Scientists Called In to Help Hunt for Gaddafi

After six months of fighting, the rebel forces finally invaded the Libyan capital of Tripoli. However, there is still unrest in the capital with reports of gunfights on the streets, though many feel  that the pro-Gaddafi forces will lose morale if Gaddafi himself is captured.  Intelligence services remain adamant that he has not left the country, leaving just 679,362 square miles to search.  The British government has turned to the scientific community for help.

Dr George Marsh, an ecologist from the University of Kent, was the first to accept the call.  His plan is known, officially, as “Quantative Understanding And Description of Rarely Apprehended Tyrants” (QUADRAT).  The QUADRAT system works by sampling a small area and then scaling these observations up for the entire country.

Gaddafi's days are numbered

Dr Marsh was granted a substantial amount of funds and has reported that the situation in Libya “sure as hell beats having to write a grant proposal” and he “could do with a few more uprisings...especially in today’s economy”.  Dr Marsh has insisted that the money is not being wasted, stating “we’ve...purchased the first 100 same-sided rectangular sampling structures”.  The sampling structures are deployed by Chinook Helicopters.

QUADRAT was formally tested four days ago, as the rebels were unable to locate Gaddafi.  Dr Marsh performed the first test himself; his Chinook scanned over Libya whilst he dispensed the structures out of the back.  Rebel forces have reported “a white man, dressed in a tweed jacket” who was “standing out the back of a helicopter casually throwing squares over his shoulder.”

Evidence of Gaddafi was not found in the first test.  Marsh identified the problem: “[although] I appeared to be throwing [the samplers] in a completely irrational manner...it was in fact too controlled to avoid bias”.  Marsh will now divide Libya into a large Cartesian co-ordinate grid and generate co-ordinates by completely random radioactive decay.  The sampling structures are then placed at 100 co-ordinates.  MI6 has lauded the plan as one of “simplicity.”

The newly revised system is set to go into action tomorrow morning; one can only imagine the level of hope and anticipation that the Rebel forces will experience when the great minds of the west unveil their master stroke.

Another method, involving the use of transects, has also been implemented by Marsh’s team. This will estimate the amount of torture per unit area, with Marsh hypothesising that this will increase the closer to the Colonel the group gets.

Critics of the plan have questioned the idea of using the Capture-Mark-Recapture method once Gaddafi is found in an attempt to further quantify the population of dictators in Libya.

STOP PRESSES: At the time of printing, we received word that Dr Marsh has been successful.  Of the 100 sampling structures one contained “40% Tyrant (+/- 1%)”, meaning every 1m² of Libya (the size of the sampling squares) is 0.4% evil dictator.

Liam

Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers

Dr Rose Cypris is a psychologist from the University of Rome who, until a month ago, was virtually unknown in the world of Science.  That all changed with the publishing of her paper “Social Interactions Most Successful among Scientists” (Nature, Volume 476).  The paper details the results of an extensive study which documented the carnal relations of thousands of professionals.  The empirical and unbiased data clearly shows that those who partner with scientists report the highest feelings of satisfaction.

The results suggest that prowess is not restricted to a particular field of science and is independent of gender and sexual preference.  Cypris concludes “there is just something about engaging in scientific pursuits that allows for new vistas of sensation to be reached.”  I was able to get an interview with Mrs Cypris.

I arrived at her summer home in Livorno, Tuscany, a modest villa overlooking the playful blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea.  She greets me in a figure hugging black dress with lace sleeves, a lit cigarette held delicately in her left hand.  She offers me a drink, I decline and our dialogue begins.

Mrs Cypris, ready to begin?
Of course, no need to rush. My husband won’t be home for some time. [She pauses to put on some music]

What does it feel like to be the most cited paper of 2011?*
Truly amazing.  It’s just good to know that my humble paper is being so well received.

Modest and intelligent?  Were you surprised at the wide range of papers which cited you?
Well of course, who wouldn’t be?  Scientists from Astronomy, Theoretical physics, Biochemistry, Ecology, Chemistry and of course my own field of Psychology all feel that my conclusions are relevant to their own work.  There’s even some talk from Nature that I’m going to make the front cover of volume 477.

Published twice, in the same journal? Impressive.
Yes.  They said the result was of such importance they couldn’t afford people missing it.

Were you nervous at all during the lengthy peer review process?
When I first sent it off it was just the normal waiting period you get with any article, however I received numerous emails telling me that more and more academics wished to review my article.  I thought at first it was because they couldn’t agree on the validity of the results.  That turned out not to be the case.

[Of the 800 scientist who reviewed the paper all found the work of the “highest order” and the methodology “flawless”]

What would you say to the recent paper published in the British Arts Journal, claiming that it is in fact British Artists are the best lovers?  Even Richard Dawkins has come out and said that there may be a grain of truth to it, citing the well documented prowess of British citizens.
Oh come on, they didn’t even use the scientific method.  What do artists know about things of a sensual nature?

Any advice for any young scientists who may be reading?
Like yourself? [She laughs].  Don’t do science to see if you are already right, but to become right.  The only way to come to any conclusion is through experimentation.  

Experimentation you say? 
Yes, is there a conclusion you’d like to come to?

We have four and a half minutes, should be ample time.

End of Transcript

Liam
The Love Doctor
*Most cited paper, at time of writing

Anger at Lack of Higgs Boson Particle Sparks Riots in England

The discontent at the lack of knowledge about the Higgs Boson particle has finally reached breaking point this week, igniting riots across England.

The so-called “God” particle, originally predicted in 1964, is thought to be responsible for providing the mass of all other particles, but as yet, the amount of direct evidence for the elusive species is minimal. It is currently being researched in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) by smashing protons together.

Recently, some data has hinted at the Higgs Boson particle, but those across the channel are not satisfied.

“So a few blips come up on there data which just happens to be in the same region as the gigaelectronvolt (GeV) value we were expecting for HB, and we’re supposed to jump for joy? I think not,” stated one disgruntled rioter, while whaling on a bystander.

“I could shit more interesting bumps in di-photon invariant mass spectra,” he continued, as he looted a large packet of basmati rice from a supermarket.

The riots appear to be highly co-ordinated, and themed around the LHC. The first signs of a disturbance took place within a 27 kilometre ring, the same size as the collider in Switzerland. Furthermore, rioters have been noted as comparing the subsequent gun fights with proton-proton collisions, though of course noting that bullets don’t travel anywhere near the speed of light. Those involved in the melee have also been heard shouting “take your unification of weak nuclear force and electromagnetic force and shove it”, while throwing petrol bombs into buildings containing unsuspecting arts majors.

Similarly, Father Benjamin Cooper was found this morning, heavily beaten and with several broken bones. He was one of many priests found this way, thought to be due to them providing Mass on Sundays.

In response to the riots, Mayor of London Boris Johnson has vowed that a “full investigation will be launched”, and that, if necessary, he will “find this blasted particle” himself.

On a related note, proponents of evolution have been rallying to have a nice get together to discuss the plethora of evidence for the theory of natural selection.

Ryan

Japan Plant “Unready” For Godzilla Attack

Japan’s crippled Fukushima nuclear plant is not fully prepared for the impending death and destruction of the Godzilla attack likely to be hitting them soon, officials admit.

Tokyo Electric Power (Tepco), which runs the plant, have stated that some of the reactors are uncovered, leading some to fear that the alluring smell of uranium may attract the giant mutant lizard, who is believed to be a fan of radiation.

Godzilla is expected to hit the plant as early as next Tuesday, with some sightings already being reported of the monster emerging from his watery residence in the Pacific Ocean.

Fukushima was heavily damaged by the deadly 11 March quake and tsunami.

Have you seen this reptile?

“We have made utmost efforts, but we have not completed the rebuilding of the plant at this moment in time,” stated a Tepco official. “Currently, our weapons systems would only be able to restrain Gojira for a small amount of time, after which we would be helpless before the rampaging might of the 200 foot reptile.”

“We are particularly vulnerable to fire breath,” continued the visibly distressed plant worker.

Evacuation plans have already been put into action, with those living within a 80km radius being advised to watch for tell-tale ripples in their cups of water signalling the approaching behemoth. Within a 30km radius, residents have been told to be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary, such as overly large footprints, scorched forests and anything with teeth bigger than its face. Those living closer are recommended to have bags packed and alternative living arrangements organised, as well as any automatic assault rifles or 200 foot Mechagodzillas on hand in case of an emergency.

Any unfortunate people living on the expected route that Godzilla will take from Tokyo (Godzilla’s usual haunt) to the plant have been advised to disperse as well, lest they want to be “part of the rubble left in the towering giant’s wake.”

Critics have questioned why it was necessary for the plant officials to build a large neon sign near the plant, with bright lights thought to be a key factor to Godzilla’s usual aggressiveness in Tokyo.

Meanwhile, plant workers have started constructing a giant lantern, in the hopes of attracting Mothra so that it might act as a last-ditch defence mechanism.

Ryan

Possible Alien Message Prompts Division among Earthlings.

First contact.  Yesterday at 3.00AM, the Arecibo Observatory (run by the SETI organisation) in Puerto Rico received the first ever conscious electromagnetic transmission from a non-human source.

Ron Neary was in charge of the satellite at the time.  “I [was] sat at the computer watching it scan the same incredibly narrow stretch of the electromagnetic spectrum (SETI radio antenna receive signals in the microwaves range of the electromagnetic spectrum) and suddenly it came through.”  Ron has published a picture online of the signal he saw, a white piece of paper with the characters “6EQUJ5” circled and the annotation “My God! It’s full of signals.”

Ron continued “I was just so pleased that I would be the one to break the news to humanity – all those years, man hours and money and we got this!” At this point, Ron showed the piece of paper again, waving it frantically. “See, see, don’t you see it was worth it?”

The reaction from humanity has been less than enthusiastic.  The SETI organisation has encountered resistance, such as in the form of Kristopher Coulomb, a Russian Computer Scientist. He believes that this is something we should fear, and not just because it removes the notion that humanity is special. He also warns that making further contact with a “technologically superior race” would be similar to “the effect Europeans had on the Native American population.”

The “Blue and Noble Planet” (BaNP) is a worldwide organisation with worries about Alien visitors.  Nicole Frinfig, a spokesperson, is worried that visitors to our “already full planet” will be detrimental to those “already here, and can trace their humanity back hundreds of generations.”  They have released a leaflet titled “Earth jobs for Earthlings”.  Black, White, The Other Colours, Rich, Poor, Stupid and Ignorant all united by a common hatred.

The third kind of resistance encountered is composed of elderly scientists who have formed the Bohr Society (named for the famous physicist).  Head of the Society, Eugene Murray, sent a letter to science journal Nature. It starts "When I were a lad we had only Carbon based life forms to study using nout but a magnifying glass, not these newfangled fancy aliens.”  He goes on to say "The year was 1947; I was posted to New Mexico...those were the days of aliens. You could buy a newspaper and visit the crash and still get change from a nickel... and we were happy.”

Not all of the responses have been negative; some have proclaimed that these beings from the heavens may indeed save us from ourselves if we do truly ruin this planet.  However, SETI have released a statement: “Although it may be a long time before we encounter aliens it is clear to see that we [SETI] have proved our usefulness”.

Liam
Welcomes our new alien overlords.

Logger Once Again Kills a Species that Could Have Saved Lives

It’s been reported that a selfish Brazilian logger recently destroyed a rare species of plant, found only in the Amazon rainforest, which could have cured generations to come from a fatal illness, had its medicinal properties been fully realised.

Estefan Ferreyra, a worker from Manaus, plying his trade in the Amazon rainforest, callously disregarded the future potential to the human race of any number of plants, animals and fungi last week by doing the job that he is paid to do – that is mercilessly chopping down trees so that his country may export them. The foolish logger seemed to have little idea as to the consequences of his actions.

Yet another animal thrown in the way
of cruel Ferreyra

“[The manager] Señor Gonzales told me to cover a particular area. I did this. I see no problem,” The bumbling buffoon stated, clearly unaware that he may have ploughed straight through the habitat of Epipedobates flavopictus, a rare Poison Dart frog.

“Please, I have a family to feed,” he continued, oblivious to the biodiversity of the planet he may be reducing.

The Amazon Rainforest, situated primarily in Brazil, is thought to be home to largest number of different species on Earth. Not only this, but it also acts as a carbon reservoir – taking in a large amount of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and thereby delaying the effects of global warming. Ferreyra appeared to believe this was unimportant.

“Why are you questioning me?” The logger queried, clearly nervous about what other atrocities could be uncovered that he may have committed. “I don’t speak English.”

The man in charge of the operation, Alfredo Gonzales, was much more co-operative. “I can only apologise if our activities have caused harm or distress to others,” he said, smoking an ivory pipe while sitting on a leopard skin seat.

Tribes in the local area are thought to be angered by the destruction of their home as well, and believe that the spirit of Mother Nature will bring a swift punishment on those who would damage her planet, though they could not be reached for a comment.

Between 1970 and 2010, an area larger than the size of Texas was believed to have been lost by deforestation. Opponents suggest losing Texas instead.

Ryan

Scientists Discover Meaning of Life, Disappointed by Results

What the meaning of life could be is a question that has plagued scientists, theologists and philosophers alike for centuries. A group of researchers, led by Dr. Kyle Watson, at the University of Oxford may have won the race for an answer with a recent study conducted at the university.

“Yeah, look… Um, I don’t really know how to say this…” Watson started, the audience at the press release gripped with anticipation at what he could have discovered. “It’s not good news. Seriously. We’re considering not publishing it. One moment we thought there could be a higher purpose for everyone and everything on the planet, then when that seemed to fall down, at least we could fall back on the natural beauty that has arisen out of the chaos of the universe.”

Your Life

“Well, that turned out not to be true either. Beauty is a mere figment of your imagination. It appears as though somewhere between the beginning of time and the onset of sentience, the universe was grasped by darkness and… Look, the results were bad, ok?”

The crowd then urged him for further details of the study, though he refused to state the findings explicitly. “Needless to say, the world is a hell-hole of pain, cruelty and deprivation, with plenty of death and despair thrown in for good measure.”

“And that’s just Liverpool,” he added.

Asked by a rapidly deteriorating audience if they could have made a mistake, Watson continued: “We’re 99% sure that the best time of your life was before you existed. Sorry. You entered life in a fit of misery, gasping for air, and you’ll leave it in the same way. The filler in the middle is simply crawling across a warzone, trying to find your grave.”

When asked about any follow-up research, he simply stated: “What’s the point? I barely think I’ll last the rest of the week, knowing what I know. I’ll be honest – the only thing keeping me calm at the moment is horse-sized doses of laudanum and lithium cocktails.”

On a related note, the moods of Goths, emos and angsty teenagers around the country appears to have improved, though this is unconfirmed.

Ryan