Sunday 21 October 2012

Sound Barrier Damaged Beyond Repair as Thrill-Seeker Goes Supersonic


In what is believed to be the first case of its kind, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner has been charged with extravehicular speeding after jumping from the edge of space, sources confirmed on Sunday.

Baumgartner's new Facebook profile picture, with an
estimated 3 likes.
Extravehicular speeding, or, speeding without the use of a motorised vehicle, is an offence previously reserved for comic books, Jamaican sprinters, and Lance Armstrong going downhill at peak “fitness”. Therefore, it was believed that the judge would be lenient with his sentencing, given the obscure nature of the crime. However, the thrill-seeking skydiver, who was unlucky to be caught by an orbiting meteorological satellite, was able to deal some considerable damage on the joyride, breaking the sound barrier which he claims he “didn’t even see” as he smashed through it at 834 mph, or Mach 1.24.

In a strange echo of a previous highest dive, achieved by Chelsea striker Adrian Mutu in 2004, the case took a turn for the worse for Baumgartner when a blood test revealed dangerous amounts of stimulants in his body at the time of the jump, primarily caffeine. When reached for a comment, Baumgartner claimed “I was under the impression it would give me wings.”

Clearly he did not realise that the limited atmosphere at his height would render wings useless.

Although falling from a height of 128,100 feet, 39,400 metres, 24.2 miles, or “a bit further than Paula Radcliff can generally run” may seem impressive, many have questioned the skill actually required.

NASA, currently believed to be at the forefront of balloon technology, are apparently delighted with the result of sending a man into space and actually returning. However, sources close to the balloon itself suggest it is not happy with the lack of limelight it is receiving: “Any idiot can fall. I’d like to have seen him get up there without me.”

Diver and British sportsman Tom Daley has criticised Baumgartner as well. “While the sheer height and number of flips were impressive, he wouldn’t have got many points for technique or water entrance.”

“Although admittedly there was no splash,” added the bronze medallist.

Members of the public have also stated their lack of awe at the stunt. “I once dived off the high board at Riverside,” said one American, speaking of his local pool. “And I didn’t even need all that safety equipment.” Upon seeing the fall, some seemingly uni-ocular members of the public asked “Is it a bird? Is it a plane?”, evidently having no clear sense of depth perception.

Meanwhile, Rangers FC are apparently annoyed that their recent freefall record was broken so soon, having fallen four tiers in the Scottish Football League in the summer of 2012.

Ryan

Monday 15 October 2012

Apple Reveal Secret behind Siri


Not since the wheel has one invention so indisputably changed the fate of humanity – a single spark which has illuminated irreversibly the human experience.  Ever since man first looked at his hand he has thought “How I wish my phone could talk to me”.

It was August the 9th 2011, a day that will live forever, when Apple released Siri and changed everything, again, for the third time.

Apple were secretive of their latest innovation until recently registering a patent revealing the techniques used by Apple.  The technology behind Siri has all the trademarks of an Apple leap forward, both simple and genius.  Each iPhone contains the soul of a Chinese worker who used to work at the Foxconn factories responsible for the manufacture of iPads and iPhones – it is this soul that does the amazing job of Siri.

The Chinese workers, often known for their
wit, manage to retain a sense of humour
and personality despite imprisonment.
The patent reveals how each worker “gives up [their] body” allowing their souls to become incorporated into the one button device.

The patent reveals the condition’s for the average worker entombed inside an iPhone;  “cramped, dark and hot” the workers also experience “small electric shocks” every time an iPhone owner contacts Siri.  Employee feedback has been positive with workers reporting an “improvement” form their previous jobs in the factory, with Foxconn also reporting employees “throwing themselves” at the project.

Overall employee health has improved since being confined behind the Apple logo.  Reports of stress and “suicidal protests” have also reduced.  Employees have been able to rest more as even the most dedicated iPhone users eventually stop playing Angry Birds and “do something else.”

The strategy is being lauded as an excellent use of “resource management” and “removal of pesky human rights issues” by business experts.

The revelation has not been welcomed by all members of the international community.  Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has highlighted concern that this is another example of “more jobs being lost overseas” and that it “should be American souls which are trapped behind that liquid glass prison”.

Apple also announced at a press conference that the release of Siri’s inner workers are just the start of some larger developments set to be implemented in the future.  Timothy D. Cook, the current CEO of Apple, has suggested that the technology may be used to bring Steve Jobs back so that he may serve as CEO for eternity, so that his infinite wisdom concerning pricing strategies and imaging may be heard for generations to come.  When asked if such comments were “too soon” about the recently deceased Mr. Jobbs, Cook replied “It is never too soon for a new Apple product”

Liam
Is a PC

Sent from Cause and Effect for iPhone