Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part I

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect readers. This week, something a little bit different. In recent times, our writers have noticed that a new medium of entertainment, known at this time only as “television”, has swept through the nation, providing people with information about current affairs, entertainment news and Brian Cox's continued plans of universal domination, as well as hard hitting dramas and comical cartoons to name but a few.

Not one to lag behind current trends then, the following is a list of shows that have been put forward for a new channel. This will be an expansion of CERN, our Cause and Effect Radio Network, and will be known as the Cause and Effect Television Innovation, CETI. Let us know what you think.

0700-0800	Pokemon: Gotta Cache ‘em All An in depth look at the unique caching behaviour of Murkrow, who stores Seedot in the ground and in trees for harvest during the winter, when arthropod prey, such as Caterpie, may be scarce.
0800-1000	One crazy family Everybody Loves Pseudomonas It never stops for successful proteobacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa, whose oddball family life as a nosocomial infection consists of a fed up MRSA bacterium, several thousand clones doubling every few hours, and a jealous Clostridium difficile on a neighbouring catheter.
1000-1100	Who Do You Think You Are Well known faces within the Prokaryotic kingdom each embark on individual journeys to answer some questions in regards to their own evolution.
1200-1500	WWF: Roar 4 endangered species, one ring. Natural selection at its finest.
1500-1700	Dragons Den Survival Series: Budding entrepreneurs have 3 minutes to impress the Komodo Dragons before getting slowly devoured.
1700-1900	Jersey Longshore Drift A journey to the crown dependency of Jersey, in which our team look at erosion and The Situation facing the island's beaches.
1900-2100	Kittens got Talent This week the auditions take place in Cramar Cat Rescue & Sanctuary where 200 hopefuls try to impress future owners by drinking milk, playing with balls of string and looking adorable.
2100-2300	Live at the Apollo 13 Comedy – Listening to the recovered Black Box from the ill-fated mission. Adult humour.

Check back soon for more CETI shows.

Conservationist Unveils New Plan to Boost Funds and Interest in Conservation

Conservation is a thankless task.  Those you save are unable to communicate their gratitude, you fight the giants of industry and ignorance and you are completely reliant on donations.  In these times of economic uncertainty it is movements like conservationism that are hit the hardest.

Arthur Turnure, a magazine editor, sets to change this by using his knowledge of the glamour magazine industry to increase the money flowing into conservation.  He was elected Artistic Director of the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) one year ago.  His first plan, “Kiss or Cull” was immediately implemented at the Kaziranga Tiger reserve in India.  The plan involves removing the “least adorable, least cool and least majestic animals” in a population and selectively breeding the most aesthetically pleasing.

When asked for his reasons for implementing this plan, he replied “I’m doing it for future generations of Conservationists...it’ll be easier getting funding for cuter animals.”

Set to Outlive the Dinosaurs

His blog contains a video explaining his inspiration, the simple house cat. “Cats have never been endangered, why?” the video asks, “Because they are adorable. Unlike the engendered Trilobite Beetle which seems to embody death itself.”  He also defends his strategy of killing the least “majestic” tigers. Stating; “What do people want to save? The noble Tiger or the child killing bastard that is the [United Kingdom’s] Cuckoo?  More majesty, more money.”

Turnure has revamped the WWF campaign posters stating “photo-shop and airbrushing works for humans, why not for the rare Black-and-white ruffed Lemur too?”  In the six months since the posters have been released People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have reported a 63% increase in Lemur anorexia and bulimia. PETA also fear that “other animals will try to copy the unnatural images shown in the media”.

 The WWF have given a press release which states “[eating disorders] are infinitely preferable to being shot through the head because people think your paws are magic” and that “birds have been regurgitating food for their offspring for millions of years, and they seem fine.”

Economist Dr Fan Li, China, also highlighted the financial sense behind such a plan, focusing on the amount of money one can charge to “adopt” a single animal in the wild. “As animal numbers decrease the amount you can charge per animal rises exponentially. In this instance less is, in fact, more, much more.”

One of the strongest supporters of the plan is noted conservationist Leonardo DiCaprio who has tweeted “I think this is a genius move, I mean no-one would listen to me about conservation if I looked like Al Gore.”

Liam
All the animals featured in this article are currently endangered. Your move humanity.