthy citizens, that they are in fact complete dumbasses who should just save time and mace themselves every time they open their mouths.

For centuries it has been tradition to simply smile and nod at a patient’s ridiculous questions, giving them their medication and sending them on their way, with the belief that they have something in their noggin which resembles intelligence. This move is set to change all of that.

Currently, unnecessary procedures are a
doctor's only source of revenge

“Sometimes it’s a toss up on whether or not I tell a patient that they’re infected with a life-threatening disease, if their inane rambling is really getting to me,” says Jerry Hatcher, a GP in Cardiff.

“I think evolution would thank me,” he added.

The gape-jawed half wits that are frequently seen in your local surgery or A&E have apparently “taken the biscuit” this time, by demonstrating zero understanding of something which anyone who wasn’t a complete lout, dimwit, or altogether empty-headed ignoramus would just assume was common knowledge.

“I had one girl in here earlier that had no comprehension of STIs,” Hatcher continued, pulling his hair out in frustration over the mind-numbing fucktards he has to deal with on a daily basis. “She said she used a condom when she let her partners, which as far as I could tell included every 17-24 year-old within a 4 mile radius, go ‘in the back door’, which she claimed she hadn’t done for a while anyway, so she didn’t see how she could be pregnant.”

“Jesus Christ. I considered giving her a coat hanger and just telling her to go nuts to be perfectly honest.”

“Most doctors agree that the time has come to tell these people to get some semblance of an education. It would help them far more than any drug I could give them, even if it only includes reading a book or watching something other than Jersey Shore or The Only Way Is Essex on TV.”

The nation’s imbeciles have responded by saying that rather than these “pointless changes to the health system”, they would rather that it was just made “more awesome”, such as by handing out prescriptions “with explosions.”

Meanwhile, the country’s nurses are yet to comment on the situation and appear to be carrying on as they have done for years, placing air bubbles into annoying patients’ IV drips.

Ryan

Medical Scientist Finally Discovers Empirical Location for G-spot

The G-spot: a female erogenous zone often cloaked in mystery.  Previous reports have concluded that the fabled spot is not a fixed structure, merely the result of opinion and cultural influence.  This is set to change with the recent findings of Dale Urton from the Saint George’s University in London.

Using revolutionary techniques, Urton, whilst working alone, was able to provide a definite location for the G-spot within the female physique.  Urton has since issued a statement.

“Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I turned up, and a couple of minutes later I was like ‘BAM G-spot!’.” A follow up has been released on the Universities website “Sorted, G-spot found. Smashed it.  Standard.  Pub. Get the banter ready, boys.”  The discovery was received with great jubilation as fellow male colleagues were seen hi-fiving him and remarking “that’s how it’s done.”  His methods, however, have drawn criticism from other members of the scientific community.

Lucas Carr, a chemist, has questioned the originality of the research.  “All I’m saying is, I’ve known about it for years.  You know me, I know my way around.” At this point he invited me to hi-five him.  I declined. 

Mrs Jennifer Urton, a psychologist told us “theory is all well and good, but in pursuits such as this it’s the application that is important.  And in regards to Mr Urton I see no evidence of application.”

Mathematicians have also joined in the hunt for the G-spot, but have thus far been unsuccessful.

Sarah Skene, a Surgeon at Queen Mary’s, has raised concerns over the usefulness of the research and worries that funds are being spent in the wrong areas, “why do we even need a man to tell us this?  All you had to do was ask, but you never ask.” 

Despite these concerns, a follow up study is to be conducted on the grounds of ‘Playa’s gotta play’.

Liam