Someone’s Behind You

The contents of this article may be too scary for some readers. Parental guidance is advised. In fact, no one should read this. You will literally be scared to death. What’s that you say? You like to be scared? You like being unable to sleep at night, afraid that if for just one second you close your eyes, you could be killed, possessed or worse? Well then, faithful Cause and Effect viewer, brace yourself for pure terror and read on…

Reports coming in this Halloween weekend are suggesting that someone is actually standing right behind you, though confirmation is still required on whether it is a person or a spiritual being from the very depths of Hell itself. You just looked and there was no one there? Oh, I must just be hallucinating that unexplained shadow coming over your shoulder then and you must be imagining how cold it suddenly feels.

Your house just turned black and white.
How did you not notice?

Scientists are trying to provide an explanation for the fact that the door downstairs just creaked despite no one else being home but you, but have thus far only come up with a weak “probably the wind” theory. This hypothesis doesn’t explain the sound of shackles, the consistent lightening on a clear night sky, or the constant dialling tone you hear when the phone rings though. Or the dread. Nothing explains the dread. They state that it is far more likely that you angered the spirits of the deceased when you taunted that Gypsy the other night, burnt that Ouija Board and played that nasty game of tarot card solitaire…

Despite repeated sightings of small children in the mirror, yet none being there when you turn around, you apparently still refuse to believe anything paranormal is occurring here. Maybe you’re sitting there right now in your unbelieving state, when you get a sudden shudder down your spine. Your hands suddenly go cold. Your breathing gets faster and faster and faster, and a single bead of sweat slowly drips down your panicked fa-RIGHT THERE! Did you see it? No? Must be my imagination.

Ok, I’ll stop now. This level of terror can rarely be handled by someone, so I shall ceas-PSYCHE! This horrifying ordeal is only about to get worse!  

[Sound of maniacal laughter]

I'm not saying that these guys are behind you but...
They're behind you.

You’ll be lying in bed tonight, and those two red eyes will appear on the other side of your room again. You’ll hide under the covers, close your eyes, pull the pillow over your head, praying that you’ll make it to morning, because you know that if it knows that you know it’s there… You just breathed your last breath. And yet you sneak a peak anyway. Perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps because your rational and logical side simply will not believe that anything could possibly have slithered its way into your humble abode without your keen senses picking it up. Whatever the reason, you look, and the unexplained form still lingers, staring, always staring. You’ll turn on your lamp. Nothing there? Then it’ll already be too late.

Yes, that was a wolf howl just then. Sounded pretty far away though. You should probably be more worried about the bat lurking on your ceiling.

By

The Guy Standing Behind You

Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers

This past week traditional mothers’ sayings are turning out to be true and influencing real life. The discovery was initially made by 8 year old Jason Cracknell, who, despite repeated warnings by his mother, realised that he had square eyes after “sitting in front of that damn screen” for 6 hours straight.

“Mum always told me that I’d get square eyes…How was I supposed to know that it could actually happen?!” Little Jason exclaimed. “Look at me! I’m a freak,” the circus reject with quadrilateral retinas added.

Once Cracknell noticed that his eyes had ceased being their usual oval shape, he reportedly spent several hours watching a circular pot in an attempt to return his visual sensory organs to their former circular glory. While the results of this attempt are unclear at this time, we do know that the water in the pot never boiled.

Caught in Hurricane Irene?

Clearly then, this phenomenon is not restricted to one incident. Children all over the world were caught short when the wind changed, leaving their faces disfigured, abnormal, and downright ugly. Some controversial reports are coming in suggesting that this particular aspect has actually been going on for many years, citing Steven Tyler as evidence. However, when reached for a comment, Tyler stated his face had “always been like that.”

Other critics have questioned the validity of the observations, pointing out that a “significant percent” of them were made in Leeds, Cornwall and Norfolk.

In the USA, police are reporting an increase in shootings being heard across the country. When investigated further, small passerines were being killed to prevent any more secrets being told. Shooters were apparently mostly hormone deficient youths, attempting to “put hairs on their chests”.

Elsewhere, entomologists are reportedly abandoning traditional vinegar fly traps and switching to more contemporary honey variants.

Ryan

Cause and Effect TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part I

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect readers. This week, something a little bit different. In recent times, our writers have noticed that a new medium of entertainment, known at this time only as “television”, has swept through the nation, providing people with information about current affairs, entertainment news and Brian Cox's continued plans of universal domination, as well as hard hitting dramas and comical cartoons to name but a few.

Not one to lag behind current trends then, the following is a list of shows that have been put forward for a new channel. This will be an expansion of CERN, our Cause and Effect Radio Network, and will be known as the Cause and Effect Television Innovation, CETI. Let us know what you think.

0700-0800	Pokemon: Gotta Cache ‘em All An in depth look at the unique caching behaviour of Murkrow, who stores Seedot in the ground and in trees for harvest during the winter, when arthropod prey, such as Caterpie, may be scarce.
0800-1000	One crazy family Everybody Loves Pseudomonas It never stops for successful proteobacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa, whose oddball family life as a nosocomial infection consists of a fed up MRSA bacterium, several thousand clones doubling every few hours, and a jealous Clostridium difficile on a neighbouring catheter.
1000-1100	Who Do You Think You Are Well known faces within the Prokaryotic kingdom each embark on individual journeys to answer some questions in regards to their own evolution.
1200-1500	WWF: Roar 4 endangered species, one ring. Natural selection at its finest.
1500-1700	Dragons Den Survival Series: Budding entrepreneurs have 3 minutes to impress the Komodo Dragons before getting slowly devoured.
1700-1900	Jersey Longshore Drift A journey to the crown dependency of Jersey, in which our team look at erosion and The Situation facing the island's beaches.
1900-2100	Kittens got Talent This week the auditions take place in Cramar Cat Rescue & Sanctuary where 200 hopefuls try to impress future owners by drinking milk, playing with balls of string and looking adorable.
2100-2300	Live at the Apollo 13 Comedy – Listening to the recovered Black Box from the ill-fated mission. Adult humour.

Check back soon for more CETI shows.

Conservationist Unveils New Plan to Boost Funds and Interest in Conservation

Conservation is a thankless task.  Those you save are unable to communicate their gratitude, you fight the giants of industry and ignorance and you are completely reliant on donations.  In these times of economic uncertainty it is movements like conservationism that are hit the hardest.

Arthur Turnure, a magazine editor, sets to change this by using his knowledge of the glamour magazine industry to increase the money flowing into conservation.  He was elected Artistic Director of the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) one year ago.  His first plan, “Kiss or Cull” was immediately implemented at the Kaziranga Tiger reserve in India.  The plan involves removing the “least adorable, least cool and least majestic animals” in a population and selectively breeding the most aesthetically pleasing.

When asked for his reasons for implementing this plan, he replied “I’m doing it for future generations of Conservationists...it’ll be easier getting funding for cuter animals.”

Set to Outlive the Dinosaurs

His blog contains a video explaining his inspiration, the simple house cat. “Cats have never been endangered, why?” the video asks, “Because they are adorable. Unlike the engendered Trilobite Beetle which seems to embody death itself.”  He also defends his strategy of killing the least “majestic” tigers. Stating; “What do people want to save? The noble Tiger or the child killing bastard that is the [United Kingdom’s] Cuckoo?  More majesty, more money.”

Turnure has revamped the WWF campaign posters stating “photo-shop and airbrushing works for humans, why not for the rare Black-and-white ruffed Lemur too?”  In the six months since the posters have been released People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have reported a 63% increase in Lemur anorexia and bulimia. PETA also fear that “other animals will try to copy the unnatural images shown in the media”.

 The WWF have given a press release which states “[eating disorders] are infinitely preferable to being shot through the head because people think your paws are magic” and that “birds have been regurgitating food for their offspring for millions of years, and they seem fine.”

Economist Dr Fan Li, China, also highlighted the financial sense behind such a plan, focusing on the amount of money one can charge to “adopt” a single animal in the wild. “As animal numbers decrease the amount you can charge per animal rises exponentially. In this instance less is, in fact, more, much more.”

One of the strongest supporters of the plan is noted conservationist Leonardo DiCaprio who has tweeted “I think this is a genius move, I mean no-one would listen to me about conservation if I looked like Al Gore.”

Liam
All the animals featured in this article are currently endangered. Your move humanity.

Scientists Called In to Help Hunt for Gaddafi

After six months of fighting, the rebel forces finally invaded the Libyan capital of Tripoli. However, there is still unrest in the capital with reports of gunfights on the streets, though many feel  that the pro-Gaddafi forces will lose morale if Gaddafi himself is captured.  Intelligence services remain adamant that he has not left the country, leaving just 679,362 square miles to search.  The British government has turned to the scientific community for help.

Dr George Marsh, an ecologist from the University of Kent, was the first to accept the call.  His plan is known, officially, as “Quantative Understanding And Description of Rarely Apprehended Tyrants” (QUADRAT).  The QUADRAT system works by sampling a small area and then scaling these observations up for the entire country.

Gaddafi's days are numbered

Dr Marsh was granted a substantial amount of funds and has reported that the situation in Libya “sure as hell beats having to write a grant proposal” and he “could do with a few more uprisings...especially in today’s economy”.  Dr Marsh has insisted that the money is not being wasted, stating “we’ve...purchased the first 100 same-sided rectangular sampling structures”.  The sampling structures are deployed by Chinook Helicopters.

QUADRAT was formally tested four days ago, as the rebels were unable to locate Gaddafi.  Dr Marsh performed the first test himself; his Chinook scanned over Libya whilst he dispensed the structures out of the back.  Rebel forces have reported “a white man, dressed in a tweed jacket” who was “standing out the back of a helicopter casually throwing squares over his shoulder.”

Evidence of Gaddafi was not found in the first test.  Marsh identified the problem: “[although] I appeared to be throwing [the samplers] in a completely irrational manner...it was in fact too controlled to avoid bias”.  Marsh will now divide Libya into a large Cartesian co-ordinate grid and generate co-ordinates by completely random radioactive decay.  The sampling structures are then placed at 100 co-ordinates.  MI6 has lauded the plan as one of “simplicity.”

The newly revised system is set to go into action tomorrow morning; one can only imagine the level of hope and anticipation that the Rebel forces will experience when the great minds of the west unveil their master stroke.

Another method, involving the use of transects, has also been implemented by Marsh’s team. This will estimate the amount of torture per unit area, with Marsh hypothesising that this will increase the closer to the Colonel the group gets.

Critics of the plan have questioned the idea of using the Capture-Mark-Recapture method once Gaddafi is found in an attempt to further quantify the population of dictators in Libya.

STOP PRESSES: At the time of printing, we received word that Dr Marsh has been successful.  Of the 100 sampling structures one contained “40% Tyrant (+/- 1%)”, meaning every 1m² of Libya (the size of the sampling squares) is 0.4% evil dictator.

Liam

Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers

Dr Rose Cypris is a psychologist from the University of Rome who, until a month ago, was virtually unknown in the world of Science.  That all changed with the publishing of her paper “Social Interactions Most Successful among Scientists” (Nature, Volume 476).  The paper details the results of an extensive study which documented the carnal relations of thousands of professionals.  The empirical and unbiased data clearly shows that those who partner with scientists report the highest feelings of satisfaction.

The results suggest that prowess is not restricted to a particular field of science and is independent of gender and sexual preference.  Cypris concludes “there is just something about engaging in scientific pursuits that allows for new vistas of sensation to be reached.”  I was able to get an interview with Mrs Cypris.

I arrived at her summer home in Livorno, Tuscany, a modest villa overlooking the playful blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea.  She greets me in a figure hugging black dress with lace sleeves, a lit cigarette held delicately in her left hand.  She offers me a drink, I decline and our dialogue begins.

Mrs Cypris, ready to begin?
Of course, no need to rush. My husband won’t be home for some time. [She pauses to put on some music]

What does it feel like to be the most cited paper of 2011?*
Truly amazing.  It’s just good to know that my humble paper is being so well received.

Modest and intelligent?  Were you surprised at the wide range of papers which cited you?
Well of course, who wouldn’t be?  Scientists from Astronomy, Theoretical physics, Biochemistry, Ecology, Chemistry and of course my own field of Psychology all feel that my conclusions are relevant to their own work.  There’s even some talk from Nature that I’m going to make the front cover of volume 477.

Published twice, in the same journal? Impressive.
Yes.  They said the result was of such importance they couldn’t afford people missing it.

Were you nervous at all during the lengthy peer review process?
When I first sent it off it was just the normal waiting period you get with any article, however I received numerous emails telling me that more and more academics wished to review my article.  I thought at first it was because they couldn’t agree on the validity of the results.  That turned out not to be the case.

[Of the 800 scientist who reviewed the paper all found the work of the “highest order” and the methodology “flawless”]

What would you say to the recent paper published in the British Arts Journal, claiming that it is in fact British Artists are the best lovers?  Even Richard Dawkins has come out and said that there may be a grain of truth to it, citing the well documented prowess of British citizens.
Oh come on, they didn’t even use the scientific method.  What do artists know about things of a sensual nature?

Any advice for any young scientists who may be reading?
Like yourself? [She laughs].  Don’t do science to see if you are already right, but to become right.  The only way to come to any conclusion is through experimentation.  

Experimentation you say? 
Yes, is there a conclusion you’d like to come to?

We have four and a half minutes, should be ample time.

End of Transcript

Liam
The Love Doctor
*Most cited paper, at time of writing

Anger at Lack of Higgs Boson Particle Sparks Riots in England

The discontent at the lack of knowledge about the Higgs Boson particle has finally reached breaking point this week, igniting riots across England.

The so-called “God” particle, originally predicted in 1964, is thought to be responsible for providing the mass of all other particles, but as yet, the amount of direct evidence for the elusive species is minimal. It is currently being researched in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) by smashing protons together.

Recently, some data has hinted at the Higgs Boson particle, but those across the channel are not satisfied.

“So a few blips come up on there data which just happens to be in the same region as the gigaelectronvolt (GeV) value we were expecting for HB, and we’re supposed to jump for joy? I think not,” stated one disgruntled rioter, while whaling on a bystander.

“I could shit more interesting bumps in di-photon invariant mass spectra,” he continued, as he looted a large packet of basmati rice from a supermarket.

The riots appear to be highly co-ordinated, and themed around the LHC. The first signs of a disturbance took place within a 27 kilometre ring, the same size as the collider in Switzerland. Furthermore, rioters have been noted as comparing the subsequent gun fights with proton-proton collisions, though of course noting that bullets don’t travel anywhere near the speed of light. Those involved in the melee have also been heard shouting “take your unification of weak nuclear force and electromagnetic force and shove it”, while throwing petrol bombs into buildings containing unsuspecting arts majors.

Similarly, Father Benjamin Cooper was found this morning, heavily beaten and with several broken bones. He was one of many priests found this way, thought to be due to them providing Mass on Sundays.

In response to the riots, Mayor of London Boris Johnson has vowed that a “full investigation will be launched”, and that, if necessary, he will “find this blasted particle” himself.

On a related note, proponents of evolution have been rallying to have a nice get together to discuss the plethora of evidence for the theory of natural selection.

Ryan