Wednesday 28 March 2012

Water Never Forgets… To Kill!

In a case of "text book homoeopathy" Sam Hahn, of the British Homoeopathy Association, has discovered a novel way in which the Influenza virus can be transmitted.  Explaining the recent fatal flu epidemic in Northern Germany.

Scientists could find absolutely nothing in
these samples, giving them reason to be worried.
Homoeopaths, as early as 1796, showed that water retains an essential property of a substance when said substance is diluted to the level of (or below) one atom per universe.  This dilute solution is then shaken releasing a healing force which improves the body’s Vital Spirit. 

Hahn has realised that the Virus could have easily undergone the “dilution and shaking required to reach 0 parts per trillion, turning water into a killing machine” once entering the water supply.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) have recruited other scientists to help with the current infection. Prof. W.E Bulter has reported that those suffering from flu experience a change in Aura.  He is to set up an onsite laboratory for “Systematic Correlation Aura Measurement” which for a small fee identifies infected Auras.  The procedure has to be conducted “one person at a time, in an isolated room and [Butler] cannot tell you how [he] does it you just have to trust [him]”.

The WHO has also warned that individuals with “significantly short life lines on their palms” should avoid travelling to Germany.  The WHO also advises the public to read their own palms but stress “no medical action should be taken before consulting a professional [palm reader]”and warn against panic buying of Quartz crystals and that sufferers should stick to “scientifically proven medical treatment”.

Astrologers are promising that those born under Taurus “will experience an innate immunity to dilute Influenza Virus.  Also Venus’ position in the sky will make successful relationship endeavours more likely”.

Several celebrities has given interviews in which they reveal they were not taking LSD but that a tiny amount must have entered the water supply and been diluted.  A smaller number have reported being able to see Auras and are to be flown into the danger areas as make-shift prognosis providers.

Environmentalists were quick to exploit the recent victory for homeopathic science by pointing out that the large amounts of chemicals, carcinogens and waste pumped into the oceans could start to negatively affect humans in a similar way.  Hahn has pointed out that such sensationalism is unfounded and that “the concentrations in the ocean are much too high to effect humans in such a way, and the damage is restricted to fish and other aquatic animals.”

Conservationists have taken a leaf out of the homeopathic textbook, assuming that the principle of extreme dilution applies to ocean-dwelling animals. They suggest that the most powerful and viable species are now those closest to extinction. New conservation plans include the reintroduction of whaling and copious numbers of oil spillages.

Hahn is hopeful that his proof of homeopathic infection will result in increased homeopathic teaching in schools.  He concldues “for too long children’s minds have been filled with ‘alternative’ science drivel like Hisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and Cell Theory”.

Liam
Born Under A Wanderin’ Star

Tuesday 6 March 2012

Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part II


Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect reader. Following the recent success of our broadcasting schedule for the new medium of Television, Cause and Effect Television Innovation (CETI) has returned for more high quality viewing. See below for the full list of programmes.

0700-0900
The Animaliacs
Ensemble cast of organisms from the animal kingdom in a variety of zany roles. Narrated by Sir David Atom-borough.

0900-1100
SmallVilli
Sci-fi sitcom in which an intestinal cell discovers it has superpowers.

1100-1300
Sinefeld
The show famously about nothing returns! Sine180 stars as himself, a trigonometric function, discussing various quirky situations that we can all relate to, (especially those of us who frequently act as ratios of two sides of a triangle containing the angle!). Frequently going off on tangents, his eccentric circle of friends contribute to the fun.

1300-1500
Seal or No Seal
The seals love it, you will too!
Contestants are invited to choose cages containing a number of seals to save or sell. Will you be able to cut a deal with the authorities, or will you end up with a conservational nightmare on your hands?

1500-1600
My Big fat Gypsy Moth Wedding
A wedding you can smell from 7 miles away.

1600-1800
Game of Stones
Abrasive and erosive intrigue are pervasive. In this song of fire and ice, the three dominant geological groups (Sedimentary, Metamorphic and Igneous) fight to withstand the freeze-thaw weathering that is coming. When you play the Game of Stones, you are neither living or dying.

1800-1900
A Question of Spores
Fungal-based quiz show where our team captains pit their myceliums against each other in a clash of the chitin. Who will come out as top toadstool this week?

1900-2000
The XXY Factor
This week our Klinefelter hopefuls attempt to impress the judges by demonstrating the extent of their hypogonadism. Not one to miss.

2000-2100
Have I Got Cues For You
Our panel of stars classically condition a member of the public to be terrified of everyday objects, with hilarious results!

2100-2300
Sherlock and Key
New detective series. A reclusive enzyme tries to unravel the mystery of seemingly disconnected denaturing events happening throughout the body.

2300-0300
RedHot
Live feed of the sun. Warning: As with other RedHot shows, may cause blindness after extended periods of watching.