Logger Once Again Kills a Species that Could Have Saved Lives

It’s been reported that a selfish Brazilian logger recently destroyed a rare species of plant, found only in the Amazon rainforest, which could have cured generations to come from a fatal illness, had its medicinal properties been fully realised.

Estefan Ferreyra, a worker from Manaus, plying his trade in the Amazon rainforest, callously disregarded the future potential to the human race of any number of plants, animals and fungi last week by doing the job that he is paid to do – that is mercilessly chopping down trees so that his country may export them. The foolish logger seemed to have little idea as to the consequences of his actions.

Yet another animal thrown in the way
of cruel Ferreyra

“[The manager] Señor Gonzales told me to cover a particular area. I did this. I see no problem,” The bumbling buffoon stated, clearly unaware that he may have ploughed straight through the habitat of Epipedobates flavopictus, a rare Poison Dart frog.

“Please, I have a family to feed,” he continued, oblivious to the biodiversity of the planet he may be reducing.

The Amazon Rainforest, situated primarily in Brazil, is thought to be home to largest number of different species on Earth. Not only this, but it also acts as a carbon reservoir – taking in a large amount of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and thereby delaying the effects of global warming. Ferreyra appeared to believe this was unimportant.

“Why are you questioning me?” The logger queried, clearly nervous about what other atrocities could be uncovered that he may have committed. “I don’t speak English.”

The man in charge of the operation, Alfredo Gonzales, was much more co-operative. “I can only apologise if our activities have caused harm or distress to others,” he said, smoking an ivory pipe while sitting on a leopard skin seat.

Tribes in the local area are thought to be angered by the destruction of their home as well, and believe that the spirit of Mother Nature will bring a swift punishment on those who would damage her planet, though they could not be reached for a comment.

Between 1970 and 2010, an area larger than the size of Texas was believed to have been lost by deforestation. Opponents suggest losing Texas instead.

Ryan

Scientists Discover Meaning of Life, Disappointed by Results

What the meaning of life could be is a question that has plagued scientists, theologists and philosophers alike for centuries. A group of researchers, led by Dr. Kyle Watson, at the University of Oxford may have won the race for an answer with a recent study conducted at the university.

“Yeah, look… Um, I don’t really know how to say this…” Watson started, the audience at the press release gripped with anticipation at what he could have discovered. “It’s not good news. Seriously. We’re considering not publishing it. One moment we thought there could be a higher purpose for everyone and everything on the planet, then when that seemed to fall down, at least we could fall back on the natural beauty that has arisen out of the chaos of the universe.”

Your Life

“Well, that turned out not to be true either. Beauty is a mere figment of your imagination. It appears as though somewhere between the beginning of time and the onset of sentience, the universe was grasped by darkness and… Look, the results were bad, ok?”

The crowd then urged him for further details of the study, though he refused to state the findings explicitly. “Needless to say, the world is a hell-hole of pain, cruelty and deprivation, with plenty of death and despair thrown in for good measure.”

“And that’s just Liverpool,” he added.

Asked by a rapidly deteriorating audience if they could have made a mistake, Watson continued: “We’re 99% sure that the best time of your life was before you existed. Sorry. You entered life in a fit of misery, gasping for air, and you’ll leave it in the same way. The filler in the middle is simply crawling across a warzone, trying to find your grave.”

When asked about any follow-up research, he simply stated: “What’s the point? I barely think I’ll last the rest of the week, knowing what I know. I’ll be honest – the only thing keeping me calm at the moment is horse-sized doses of laudanum and lithium cocktails.”

On a related note, the moods of Goths, emos and angsty teenagers around the country appears to have improved, though this is unconfirmed.

Ryan

Japanese Scientists Continue to Revolutionise Whaling Research

Whales are the graceful giants of the seas, they plunge depths unknown to both sunlight and human inquiry.  They are the result of natural selection sculpting and streamlining a land-dwelling mammal, and can reach gargantuan sizes thanks to the support of their oceanic domain.  It is surprising that the awe generated upon seeing one of these magnificent creatures has not inspired generation upon generation of whale watchers.  This, however, is all set to change with the first, of a planned twelve, monthly articles published by the Institute of Cetacean Research (ICR).

The ICR is a Japan based organisation; it took over from the Whale Research Institute (WRI), which was founded in 1947.  The WRI conducted research on whales that were caught as a result of commercial whaling.  This showcased two loves of the whaling community, the desire to help people understand the complex populations dynamics involved when a species is driven to extinction and fine whale meat cooking.  

Ready for analysis

Disaster struck for the WRI when, in 1986, the International Whaling Commission deemed their scientific endeavour to be illegal and a subsequent ban was placed upon Japan.  However, the human spirit is not easily overcome by red-tape and bureaucracy and the ICR rose from the blubbery ashes of the WRI.  The ICR is remarkably self-sufficient: each analysed whale is sold onto private investors.  These investors come from industries as diverse as supermarkets, food packaging and restaurants.

The first paper published details methods in which the whales are collected.  One such technique allows for more accurate sampling of whales.  The device known as the Special Pod Engager And Retriever (SPEAR) is able to “tag” a single whale with a red and silver identification marker allowing for accompanying scientists to help with the sampling.  Multiple SPEARs can be used on a single specimen, with each aiding in its analysis.

Members of the British scientific community have released criticisms over the originality of the research.  Victoria Rising, an ecologist, has stated “this research into population decline of endogenous species is just a re-hashing of what Britain did with wolves centuries ago... our theories were further confirmed with the American study involving Bison.”

Members of the pro-ICR camp suggest that this criticism is “cultural imperialism” masquerading as scientific concern. A reply has accordingly been issued from the ICR, who ask “Who are Britain, or the West, to decide what “good” scientific inquiry is? Besides, Britain had their chance with wolves but they squandered it.  They wiped them out before good scientific practise had been established.”  

Despite the harsh storm of adversaries and criticism, the ICR continues on their noble journey of life-affirming scientific discovery. Although their scientific strides are great and many, there is a sense of humility about the organisation.  The first article begins with a simple declaration:

“If I have seen further it is only because I stand on the corpses of giants.”

Liam

You have 1 Friend Request(s)

The ghost in the machine has invaded the social network.  Two research groups revealed this week they have developed programmes that imitate humans which use computers to communicate with other humans.

The first research group is from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University.  A somewhat eccentric team described as “a team of four...[who] when solving a problem lock themselves in a Room and communicate by sliding Chinese characters under the door” by Jim Searle a Microsoft executive.  They have created a computer programme which imitates a Twitter account. 

The first programme scanned Twitter posts and identified which type of posts occurred most often and emulated them.  Such template posts included “I’m not really sure what to put here” and “I hate you and I hope you fucking die.” Imitation of these posts only generated small followings, “we succeeded in generating tweets... [that were] uninteresting and self important but were useless in attracting followers.”  Reports Li Jifeng (research leader)

The second programme F.R.I (Frequent Re-post Initiative) “re-tweets” particularly popular posts.  Popularity was measured by how many times a message is re-tweeted by other people.  This method has gained 10,000 followers.  Jifeng concluded “people don’t seem to want people; they want people using computers to repeat what other people have put on computers.” 

A second group, based at M.I.T, designed a programme which creates a random Facebook profile, including Name, Age, Hobbies, pretentious quotes and other interesting facts found on a profile.  A school is picked at random and friend requests are sent to Homo sapiens who attended this school. 101010% of humans accepted the request.

The robot also joined groups so that the profile could express its “uniqueness”. Groups such as “That awkward moment when you go against the first Law of Robotics” and “I passed the Turing Test, LOL JK I’m a machine” were joined. The liking of pages such as “I H8 being woken up by my mum when I’m dreaming of electric sheep” was also undertaken.

The M.I.T group is optimistic about the results and indicated a future project “we have some preliminary code for a programme that collects information from various news sources, condenses it to a single document and publishes it online.” 

Fleshy meat bag Liam

Doctors Debate Telling Patients That They Are Complete Morons

In a controversial move in the medical world, experts are considering telling patients, who up until now thought that they were healthy citizens, that they are in fact complete dumbasses who should just save time and mace themselves every time they open their mouths.

For centuries it has been tradition to simply smile and nod at a patient’s ridiculous questions, giving them their medication and sending them on their way, with the belief that they have something in their noggin which resembles intelligence. This move is set to change all of that.

Currently, unnecessary procedures are a
doctor's only source of revenge

“Sometimes it’s a toss up on whether or not I tell a patient that they’re infected with a life-threatening disease, if their inane rambling is really getting to me,” says Jerry Hatcher, a GP in Cardiff.

“I think evolution would thank me,” he added.

The gape-jawed half wits that are frequently seen in your local surgery or A&E have apparently “taken the biscuit” this time, by demonstrating zero understanding of something which anyone who wasn’t a complete lout, dimwit, or altogether empty-headed ignoramus would just assume was common knowledge.

“I had one girl in here earlier that had no comprehension of STIs,” Hatcher continued, pulling his hair out in frustration over the mind-numbing fucktards he has to deal with on a daily basis. “She said she used a condom when she let her partners, which as far as I could tell included every 17-24 year-old within a 4 mile radius, go ‘in the back door’, which she claimed she hadn’t done for a while anyway, so she didn’t see how she could be pregnant.”

“Jesus Christ. I considered giving her a coat hanger and just telling her to go nuts to be perfectly honest.”

“Most doctors agree that the time has come to tell these people to get some semblance of an education. It would help them far more than any drug I could give them, even if it only includes reading a book or watching something other than Jersey Shore or The Only Way Is Essex on TV.”

The nation’s imbeciles have responded by saying that rather than these “pointless changes to the health system”, they would rather that it was just made “more awesome”, such as by handing out prescriptions “with explosions.”

Meanwhile, the country’s nurses are yet to comment on the situation and appear to be carrying on as they have done for years, placing air bubbles into annoying patients’ IV drips.

Ryan

Medical Scientist Finally Discovers Empirical Location for G-spot

The G-spot: a female erogenous zone often cloaked in mystery.  Previous reports have concluded that the fabled spot is not a fixed structure, merely the result of opinion and cultural influence.  This is set to change with the recent findings of Dale Urton from the Saint George’s University in London.

Using revolutionary techniques, Urton, whilst working alone, was able to provide a definite location for the G-spot within the female physique.  Urton has since issued a statement.

“Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I turned up, and a couple of minutes later I was like ‘BAM G-spot!’.” A follow up has been released on the Universities website “Sorted, G-spot found. Smashed it.  Standard.  Pub. Get the banter ready, boys.”  The discovery was received with great jubilation as fellow male colleagues were seen hi-fiving him and remarking “that’s how it’s done.”  His methods, however, have drawn criticism from other members of the scientific community.

Lucas Carr, a chemist, has questioned the originality of the research.  “All I’m saying is, I’ve known about it for years.  You know me, I know my way around.” At this point he invited me to hi-five him.  I declined. 

Mrs Jennifer Urton, a psychologist told us “theory is all well and good, but in pursuits such as this it’s the application that is important.  And in regards to Mr Urton I see no evidence of application.”

Mathematicians have also joined in the hunt for the G-spot, but have thus far been unsuccessful.

Sarah Skene, a Surgeon at Queen Mary’s, has raised concerns over the usefulness of the research and worries that funds are being spent in the wrong areas, “why do we even need a man to tell us this?  All you had to do was ask, but you never ask.” 

Despite these concerns, a follow up study is to be conducted on the grounds of ‘Playa’s gotta play’.

Liam

Spotify Demands Sacrifices to Appease Music Gods

Spotify, the free music streaming programme, has announced plans that, if users wish to continue using their services, current listeners will be required to make sacrifices to the music divinities.

“The service has become incredibly popular. People are listening to more music,” says Daniel Ek, co-founder of the Anglo-Swedish company. “Unfortunately, the powers above don’t like anyone becoming too powerful.”

“Just look at what happened to Kurt Cobain,” he continued, while nervously glancing upwards.

This is the reason, Ek explains, for forcing customers to take part in the ritual killing of a fellow creature, be it a goat, lamb or first born child. The latter will give premium users 6 months of free subscription.

“We are constantly trying to get people to pay but we prefer using carrots rather than sticks," Ek reasons. “At the end of the day, we’ve got our harvests to think of.”

However, the idea has been poorly received by users of the service, though many agreed that Spotify had always appeared “too good to be true” and that they “wouldn’t want to anger the spirits of the deceased”.

One user, Mark Walker from Newcastle, has stated that he is disappointed with the new terms and conditions, explaining that he “left piracy to get away from all the killing,” though he was looking forward to the “thrill of breaking the law,” as well as the “pillage, plunder and rape that goes with the territory.”

Another user, known only as Vilkyrk the heretic slayer, has backed the move, declaring that it would give him "an opportunity to use his Sacred Sword of Dragonfire again.”

Meanwhile, many music labels have backed the move, including the likes of Universal, Warner Music and Sony, who were tired of sacrificing promising young singers to Simon Cowell.

Ryan